set me aflame...for i no longer want to be entangled

running. tired, aching, every bone, muscle, tendon hurts. but i'm driven. driven to run by my heart so fiercely; physical feeling has ceased to have a voice. i have to get to You. can't breathe. oh how desperately i need you! do You hear? every inhale is sharp, slicing; as if tiny blades dwell on every oxygen molecule. i. NEED. {You}. oh God i'm desperate can you not see? i can't live without You near...can't breathe without my lungs ripping. every inhale shorter than the one before, subconsciously witholding breath because my brain automatically tries to prevent physical agony, but i'm oblivious. i know it like i know there's a sky above me--it has no significance. what difference does a sky make when you can't find who you can't live without? i can't survive without You...not because that sounds so romantic or i'm intellectually aware of it or i'm supposed to feel that way. but God. please hear me- i CANNOT live. without your presence. i can't. i can't function, can't see beauty and i can't eat and i can't sleep and i can't smile or feel or love or keep my head up, i can't bear existence.
i can't be.
without You here. near.
full out, widest stride possible. pumping my arms in pathetic rythym, hoping against hope i still have a kick left to give me a last burst of speed. ignore anything in my way. don't care if my body never recovers from this insane race. just wait, just turn around, just please don't leave me here.
i know, i know i am the one who left You...i know i put my eyes down. i was looking elsewhere, half-heartedly lazily wandering, eyes anywhere else...memory of that awful moment, of looking up and seeing nothing. just the dark shadow of the road ahead of me. realizing He's no longer next to me, no longer in front of me. the panic, the bitter remorse & empty fear of that moment propels me forward. i have nothing left to dig deeper from.
but i think, i hope, oh please let it be that You'll take me back. i know i've doubted Your promises but what if they're true? what if You don't promise with the intention of keeping but the surety of keeping? You do. i know. i believe. faithfulness...that's Your name. i don't care that i'm filthy, ragged; that You should turn me away. i don't care what i may lose. i don't care how much it hurts, i don't care what You do with me i just. have to get to You.
i'm barefoot. my feet are beyond blistered, to ripped open-and-bleeding. i've pounded them on concrete, grass, rocks. i can't feel. then. there is a rock face in front of me. sheer mountain side. impossible to go around, so high i cannot see the top. i can't climb it, but i try. i can't. i can't get myself up. what happened to Rescuer? why can't i get over this? now i'm like a maniac, totally out of my mind. running towards the rocks and slamming into them, trying to jump up to a handhold. falling. bleeding stinging sobbing. i have to, i have to get to You! You said You'd always be mine so why this wall? why won't You get me over it? or break it down or just shout or something, anything? i don't understand. all i know is i need You with an intensity greater than any i've ever known before; and i can't find You. i know i don't truly love You; but i want to, how can i if i can't get to You. why? desperate done frantic. can't stop trying, but mind over matter only lasts so long. collapse. for the first time, i see the road behind me.

no words...i...You...
i don't have to get to You. You come to me...empty of words with a heart too full.

relief. too great too overwhelming.
i have been the worst traitor. i have betrayed the most faithful Lover. i have blamed my failures on a perfect One. i have mistrusted the most faithful, i doubted the most compassionate King. who freely gave His best, knowing it would be destroyed. He gave His only beloved, gave Him to another (me) who didn't value the gift but destroyed it...yet all i know is relief...the sweetness of His acting to save, follow, rescue, seek. and the Son? the beloved? He endured separation so severe i can't begin to comprehend it. He paid a cost i can't fathom, tasted bitterness i will never, ever, know. 
He pursues.

*this is what bellarive's song tendons inspires me too. as i cannot dance it out, in my room too small & cluttered with ukraine packing & family sleeping elsewhere...i just wrote what came. but its not really so much accurate. because some things don't have words. i tried. but how grateful i am God sees my heart. its ok that words fail to accurately portray. He sees. & He doesn't despise. astounding

1 comment:

Abi said...

woman, you are a writer. I think I said that on your last post too, but I meant it! Yup, that's tendons.