wild melody

well here we go! idk that anybody reads this besides abi, who's going with me...but just in case. i am off to the mountains of western Ukraine to hang out with orphans. =) craziness...funny who God uses no? please pray for our teams, both ukrainian and american that we'd have unity, humility, servant's hearts, physical/spiritual protection, and strength. and most of all, please pray that God captures the hearts of the kids! pray that we can show them the love of God, that He will give them faith to believe in a good God despite the difficult circumstances they will still have to endure, regardless of whether they believe or not. THANK YOU sooo much! our God does the impossible! see ya in mid august.

running. tired, aching, every bone, muscle, tendon hurts. but i'm driven. driven to run by my heart so fiercely; physical feeling has ceased to have a voice.  i have to get to You. can't breathe.  oh how desperately i need you! do You hear? every inhale is sharp, slicing; as if tiny blades dwell on every oxygen molecule. i. NEED. {You}. oh God i'm desperate can you not see? i can't live without You near... can't breathe without my lungs ripping. every inhale shorter than the one before, subconsciously witholding breath because my brain automatically tries to prevent physical agony, but i'm oblivious. i know it like i know there's a sky above me--it has no significance. what difference does a sky make when you can't find who you can't live without?  i can't survive without You...not because that sounds so romantic or i'm intellectually aware of it or i'm supposed to feel that way. but God. please hear me- i CANNOT live. without your presen...

my mouth is stopped, humbled,...and sometimes i wonder if that separation, that ripping & tearing was the real means of death.  but all i know is sweet sweet relief. He's here. silent, but here. He never left...He has been pursuing me.   there aren't words. repentance & forgiveness & learning & growing will come... but for now i just fall at the feet of the One who's been running behind me this entire time. Who's paid a far greater higher infintely more painful cost than i am capable of. the hound of Heaven who pursues, truly.

sitting outside on the back deck. hey Lord, i need You.  quiet desperation-the peaceful but no less intense kind.  NEED You to be with me. go with me? You have emptied me & its good b.c all i was filled with was pride&me&trying to fix things i can't. but now i, i have nothing. i cannot love serve give be Your hands&feet&heart lest You put some Spirit in this empty vessel.  ukraine. thoughts of orphans & already wanting to bring one home. home-thoughts of starting anew & school & change & actually taking steps toward what i've thought-known-believed i'd spend my life doing since i was 8-9-10 (?)  Your daughter is really small. o Rescuer, please see me, slammed over n over against the spiritual wall. i've been trying to rest in You but it's been a beating week. i'm overwhelmed undone too small. for all of this.  fresh water dripping from the sky. salt water sliding down my face, mingling with the dampish-becoming-drenchish fabri...