wild melody

cooking is therapy. idk why, somehow the chopping, mixing & such calms my heart & settles my mind. Or lets me sort out my thoughts to the rhythmic motions of my hands. maybe that's it. it's the sort of thing i would never, EVER want to do for a living--cannot imagine spending all day or night in a hot stuffy kitchen without windows. blech. but if its been a hard day or week, i actually like cooking. especially good ole comfort southern food like cornbread. ooohh baby! so tonight i'm grateful for a little windowless apartment kitchen, for the mental capacity to use things like stoves & knives without damaging myself, for motor skills in hands that are healthy and functioning, for solitude, mostly for promises. i'm grateful for a God who has all things planned. for GOOD {romans 8--promise} for soveriegnty and infinite loving wisdom, which for me become peace. peace becase i dont' have to have anyhthign sorted out. not my thoughts or feelin...

tangled tangled heart. {and mind] lately. feel like i have lost all love music colour n light in me lately. (i haven't been pursuing Jesus.) slowly, gently God pulls back the layers of my heart... i'm listening to lies. lies from my own earthly self, lies of the enemy, lies implied by even those who are good friends but whose words lack God's perspective. why this struggle with things i thought conquered? why wars being waged on ground i never cared to even see before? why do i seem to be unrecognizable, as if every drop of light in me has been sucked into a void leaving only a skeleton? i feel i'm living in the frame of who i would have been had God not rescued changed renewed me. where are the signs of this spirit? i've been avoiding these questions because  well. i don't actually want answers. no thanks. ignorance prevents responsibility  i don't want to have a heart to heart with God. i'd rather be vaguely miserable and fake e...

words are so like a hawk in my chest, and i try to open the cage but so often all the feathers get in the way and he doesnt ever seem to fly out the right way

thank a veteran and or a soldier today. seriously. doesn't matter where you stand politically. doesn't matter what your opinions are on this war or wars in general.  the guys and girls who've come back from living hell deserve a measure of respect and gratitude.

hi. i run out of words sometimes. unless it is heartspeak or something i am passionate about or interested in, i can only say so much. so a personal opinioin essay where no opinion exisist is killer. epsecially as i watched machine-gun preacher last night. which really provoked some soul searching and heart thinking. so my heart has been full of different sorts of things all day. and i want to write about haiti and my selfishness in saying i will never ever go back because it is just too much for my heart to bear. oh help. i have 30 minutes to get this shit done. when children are starving lonely beaten etc all over the world. and i am too scared to help them. maybe. i dont know. aaaaarojgnuognbuionvf

i was pretty depressed this morning. discouraged about the direction of politics, of life, of the american and world current atmosphere. what is God up too? im wondering if i'm going to see strange things in my lifetime or if its just part of the cycle of ups n downs that have continued throughout all of history. but. God is the one who holds the nations in His hands, He sets authorities in power. He has a long-term, worldwide plan of redemption that will display HiS glory and culminate in the return of the Warrior-King Christ. He is always working towards that goal. He is my hope. My peace, my assurance. so. because of all the ^above^ i am *determined* to enjoy today. its not shallow, its okay to wrestle with God in the morning & then choose to delight in little everyday things. or maybe it is, i don't care. life. is. still. beautiful... *hooray for front porches on second-story apartments--treetops rising above the buildings in front of me are right at eye level; alo...

some days i am fragile. today it's mostly caused by sleep deprivation, hormones that i can't control & forget to take into account. & school stress...i don't know if everybody has shattered days or if it is just me. (i used to have them rarely, on a small scale. as in my version of "shattered" meant "my heart is a little bruised and i maybe could cry if i tried." ha.ha. funny, you old locked up unfeeling heart self) well. then i went through the whole depression thing last fall- march. jan-april 15 was especially the worst season of my entire life to date. which is ridiculous, because life was grand and really? after all the awful things i've walked through in others' lives? for some reason i fall apart when it's peachy keen. go figure. anway. i told myself every.single.day "you'll get through, this is no big deal it just *feels* like a big deal". i barely made it. i literally focused on getting through day-to-day life...