1) i am not nearly as "made-new" as i thought. i need a lot more breaking.
probably done more necessary confessing & repenting the past month than i have in my whole life to date. i'm learning i can take the "roof off" all i want, but just being open before God isn't always enough. i also need to take "walls down" and be open to others.
2) i have amazing friends, who reflect well their greater, more amazing God's grace.
cases in point:
a few nights ago a kind friend text me this as a way of forgiving me:
"Isn't GRACE just the most beautiful experience ever!? The grace in conviction, the grace in humility, the grace in forgiveness! It's astounding!!"
this morning another friend emailed me:
"I want you to see your imperfections, your weaknesses and your failures NOT has chains of condemnation, but as opportunities for God to come, save, and raise up in His strength and love! God's plan for using you, is so much wider than you can see or intend... more than you can thing to look for or anticipate. His power to use us goes even beyond our motives... I'm not saying that our heart posture doesn't matter, quite the contrary. However, God is not limited, God is not stopped, and as His child God is going to accomplish His purpose in your life no matter what. He's going to bring you safely across the finish line... don't lose heart, because of how you feel... He's got you covered. :)"
i am starting to see. God's grace is rich. aaand i'm starting to see. that i am too proud to accept it. there are times i do, but there are times like now where it seems impossible for me to stop striving and just RECEIVE. oh to be free from the chains of pride! if i will embrace all this seeming death and just admit yeah i need grace, i need Jesus, i still don't get it...there will be new life. He will change. especially when i read this yesterday:
"all new life only comes from a complete revolution.
The turning upside down of everything can simply be the beginning of turning a new leaf.
The midwife waits for the babe to turn upside down; the farmer turns over the earth and pushes a seed down so it will grow up. Upside down can be right side up…
And maybe the bending and the breaking and everything being up turned is the sign of new life about to break forth.
What had Chesterton had said?
“The fatal metaphor of progress, which means leaving things behind us, has utterly obscured the real idea of growth — which means leaving things inside us.”
The real idea of growth is not leaving things behind us, but leaving things inside us — Easter and resurrection and the bent Lord and risen King and this is how we rise up in a turned-upside down world." http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/04/for-when-your-life-seems-turned-upside-down-the-practice-of-living-easter/
and i think this is an accurate theme song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ftt1RX93bzk&feature=relmfu
Comments
B. A friend once told me, "You ease my shame in brokenness because that's finally where I see your forgiveness." That definitely applies here, I believe.
C. It's a good idea to take "walls down", but if you say you 'need' to, that causes all sorts of problems, namely anxiousness. Being anxious (like I'm being here ;D) is never really good because you accidentally throw everything out all at once, which may harm you by jumping through it too quickly, and confuse the few that you're confiding in.
I know that you're walking through a difficult season in life, and I know exactly what you're going through. (I've been through something similar, which yeah, is odd, considering I'm about six or seven years younger then you [I don't really feel like counting exact years]). I know my situation was slightly different, but you're being grown up about trying to change. I myself made REALLY stupid decisions, and it almost cost me dearly. There are a few blog posts of mine that I want you to take a look at...unfortunately though, I can't remember the name. So if you have time, look around and see if anything jumps out to help you. :) Been praying and thinking of you a lot, and I will continue to do so. Love ya, older sis. ;)