i would like to be six again. yes please? i'd crawl into my parents bed, and just being between them would be enough to fight the monsters in my head. my imagination would be stilled. by the safety of loving sleeping strength. all the vivid images i'd conjured up would die, and i'd sleep. in peace.
i actually don't think i ever did that at 6. but at 23 i wish it was so simple. there aren't monsters in my head, there's an enemy who is quite a match for me. who tells me lies i cannot fight. and apparently, tonight, no amount of praying or scripture reading or worship music is fighting either.
peace? i have peace in knowing my salvation is eternal. that Jesus does have my soul, that He must be with me because i have no new scars on my body. i am not carving the torment of my mind onto my skin, hallelujah! there is one small victory! i know the gospel is true. i am forgiven. i am, in reality, ok. more than ok!
but peace, the feeling of peace, is anything but here. i'm shattered. in a way i haven't been in a very long time, not in years of warfare. it's pathetic. in the past 3.5 hours the trickle of tears comes in waves with the darts. i didn't know i could cry this much in one sitting, at such a small thing... overreaction much? i'm not just letting the devil have his say. i am believing that Jesus has to be the One to defeat Him. I'm battling with the gospel. With logic. With prayer & song. With ok so worst case scenario, it's not a lie; well Jesus still yours, you are his; it's not the end of you!
but. i am so tired of getting hit.
i am so tired of how satan uses. against me! the word.
those who are my brothers & sisters, fellow warriors.
but. HE LIES.
i am alone. this is a battle i have to cling to Jesus alone in. My parents, my besties, my boy, nobody can get in this one with me. i KNOW Jesus is here. but i know how bitterly abandoned david felt when he was writing psalms 86 &88. O Lord. when will you save me? how many times must i cast myself on your mercy, begging you to stop the lies that have the pain of past reality entwined. the voice that reminds me of my past sins so sharply, it's as if he is scraping glass along my skin. it makes me so grateful that i know. know. beyond a doubt. i am forgiven!! but oh how i long for a forgetting. to cast it from east to west, to not have to every 5 minutes plead the blood of my precious Christ. to not have pictures in my head.
lies can hurt so fiercely. slay me. when nothing else gets close. such a little one too! how often have we done this? how often have i stood accused? & heard Paul declare the promise of God that NONE can condemn those HE has justified? so why is it different this time? it's shameful how weak i am. how easily shattered by a few words. words,thoughts. wielded like a sword. my shield keeps the blows from being mortal.
but allows bruises.
i cannot wait for dawn. for light. for seeing the Savior one day (oh soon please!) as He stands in Rev 19. As i know He has stood with me. silently. unfelt. but there, supporting sustaining saving. saving His little lamb, who feels anything but worth saving.