i should be sleeping

the sun is going to come up much too early for my tired self tomorrow. but i can't sleep. or read. maybe if i toss scattered ramblish out of my head. sleep might show up.

i danced my heart out today. after dancing out other things, my heart finally showed up. i don't know if it's from not taking lessons anymore. or from having what feels like an old and fading body. but.

it's becoming hard to really dance with my heart. i'm forgetting how to be free. my head gets total control. so distracting. "um you call that a develope en second? your leg's closer to the floor than the ceiling! you haven't taken lessons in some 4 years...choreography please? something decent? ouch! okay maybe shouldn't try decent when your muscles are cold& unstretched...what the hell was that?!...etc"

ugh. constant chatter. you'd think i was conscious of an audience. instead of having a whole house to myself...eventually i got to the sweet spot. of forgetting myself. not visualizing. just feelin the music. the liberty of. who cares if it looks like shit. don't think. don't try to make it choreography. lets not pretend we can actually dance anymore, and just move. however the music flows, and dance out whatever you feel. that place, is lovely. so very free. free in a way words won't ever set me. in a Jesus inviting way. in a yes, i want God to be in control not me.

heavenish!

except for the super sore left hamstring, aching back, shaky muscles after only 25 min of cardio. ick. out of shape much?

and i sorta got this weirdo click. that what a picture of how i live my dance process is. i'm so odd. but hey that's why this is my ramblish place. so i can say whatev & not have to attempt sensicalness.

anyway. i think too damn much.

no really.

when i should just let go. trust Jesus to have my heart. I try to keep myself from sinning. i can't. i should just trust! Him whom i have believed. i analyze my motives. i try to not feel things because i can't really analyze them. haha. and because they never quite make sense to me.
my heart and my head are always disagreeing... i'm part logic //part emotion. part introvert //part extrovert. part structure & control //part abstract free spirit who makes plans just to break them. my heart. my head. always fighting. for control. of me.

kinda over it.

kinda want to just stop.

and breathe.

and not think.

and let Jesus have the control.

shocker. i'm here what, every six months yes? oh to be free from sinning. & humanity. the fallen part anyway...