wild melody

i just read abigail's latest Ukraine post. ouch. conviction much? i too, have certain things where i have been knocking. and i haven't pushed through until God changes my heart--because i don't want him too. well i do, i really do! mmm, or maybe not so much? my actions would testify to the latter. i don't want an answer. because it won't come easily. it won't be all glory and light and peace. it will be hard-fought. it's going to take wrestling, and probably dig up some pain. healing is always painful here on the broken earth. guess i know what i'll be doing tonight. sigh, but also hooray! i've needed a catalyst. hooray for Jesus using people, for Jesus taking my sin to it's end. bearing the horrendous wrath i've earned. for declaring me righteous by His blood. so that i can approach the throne, for fellowship with God as Father. hooray that i know He'll do a good work. hooray that indwelling sin truly is beaten, just not vanquished yet. ...

((i wrote this in march 2009. found it today. i remember being there. & i'm not anymore. but. think i'll always wrestle with not wanting to feel. always fight my natural tendencies to internalize, shut off my heart, run emotion through the filter of logicness. force my heart to obey my head. some things are easier to be biblical [and human] about than others. i know as the Lord grows me, it'll be easier. maybe someday it can be a strength? idk.)) 3.19.09 “...We may know the right answer. And yet we don’t know it. It is a hard answer. But we make it sound like a pat answer. God sets about a long slow answering. But we try to make it a quick fix. His answer insists on being lived out over time and into the particulars. We act as if just saying the right words makes it so. God’s answer insists on changing you into a different kind of person. But we act as if some truth, principle, strategy, or perspective might simply be incorporated into who we already are. God personaliz...

found this the other day & it made me laugh. so funny. except i don't really like "charming". its a little snake-like. too smooth = sketch. def don't agree with all of these (stand up when i come to the table, what, like i'm the queen or something? please don't! lol) but it's fun. i need some fun around here. espesh b/c when Abigail returns to me, she'll get a kick out of this. Abs we should do our own list... mine would be way shorter. keep 1. 2's big, but i can kill my own bugs. 5-6 so true. then all you need is loving Jesus & putting up with my fam & something about fishing. right abs? ;) 15 Ways to Charm Her Southern Living, July 2009 By Amy Bickers “Want to impress a Southern girl? Just think “What would my grandfather have done?” Number one: We still expect you to give up your seat for a lady. On a bus, at a bar, on a train. . . we don’t care where you are. Unless you are at a restaurant and the only lady in s...

the sun is going to come up much too early for my tired self tomorrow. but i can't sleep. or read. maybe if i toss scattered ramblish out of my head. sleep might show up. i danced my heart out today. after dancing out other things, my heart finally showed up. i don't know if it's from not taking lessons anymore. or from having what feels like an old and fading body. but. it's becoming hard to really dance with my heart. i'm forgetting how to be free. my head gets total control. so distracting. "um you call that a develope en second? your leg's closer to the floor than the ceiling! you haven't taken lessons in some 4 years...choreography please? something decent? ouch! okay maybe shouldn't try decent when your muscles are cold& unstretched...what the hell was that?!...etc" ugh. constant chatter. you'd think i was conscious of an audience. instead of having a whole house to myself...eventually i got to the sweet spot. of forgetting myself...

i would like to be six again. yes please? i'd crawl into my parents bed, and just being between them would be enough to fight the monsters in my head. my imagination would be stilled. by the safety of loving sleeping strength. all the vivid images i'd conjured up would die, and i'd sleep. in peace. i actually don't think i ever did that at 6. but at 23 i wish it was so simple. there aren't monsters in my head, there's an enemy who is quite a match for me. who tells me lies i cannot fight. and apparently, tonight, no amount of praying or scripture reading or worship music is fighting either. peace? i have peace in knowing my salvation is eternal. that Jesus does have my soul, that He must be with me because i have no new scars on my body. i am not carving the torment of my mind onto my skin, hallelujah! there is one small victory! i know the gospel is true. i am forgiven. i am, in reality, ok. more than ok! but peace, the feeling of peace, is anything but here. i...