to 10 year old me

dear little one, i know you feel confused right now. you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, sad, icky, & guilty. i wish i could tell you to share what happened with someone. but i don't know if any adults in your life have the toolkit to handle this. i know you'll carry this day embedded in your body for decades. i can't fix that. i can't stop it from happening in the first place. oh, how i wish i could! so the most important thing i want to tell you is this: what happened was not your fault. look at me baby girl-- you are not dirty, you are not evil, this was not a sin you committed. you didn't want this. but you didn't know how to get out of it without hurting him. it's not your fault that you didn't understand the magnitude of what was happening. this was a yucky moment where you were sinned against. (maybe. i don't know how to classify it really) im sorry the church would spend the next decade of your life pounding into your head that you must have invited it, asked for it; that you were dirty before you even hit puberty. i know you wouldn't connect the dots bc your brain protected you by fogging up this day in your memory. you'll be left with a vague unease you can't explain when you see him in the future & you won't know why you feel impure for another 15-17 years. but now i know. it was never your shame to carry. it was never guilt for something you did. those are lies, love. you were innocent. you were harmed by a child himself, who thought his actions were what one did when they loved someone. i know that complicated things. it still does, if i'm honest... i still don't know how to process this. i don't fully remember all the details, even with EMDR. your child-mind is still working so hard to protect you. it's frustrating, but you know what? it's because you are valuable. all these years you have felt less then a worm, you've felt you deserved every bad thing, every abuse. but your mind somwhere deep inside still saw your heart as valuable. still tried to protect your nervous system from remembering a trauma you couldn't handle. there is something sweet amidst all the hurt in that. you have been so brave. you were still vibrant, hopeful, open-hearted & caring after this. i know you spent so many nights scared & hurting alone. im here now. i'll be here with you, and we will both be ok. not all the time but we will heal. you're so precious. you did not deserve to have your innocence stolen from you. you did not deserve the shackles of modesty culture & purity culture. you had so much taken from you, and you dont even realize how much until now. 23 years later, you will be loved by a really good man. he is gentle, kind, patient, tender with all your wounded spaces. this will be when you realize just how deep the loss of innocence affected you, bc you're scared to marry him. you can't imagine intimacy beyond a certain point no matter how much he protects your boundaries & honors you by setting ones you didn't even know you needed. i know you aren't angry. not at him. the day might come. i don't know, i haven't found it yet. instead i'm angry at the church culture that made so many of us childhood sex abused kids hold dark secrets. i'm angry that he was abused by someone amd thought it was love. i'm angry that even at 10 years old, you beleived his feelings were more important then yours. that you had alresdy absorbed the lie from hell giving you responsibility to protect men at all costs. one on hand, it shows what a good heart you had that you still cared and didn't want to hurt him. but on the other i see so clearly the evil our culture does when it tells little girls that they exist to be "good" by keeping the peace. what a weight on those tiny, bony shoulders. i wish i could hug you. i wish i could protect you. i can't. but i will heal you. i don't judge you, or blame you. i don't hate you. i'm going to do whatever it takes to help you let go of the shame, the pain, the fear you inherited this day.