the january i was 23

*notes scribbled in my phone recently after listening to podcasts about the white supremacy rampant in evangelical christianity* 

i think that day i went to the garage and screamed at the sky, i was becoming an atheist. i was desperately pleading with God to show up bc i didn't believe he existed anymore, bc he hadn't met me. bc i could explain every supposed spiritual comfort with science, with delusion.

i felt fooled

abandoned

desolate

i was overwhelmed by loss and i didn't have a language or a means of articulating what was happening in my brain. i didn't choose God bc i was so sure He was real. i loudly proclaimed & inked it on my skin that I was choosing him bc i was so afraid he wasn't. 

i was so scared, so lost.

so i forced it.

i thought i could choose to believe and silence all my questions but

i couldn't.

i truly believe i found God again somehow in ukraine. 

but i think what i'm walking through now is the fallout of having really been an agnostic or an atheist for a long long time. i couldn't admit it to myself, bc i would mentally break down.

i couldn't lose the people i love. 

i couldn't lose meaning & purpose 

and i couldn't find those without a God.

i think i'm trying to return, but that's why it feels like square one

i don't know what i believe 

i don't know what is real or true 

i don't know if i believe i can even know truth 

i don't know if i really believe in God

i want to?

but it doesn't feel like i do. 

can you just choose to believe something is real bc you want it to be? 

is that faith? 

or is that just a desperate need for control? 

do i really want to? 

or is it more terrifying to believe God exists?

what is the honest truth about me? 

maybe i can contain both of my selves. the rational side of my mind which cannot deny scientific evidence, & doesn't feel a religion that requires it could be healthy or true; and the emotional (?) side of my mind which one time experienced God, and wants him to be real. who wants to truly believe and not just keep trying so damn hard to choose it. 

maybe God isn't the problem?

maybe it's the fundamentalism & evangelical tradition that asked me to deny science and not allow my mind/ brain to work. maybe it's american christianity. maybe God uses both. maybe i can exist in both planes?

when i consider whether or not i truly believe in God in this moment, i don't know. 

part of me thinks no, and is relieved.

part of me thinks yes & is comforted.

none of me is afraid of hell. (interesting... because at many moments i am)

one thing i have somehow come to hold dearly close to my heart is that IF god is truly real; he loves us. he is merciful & gracious beyond what we can fathom. He is not angry at us individually. He would not condemn me but meet me or lead me back. if God is true, I have no fear bc he will hold me still. 

if he isn't, i can still live a brave, beautiful life. still  see beauty & choose goodness. and when it ends, i will be blissfully ignorant. that's why i can't commit to a church-- i feel like i'm lying bc i don't believe in all the things the church proclaims to. 

i would define God as "a being who is all-powerful, who created/ invented & sustains the universe." 

I believe he is loving. or maybe i *want* to believe he is loving, kind, compassionate. i don't know if i can ever believe the bible is inerrant...it was authored & translated by men with their own ideologies. can it be true but not intended to be 100% literal or prescriptive? does every word have to be interpreted as literal fact? or can we just see it as a messy history book that shows us a little of who God is & how to have a relationship with him. maybe much of the barriers between humans encountering God + all of the damage, violence, power-hungry political parts of a religion come from a human misuse of God's idea and not God Himself.

I want to know god. but. i do. NOT. want to return to an intellectual faith, to a rigid doctrinal box he has to fit into. i want nothing to do with calvinism, or with anti-lgbtq+ folks, or bible beltness, or with the all lives matter crowd. 

i don't want to be driven by a fear of being wrong. 

I just want to know Who He is, & I want to believe he is  g o o d.  I want to be someone who helps others encounter the loving God who brings hope & peace. 

what will i do if i discover God isn't loving?

what if he is angry, harsh, demanding? 

what will i do if i find he is rigid & requires adherence to laws & rules no one can keep?