(hello january)

writing is hard these days.

((honestly, everything is hard these days. not because of trial or tragedy but just mentally. life is work. "these days" being the past week & a half))

i write to be honest. if there is one thing this space is, it's the corner of my world where i don't restrain myself. i let my heart & mind breathe & exhale. i try to preach back to it some truth when it is going it's own wrong way. i hope God makes His work known & seen! yet i know there is much of sin & ugliness here. i don't say all the right things. even though i know them and fight to believe them, it doesn't seem honest to say what i am failing to live. i admit idolatry & doubting faithlessness. oh, but does that not prove how very very faithful He is? that He still loves-saves-keeps this child...i am still under construction. still putting off my nasty old self, and learning how to put on my new loving one. i'm becoming a better reflection of Christ--but all by His work. sometimes I stubbornly resist. anyway.

point being: not much to say, when you are committed to honesty; and unsure of most things.

i am unsure of my mind.

i'm not sure if things i think and feel really ARE the things i think and feel. these days. lol not because i don't know myself, but cause i do; (or thought i did) and often what comes out of my mouth surprises me. i don't feel like me at all.

i'm not sure what's going on with my body or my mind.

not sure what God is doing in my heart. through this.

not sure what is physiological, what is spiritual. not sure how this whole mind-body-soul thing, this being that is physical, mental, emotional AND spiritual is supposed to work. fairly sure it is broken. not sure how, where or why. definitely unsure how it will be fixed. a little frightened. a lot unwell.

but.

there are a few things i am still CERTAiN of. what a lovely word, certainty!

God is GOOD. always, better-than-i-can-fathom good. the embodiment of goodness itself.

HE defines goodness. i do not. i can trust His definition to be better than mine.

God is SOVEREIGN. He sees all of me. He knows what is wrong, even if doctors don't. He is my Creator and my Healer. He holds me together. even when i seem to be falling completely apart, He still sustains my soul.

He is FAITHFUL. He will never never never EVER let me go. no matter what. i know Whom i have believed, and i will see His face. not only will i make it, i have a future of purpose and fruitfulness on earth. He does not save a life only to let it be wasted.

He keeps His promises. every prophecy about the Messiah? met. completed. every promise for redemption, healing, salvation? finished with the life-death-resurrection of Jesus Christ. THAT proves that my God keeps His word. every single Word of His is truth. every promise will be kept, and i am now a child of the promise! (romans & hebrews)

those are absolute truths. i am not always sure of them. not mentally, or emotionally. i wonder, i doubt, "how do i know?" but. their existence is not dependent on my belief!! they are true whether i "know" or not. they are as solid, more so even, as the very ground i live on. i fight to be sure. and my soul knows. my heart has absolute faith in the One Who loves it. it doesn't need any further proof. even when i haven't the ability to pray for myself, i have a tiny spark of peace & hope deep down. God has me.

those truths are what i cling to when i feel i'm losing my mind. when i can't think a single coherent thought. when i have no reason to cry, but i'm physically & mentally incapable of self control and so i sob. (feel like an idiot. but i'm too tired to get mad at myself anymore. it doesn't give me any control over my tears lol) "God is good" shines through panic like a deep, even breath. it's strength in my utter helpless weakness. its a steady beam of light that cuts through tempest winds & dark dark rain. that truth alone, is an anchor i can grasp. it keeps me from drowning--i may *feel* like i'm upside down in a kayak in the middle of the ocean during a hurricane. but somehow, i know i won't drown. there is a good purpose. i'll be grateful, someday.

i can't see how. but i don't have to.

this will turn out for my deliverance.