oh! if i come to be fully surrendered, no price is too great! if i come to truly love God, how worth it! if He will take mental assent, intellectual belief & impart it to my halting, self-reliant, security-seeking heart! I need HiM to break strongholds of fear & doubt in my mind. the question of His goodness, can i really trust Him? is a battle i've won in my head. but now it gets to the core of my being. & my heart is unsure of Him whom i have believed.
i don't doubt He has saved me! i have far too many proofs. i've seen Jesus, i've believed His love & loved Him (but poorly). if sure of salvation (my greatest need!) logic says i can be sure of the rest. ah, but God wants more than logical conclusions. He wants faith. news flash: i cannot move truth from head to heart. CANNOT. not in a cop-out, oh hey i'm going to lay around in my sin way. no, my sin is literally killing me & suffocating every good thing in life. i'd do anything to be free but i can't "do" anything. aaahh mental breakdown! it's a process, & my Father has perfect loving timing. HE must do it. that is terrifying, when it should be comforting. someday it will be!
i feel like i'm having spiritual triple bypass surgery. even though i had a dim awareness of these things, i'm seeing the havoc they wreak on me in a greater depth. i see my heart:
*has functionally set itself up as God and defined "goodness".
-which results in taking on responsibility for everything & everyone around me. carrying burdens that are God's. striving with Him. no peace, no rest, no joy.
*is having a crises of faith that only divine intervention will solve.
-i see and repent of a new lie everyday. lies about His character, His glory, etc.
*i live as if i earn everything after salvation.
"you've been working too hard, & God is saying stop! my burden is easy..."
now i believe in justification by faith. NO way i could earn my salvation! never a thought of trying to pay God that debt. but sanctification? that's by me. Jesus dies to save me, then everything after is my job. HOW have i not seen this before?!
"Let me ask you only this: did you the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?" (gal 3)
He is faithful. He forgives when we repent! i've cast myself on His mercy. now i have to learn to just follow. trust that HE will keep me from slipping back into my old ways. it's like learning to think all over again! sweet sweet news, Christ died for all my sins AND every obedience. ALL the good things I have in Christ? FREE. imparted by God just as salvation. sanctification is HIS work. i just rest. He will do this work. and every work hereafter. He has brought me to the utter end of myself. (well, i've thought that a few times before this lol. i guess when one has a will as stubborn as mine there is an awful lot of levels one must be broken on) but this is surely the most intense yet. i am grateful, for i know. the FREEDOM JOY LIBERTY PEACE & ASSURANCE OF HIS LOVE that He will pour in as a result will be like nothing i've known before. i have prayed and longed for rest, for true peace. i cannot have true peace until i am His.
i will look back on this one day and say, "here is why i know, not just in my head, but in every fiber of myself, that my Jesus is good." & i just had to get that out. but i can't focus on what God is doing in me or i get overwhelmed, overthinking, freak out. i just want to focus on Him. On his LOVE for me. it's all that holds me up right now.