9.05.2011

honesty

alright. so if i'm going to be completely honest, that last post was a cop out...haha.
i relate more to the song wounded right now.
because i feel like God began something, i feel like He was breaking me.
then stopped.
left.
Left me here with a heart still partly stone, cracked and bleeding, and i have no way to make it whole. i've tried a million band aids and scriptures and prayers and everything under the sun. i've tried pretending i was already whole. i've tried faking it. i've tried thinking i'm crazy psycho with a wierd victim complex. i've pretended i had an unbreakable heart.
then i tried honesty...
nothing.
i KNOW i'm not abandoned. i know He hears me, he speaks through people and His Word. His kindness in evident in so many little everyday mercies. He is not "silent", as some would use the term.
but when i sit before Him in silence. it stays silent. that is a silence i am not used to. that is the most painful thing i have ever felt or experienced.

when i walk, i don't feel His hand on my shoulder.
and i cannot find that there is anything in my life that is hindering my reception of His voice. i'd repent and run to Him as fast as possible if only i could find some rebellion, but there isn't one. there are wrestlings and struggles but i'm longing for Him to just my break my hip already.
i want to obey. i want to give in. i don't want to fight. but i'm powerless to even surrender without His help.
I know He is teaching me something. I know it won't be like this forever. i'm sure He will speak.
but if i could just admit where my heart is...
it feels like part of me is dying, like colour is fading from the world, like i can't breathe. i just can't live without His presence being VIBRANT. day to day. hearing and feeling from Him, even correction. Oh God, I would give up the sweetest gifts you've given me to have the closeness of my walk with you back.

3 comments:

Bonni said...

You're so right that it won't be forever. And others [speaking of myself] have walked this road as well. But the waiting is misery and you have my compassion/empathy/love. I'm going to start praying for a timely end to this season for you, m'kay?

Abi said...

Now is not forever. Oh love, I am well acquainted with that place, and am fervently praying for you. (^^^)

damaris said...

thanks ya'll. i am so grateful for your prayers for me!!