9.22.2011

frustrated vents shouldn't be taken too seriously

well since i'm going to be pulling an all nighter, may as well write myself out eh? i'm just going to pretend that this is still my own hidden space. let loose all i've been restraining, say whatever i want. not consider how it might be taken. i need some breathing space! i need room. so i'm making some right now,
except...
i. hate. words.
no really.
i'm not any good at math, but at least numbers themselves don't make me feel stupid. there are only 0-9 after all. in an infinite number of combinations, true. but nobody thinks when you say "twenty" that you mean "eleven". everyone knows you mean twenty ones, two tens, four fives. it's concrete. nobody misunderstands you. the effort you put forth is rewarded in correct understanding of the answer to the equation. unless you have dis-calculi, in which case you most likely read the equation backwards...different subject.

i'm much better at talking than i am math.
but words are just like little cages that trap what i think. they take my thoughts and twist them so that they look entirely foreign to me when i try to express them. then i feel trapped and suffocated and spent. they make me feel like shit. they don't help me out at all, evil little creatures! not the least little bit. few things feel worse than having a 2-hour conversation and knowing you weren't understood at all. & you can't think of another way to state what you've said multiple times, it just isn't getting through. but you've said it as bluntly as you can. what other way is there? if you take the basic concept and try to dress it in fancier clothes, won't the meaning be even more lost?

i don't know. all i know is that i'm done. i can't possibly try harder, i can't think anymore. i'm exhausted mentally and communicationally (there's a new word for webster) but i'm not mentally tired enough to sleep. i'll just sit here feeling broken and wracking my brain, but it won't change anything. is it laziness if one asks the Lord to change your words in another person's head so that they get you? if you've tried multiple ways to say the same thing over a period of a few weeks? probably not a prayer that's going to be answered. seems the Lord's way is more along the learning growing line...hooray. only i don't think i can learn or grow anymore in this area without breaking my window with my fist. or my head on my wall...haha.
sigh. ahh. can i just have a wordshaking gift? thankfully the gospel has already been written out for me. i should just go live on an island all alone where i don't need words...just the ocean.
since i can't leave for an island in the middle of the night though. i'll just listen to eric church, sara barrielles, sanctus real, jj heller & eminem. i know. wild combination. but they help me get frustration out & calm me to where i can read the Bible till the sun makes this whole foolishness look as silly as it is...


i bet in heaven, i'm going to open my mouth and just have colours and instrumental music come out...

1 comment:

Abi said...

yup. I'm still praying for you comrade.
And that last bit? Just one of the most inspiring dreams of Heaven I've ever heard, that's all. [^^^]