6.15.2017

hurricanes

this isn't supposed to be like this.

i'm the bad guy in this scenario, i'm the mean one, i hurt you. unintentionally. but, if there's blame to lay somewhere my door is the only one fitting.

i shouldn't be acting like i'm the one with the broken heart. i know it seemed disconnected when you asked. but i really was thinking about grace. how much i don't deserve you. how incapable i am in this moment of my life to give you what you deserve. you didn't find me at my worst; but i'm still climbing up from it. i can't pretend that's ok. i can't give you part of me, when you should have all. i can't give you pieces when you are so willing to care for me whole. i also couldn't say that if i had ever for one moment considered that an option...well i don't know. it never crossed my mind. there's a lot of feeling hiding behind the things i don't allow my mind to access. damn... but aside from the logical cons, i would never have let myself fall for you. i can't be so selfish. i can't take advantage of your sincerity. you're not some little boy playing at romance. damn this would be a hell of a lot easier if you were. but you're intentional & thoughtful & as much as i'd like to pretend it's not true, you do know what you want. why and how did you ever see it in me? that's the part i'm confused about. you were right on that. i know i said i wasn't confused, but that was only in relation to where i needed to go with this. about whether or not we should still be friends at the level we'd grown into. i know i'm not in love with you, i don't like you as more than a friend. but i will forever be confused as to how you fell into these feelings. sometimes i think you looked at me and saw me as i truly am and chose to just care for me no matter where it went. but that's impossible. ? i created a sub-universe in my head (what's that word?) of my own years ago and i've been living in it ever since. where my armor was impenetrable and nobody could be attracted to me. not really. not with any depth or heart or reality.
this was fucking real.
i don't... i can't imagine that kind of fierce courage.
do you have any idea how much you flipped my entire universe off it's axis?
and you do think too much of me. you're not naive, but you are innocent. you wouldn't if you had more experience with women, i think; there are others farther along in their pursuit of being their best selves. women who are deeper & richer in character, who love Jesus with all of them, who are capable of loving you as well as a human can, who aren't so afraid or difficult or stubborn. you have such a steady heart. you shouldn't settle for someone who has no idea what she's doing with hearts.

but i do regret all the things i couldn't say, because i couldn't let my heart start beating. i don't think i'll ever forget what it feels like to be frozen between time and space and hang there, a thousand thoughts racing in my mind and my heart waking up to things that had never been considered. i don't know how i found any words. it's surreal, like a code. where all the thoughts of heart and mind are battling each other but you see with startling clarity exactly what needs to be done. so you do it, & focus in on what's best for the person you're fighting for until all else fades out.
but you know there is going to be hell to pay after.

i wish i had asked for time to think & process before saying goodbye. i wish i had been a little more practical and had asked a lot more questions about what you need and how this could look. i wish i had told you that i needed you for the season i had your friendship. that i was drowning in isolation and unable to pull myself out or even see that i needed too. until you told me what it looks like from outside. that you're the reason i reached out to my squad, that i was shutting them out and decided to just let the deepest, most powerful and amazing friends fade out of my life because the long-distance thing was too painful. but your words gave me the courage to see the depth of my own need, and what damage it would do to my soul. now i'm less afraid of the pain. i knew all along they were worth it; but i let myself pretend to forget. that you reminded me to stop running from my own depth. that your conversations re-ignited my passion for pushing in to life with all i have. i was lingering in the shallows, avoiding myself and letting my world stay in a numb greyscale. meeting someone with all the intensity of my own soul was such a catalyst and a reminder that numb is worse than pain. i missed thinking deeply, missed creating space to write and process, missed engaging with the world on the level i'm capable of. i was on the ropes, and you kicked me back into the ring. i needed tangible challenges to overcome and remember what i'm made of, and you took me places i could climb & physically fight out my fears. i wish i had said over and over until you believed me that this wouldn't work because i'm emotionally unavailable and incapable right now. not because you lack. not because of any deficit or deep flaws in you. i mean, we both have flaws a plenty. but who's to say if those would work themselves out for our growth or be incompatible? those are things you don't know unless you give it a shot. the good qualities you have are ones i admire. i could lean on you and i don't think you would crumble. you earned my respect and a level of trust. i instinctively knew i was safe with you, and for once in my life i went with my gut. i don't regret that. maybe i do, a little, for your sake.
because if i find myself hurting when i breathe and aching in my chest? damn. i can't bear to think what you must be fighting through. maybe not. maybe it was all in your head, and it's easier for you to let it go. i say doubtful, because i'm grieving the loss of a friend and the loss of a potential for something that would have been even better. but you're grieving something you went for. the loss of something you actually

i just thought maybe if i vomited all my feelings and confusion out into the void without edit or correction it may help. because i'm flying blind here. i've never been pursued because i was valued for myself. i've never said no from a place that wanted to think about what it would mean to say yes. i've never been cared about by someone that didn't have a single damn reason, that i haven't done anything for. i've never been the one to receive all of the blessing at another's expense. i've always seen myself an epinone, and you made me a marius.

grace. un-earned, un-deserved favor or approval. that's what i was experiencing. that's what you gave me. i have just been confronted with it, full force. and it knocked me off my feet. i'm at a loss. you've shown me the face of God. how do i recover?

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