this isn't supposed to be like this.

i'm the bad guy in this scenario, i hurt you. unintentionally. but, if there's blame to lay somewhere my door is the only one fitting.

i shouldn't have this war between mind & heart. my heart shouldn't be acting like it's broken. i know it seemed disconnected when you asked. but i really was thinking about grace. how much i don't deserve you. how incapable i am in this moment of my life to give you what you deserve. you didn't find me at my worst; but i'm still climbing up from it. i can't pretend that's ok. i can't give you part of me, when you should have all. i can't give you pieces when i would want all. i also couldn't say that if i had ever for one moment considered that an option...i don't know. it never crossed my mind. there's a lot of feeling hiding behind the things i don't allow my mind to access. damn... but even then i wouldn't have let myself fall for you. i can't be so selfish. i can't take advantage of your sincerity. you're not some little boy playing at romance. damn this would be a hell of a lot easier if you were. i tell myself you don't mean what you say, but you seem to have such a steady heart it makes it difficult to believe. you're intentional & a thinker & hyper-focus so as much as i'd like to pretend it's not true, you do know what you want. why and how did you ever see it in me? that's the part i'm confused about. you were right. i know i said i wasn't confused, but that was only in relation to where i needed to go with this. about whether or not we should still be friends at the level we'd grown into. i know i'm not in love with you, i don't like you as more than a friend. but i will forever be confused as to how you maintained feelings after knowing me? sometimes i think you looked at me and saw me as i truly am and chose to just care for me no matter where it went. but that's impossible. ? i created a sub-universe in my head (what's that word?) of my own years ago and i've been living in it ever since. where my armor was impenetrable. nobody could be attracted to me. not really. not with any depth or heart or reality.
this seemed fucking real.
i don't... i can't imagine that kind of courage.
do you have any idea how much you flipped my entire universe off it's axis?
you think too much of me. you're not naive, but you are innocent. you wouldn't if you had more experience with women, i think; you wouldn't choose me. not because i'm less than you or not good enough. but there's better. there are others farther along in their pursuit of being their best selves. women who are richer in character, who aren't divided within, aren't in a crises with their spirituality, who are capable of loving you as well as a human can, who aren't so afraid or difficult or stubborn. homeboy lets be real a minute, i've protected you from the worst of me so far but that won't last if you get much closer. i've held my tongue all the times our triggers collide, all the times you project on me. but that can't go on forever. not to mention you seem to have a precious heart? if true, you shouldn't settle for someone who has no idea what she's doing with hearts.

i regret all the things i couldn't say. i couldn't let my heart start beating. it felt like being frozen between time and space and pausing there, a thousand thoughts racing in my mind and my heart waking up to things that had never been considered. i don't know how i found words. it's surreal, like a code. where all the thoughts of heart and mind are battling each other but you see with startling clarity exactly what needs to be done. so you do just that. focus in on what's best for the person you're fighting for until all else fades out.
but you know there is going to be hell to pay after.

i wish i had asked for time to think & process before saying goodbye. i wish i had been a little more practical. had a few questions. i wish i had told you that i needed you for the season i had your friendship. i was drowning in isolation, unwilling to pull myself out or even unable to see that i needed too. til you told me what it looks like from outside. you're the reason i reached out to my squad, i was shutting them out and decided to just let the deepest, most powerful and amazing friends fade out of my life because the long-distance thing was too painful. but your words gave me courage to see the depth of my own need. what damage it would do to my soul. i knew all along they were worth it; but i let myself pretend to forget. i wish i'd said that you reminded me to stop running from my own depth. that your conversations re-ignited my passion for pushing in to life with all i have. i was lingering in the shallows, avoiding myself and letting my world stay in a numb greyscale. your intensity, so like my own, was a catalyst reminder that numb is worse than pain. i missed thinking deeply. missed creating space to write and process, missed engaging with the world on the level i'm capable of. i was on the ropes, and you kicked me back into the ring. i needed tangible challenges to overcome and remember what i'm made of, and you took me places i could physically fight out my fears. i wish i had said over and over until you believed me that this wouldn't work because i'm emotionally unavailable and incapable right now. not because you lack. not because of any deficit or deep flaws in you. i mean, we both have flaws a plenty. but who's to say if those would work themselves out for our growth or be incompatible? who knows if i could get over this insane age gap and not feel like i'm stealing time from you? things you won't know unless you give it a shot. while i'm being honest, you've got the kind of qualities i admire. steadiness, patience, at least with me? & sometimes your harshness dissolves into this gentleness that always catches me off guard bc i don't see it coming. maybe i could lean on you, and maybe you wouldn't crumble. but can you lean back? bc it has to be a weight sharing. you earned my respect with your handling of this and a level of trust. i instinctively knew i was safe with you, (physically) and for once in my life i went with my gut. i don't regret that. maybe i do, a little, for your sake.
because if i find myself aching in my chest? damn. i can't bear to think what you must be fighting through. maybe not. maybe it was all in your head, and it's easy to let it go. maybe you're only attracted to me because i make you feel superior. maybe it's only that i'm more fubar than you. maybe i'ts nothing real and this will fade quickly. god i hope so for your sake. hearts are tricky little bastards.

i just thought maybe if i vomited all my feelings and confusion out into the void without edit or correction it may help. it's hard to let my heart take the driver's seat like this. my logical brain won't be silent, it wants to jump in to every other word. silence the emotion that doesn't make sense because it's not reflective of reality. it's not accurate. but rationality already won the day, so my heart needs this moment to exist. i'm flying blind here. i've never been pursued because i was valued for myself. i've never said no from a place that wanted linger on how lovely it could be to say yes. i've never been cared about by someone that didn't have a single damn reason, that i haven't done anything for. i've never been the one to receive all of the blessing at another's expense.

grace. un-earned, un-deserved favor or approval. that's what i was experiencing. that's what you gave me. i have just been confronted with it, full force. and it knocked me off my feet. i'm at a loss.

1 comment:

Abi said...