6.21.2017

how i pray // letters to my ceiling

i told You to come after me.
i challenged you, last year; to prove you loved me. remember God? even though i say i believe you died on a cross to save me from myself. from striving for morality but always too broken, from the failures & mistakes & chains of my humanity, the sharp taste of death being an end. but i asked, if you really want me? well that feels like a fairytale. it seems distant and strange. so even though i have the sacrifice of your life.

i demanded more.

because i didn't
i didn't believe you would respond
i thought you would say:
"you're ungrateful
look what i have already done?
why can't you accept it
just open your eyes
i already proved my love
you are selfish, blind, lazy
too ignorant
or too willful
too scared?
to receive it. why would i waste any more on you?
there's a limit.
you are too much."

i'm still holding my breath for the harshness.

after all the tiny love letters, all the individual alphabet pieces spelling it out
patiently
slowly
so. very. gently
i can't...my mind fragments. cause you didn't say any of that.
instead
you say i'm... worth it.
worth so much? extravagance.

worth pursuing--no matter how fast i run away, despite my fists pounding your chest, despite the bricks of fear and pain and anger i keep throwing at
you. despite my blind ignorant blame. all my dishonesty, all my rage that we both know belongs at a different door.

you act like you think i am worth convincing
loving
above and beyond the basic
more than life and death?

it's like you...understand?
have compassion?
acknowledge that i am fragile?

what the hell do i do with this.

because i see you
oh God, i see you.
you're running after me
you love me fiercely
you will stop at nothing, use anyone, anything; to show that you love me.

i'm terrified
and relieved
devastated by a calm understanding that all you ask of me is relaxing. letting go. easing the weight off. fragment by fragment
you want my shattered heart

mostly... i'm afraid. but i still want it?

your love
is
terrifying.

please win.

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