￼i told You to come after me.
i challenged you, last year; to prove you loved me. remember God? even though i say i believe you died on a cross to save me from myself. from striving for morality but always too broken, from the failures & mistakes & chains of my humanity, the sharp taste of death being an end. but i asked, if you really want me? well that feels like a fairytale. it seems distant and strange. so even though i have the sacrifice of your life.
i demanded more.
because i didn't
i didn't believe you would respond
i thought you would say:
look what i have already done?
why can't you accept it
just open your eyes
i already proved my love
you are selfish, blind, lazy
or too willful
to receive it. why would i waste any more on you?
there's a limit.
you are too much."
i'm still holding my breath for the harshness.
after all the tiny love letters, all the individual alphabet pieces spelling it out
so. very. gently
i can't...my mind fragments. cause you didn't say any of that.
you say i'm... worth it.
worth so much? extravagance.
worth pursuing--no matter how fast i run away, despite my fists pounding your chest, despite the bricks of fear and pain and anger i keep throwing at
you. despite my blind ignorant blame. all my dishonesty, all my rage that we both know belongs at a different door.
you act like you think i am worth convincing
above and beyond the basic
more than life and death?
it's like you...understand?
acknowledge that i am fragile?
what the hell do i do with this.
because i see you
oh God, i see you.
you're running after me
you love me fiercely
you will stop at nothing, use anyone, anything; to show that you love me.
devastated by a calm understanding that all you ask of me is relaxing. letting go. easing the weight off. fragment by fragment
you want my shattered heart
mostly... i'm afraid. but i still want it?