things I've always known but rarely allow myself to dwell on

 what I really want is just to sail around the world & live at sea. to be a drifter, to have stories, to be free & strange & content. I want to delve a little deeper into the cultures of the world with each stop. I want to become familiar with/able to converse in many languages. not from textbooks, from necessity. from meeting like-hearted people, from learning to read the soul reflected in their eyes and thus connect meanings to language. I want to know my capabilities thoroughly--when to jerry-rig, when to let a pro fix it. I long for weeks on end alone with myself and God. until my desperation is so fierce I finally let go of all my pride & fragility & fears. to regain the ease of speaking with Him, to feel again that His love & approval--securely mine already--are the rock of my joy. I want to be sure of myself again, & the sea always gives me that. I want to be a student of nature, reading the sky & sea as if my life depended on it. keeping me centered. to build friendships without Facebook. show my gratitude with letters & foreign presents.  to crave human interaction after weeks at sea--instead of the constant craving for peace & solitude that lies just beneath my fraying smile. i want to lose my dependence and false "need" of materialism. to learn true simplicity--not the kind I strive for now by avoiding target & Pinterest & the first privileged world that constantly screams at me to buy! want! have! more is better!

but sailing takes money to learn if you have no boat and no sailor friends. some things need to be born into, born for; our society tells us to go for what we want with no understanding that sometimes, it's not best for you.

so I'll work towards a job I love, but that lives behind four stout walls. I will help people & challenge my heart-mind-and-body; and I will be content.