12.04.2013

apathy hurts in a strange unfeeling way


what do you do, when you know it in your head...but your heart is unresponsive? I don't need preaching-I can probably tell you which book of the bible your fix-it bandaid or your sledgehammer conviction came from. yeah, I've to said it all. i thought hope wouldn't leave me. in all my darkness before, I've had small {sometimes painfully faint} existence of hope within. this time. nada. i fight to believe God is good. a rescuer, restorer of wasted time & making faithful the weary. but my heart stopped. & i never noticed. don't tell me to just believe. I know it's real intellectually...but deeper? I feel like God has done nothing. I KNOW its my perspective! but i can.not open my eyes of faith. so desperately want to remake the choice to always believe His Words no matter what my eyes see. i'd relive the hell of 2012 where I knew He was enough & I knew I treasured Him most over this apathy. my heart is so dead. what good is mental assent? 

something's in the way. perhaps deep rooted things? perhaps not? im the deep overthinking analyzer. but i cant figure myself. i (thought) i conquered bitterness. self-pity, self will, arrogance, unbelief. but apparently i haven't. partly laziness is to blame. but partly, isn't it not supposed to be all about my efforts? oh to find that healthy balance... maybe its fear. I don't know. 
all I know is I'm nowhere near the person I was. I don't care about people. I say I don't have the energy. lame excuse. isn't love a choice? yet true, in feeling. i *feel* a weariness so deep in my bones i can't believe i keep living. i WANT to live! life is a beautiful gift! but how can I enjoy it when just getting out of bed aches?  it's God that my body keeps moving most days. i wonder sometimes if my soul becaming faithless & cowardly saps my physical strength; or if physical weariness came first and has seeped beneath my skin. I pray, but I feel hypocritical praying for others when I'm so numb. 

I know I can't change it myself. I can't fix whatever it is. I tell myself how horrible my apathy is, how disheartening my laziness, how foolish my chasing worldly approval in the guise of fitting in with the majority. 

but I feel nothing. 

I want to be devestated. my sin should shatter me! it does on occasion, but the next day I'm too exhausted to care.

please. God I am waiting on You. help me to keep asking for your grace to smash my heart. don't let me stay cold. don't let me deceive myself. let your Word come to life when I read it; speak to me through the pages.

root out whatever you must. give me back a vivid walk with you? I have absolutely zero passion or motivation for life apart from You. I could care less what I do. where I travel. I don't want to get through school or begin a ministry or move out or stay here. all I want to do is sleep. sleep until I'm free from these tendons & weights & fog. I can't even hurt.

You created me for more than this.

help me. oh help my fatal chronic unbelief!!!!! I don't have to do big things for you. I don't need to be superwoman. I don't have to be seen a spiritual powerhouse. it's ok if nobody knows my warrior's heart, I need it back. to give You my all. in my life. every day. in little ways. I want to keep my sacrifices to myself. and stop seeing so much of my duty as a great sacrifice! ahh God. I just want internal spark. life. 

1 comment:

Abi said...

I'm not your answer, but I'm a listening ear.