wild melody

it was a blessed day. God was kind. I'm grateful I took pictures. (except the pic of us w/ nana is from yesterday but I didn't have a photo of today's visit) bc right now the silence is whispering & I am desperately trying to fill my mind with lovely to keep it out.  I'm not good with silence  right now because all the quiet reminds me death is waiting.  I can't help picturing the book thief character...waiting. watching us.  knowing what we don't, being surprised at how unaware we seem. wondering at the foolish way hope sneaks in on days things seem so much better. its not like that. i know the gospel.  damn it. i don't want to mourn the living! i will not grieve while she is yet here for me to hug. pray for. sit with, speak to, laugh with-at... this is why i avoid silence right now. quiet has a voice, I can hear the wrecked days whispering at the edge of my consciousness. it knows how scared ...

what do you do, when you know it in your head...but your heart is unresponsive? I don't need preaching-I can probably tell you which book of the bible your fix-it bandaid or your sledgehammer conviction came from. yeah, I've to said it all. i thought hope wouldn't leave me. in all my darkness before, I've had small {sometimes painfully faint} existence of hope within. this time. nada. i fight to believe God is good. a rescuer, restorer of wasted time & making faithful the weary. but my heart stopped. & i never noticed. don't tell me to just believe. I know it's real intellectually...but deeper? I feel like God has done nothing. I KNOW its my perspective! but i can.not open my eyes of faith. so desperately want to remake the choice to always believe His Words no matter what my eyes see. i'd relive the hell of 2012 where I knew He was enough & I knew I treasured Him most over this apathy. my heart is so dead. what good is mental assent?  something...