theme song: what Sarah said.

I never thought I'd be living this song again so soon. I guess 5 years isn't that soon; but it feels that way.  

goodbyes never get easier. watching someone die never gets easier, it's line a character in a tv show said recently: "normal? no. I see this all the time & it's the job; but it's never normal." 

I don't have anything coherent to say. I just thought maybe a few words would release some of the ache. 

I've seen every one of my aunts cry. ((& the daughters-in-law are not wimpy; only strong woman can marry my dad & his brothers))

but seeing my uncles cry kills me most. their hurt compounds my own heartbreak. these boys are not criers. they're hunters who drive big ole trucks, strong personalities & drinkers & tough & storytellers & crazy embelleshers & goofballs & dads. but not criers. 

the way my oldest uncle, who has to be hurting even more than the others, has been so cheerful & goofy & trying to do what's best for nana. my own dad, how he's risen to the occasion & had grace during tense moments & cared for everybody. 

grief is raw. dragged out grief & the roller coaster of better--death's door--again better is killer. even when you know it's a matter of days, or weeks; the cycle is just. brutal. 

I'm grateful for eternal life. & hope.