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two theme songs today. one is the way i feel i've been acting towards God. and the other is how i feel He actually is towards me. horrendous theology implications aside...

first one: ooohh so me!! i live functionally as if God is my part-time authority. i'm a part-time lover, running to Him when i'm in need and wandering away when i see something else i want. i've never been a full time man. sooo often i think "i've been faithful and God hasn't come through" and i stop. quit. give up. um. word to the girl, you've never STUCK IT OUT! the definition of faithful means *not* giving up when it gets rough. when it looks pointless. i'm willing to admit i'm spiritual Hosea's wife; that's not a new realization. but that my character itself is unfaithful? that something deep in me is a giver-upper? mmm. not me! i'm supposed to be the loyal one, the faithful one. i'm that girl who still thinks about people who walked out of my life in high school & wonders about their stories. i'm the person who doesn't give up on people even when they're just takers. i'm the girl who gets fed up and decides she's done but can't ever make it out the door lol. i'm back, every time. but with my Jesus? nope. no endurance.
it's a hard pill to swallow. that i am not steadfast. i am not loyal. i don't have what it takes to follow Him with all of me. not yet. (we're in process--Jesus doesn't give up on His kids.) of course God doesn't think of me as a fool or a mistake...but really. i relate.
PTL-reliant k
There was a time when I was scared of nothing
Nothing can touch you if you don't look back
I walked away from every good thing that I had

By the time I met you it was 12 past midnight
Told you I'd be the best you never had
You said "Are you serious?" 
I said like a heart attack

But it was far too late before I figured it out.
I never meant to be your, I never meant to be your
One night, one mistake.

I never meant to be your part-time lover
Then again I've never been a full-time man

Never though it'd hurt so bad to see you with another
Guess I'm the fool that ya, ya think I am

I never called you like I know I should of
Thought I could save you for a rainy day
I bet the sun was shining when I let you slip away

I never meant to be your fool
I never meant to be your fool
I walked away from every good think that I had.

but God? oh no. He doesn't leave. He fights for me. He pursues me. He aches for me when He sees me trying to live in my head, trying to work it out, trying to escape reality with my dreams and books. I avoid Him, He breaks in. He is determined to use me. God is charging over my walls. He won't let me go.

wondrous. now i'm not one for chick flicks. i'd like my own love story be as non-dramatic & little complicated as possible. if i even have one. still not positive on that, can't bear the thought of it ending nastily. but it is kind of amazing to realize i am on the receiving end of the most beautiful love story ever. one with freedom and breaking chains and rescue that leads to action & life abundant. one where the Hero is actually the whole focus & central character with no flaws and real genuine goodness. oh, and the damsel gets to join the fight to free more captives. heck. to the yes. come and get me, this child of Yours is laying down her weapons and waiting for You to break in all her walls.

I can feel you step away now
Subtle but these things I’ve grown to learn
It’s in the way you’re moving hearts around
But I’m climbing on top
Right over your barricade
Never gonna stop
There ain’t no keeping me away

Did you think I wouldn’t notice?
When you’re building walls outside yourself
When your words leave me defenseless
I'm climbing on top
Right over your barricade
Never gonna stop
There ain't no keeping me away

I’m in your blind spot now
Falling through your cloud
Reaching for you inside out
To bring you back around

Now I’m right back where I started
Here to give you the best of my love
Just when you think I’ll walk away now
I'm climbing on top
Right over your barricade
Never gonna stop
There ain't no keeping me away
There ain't no keeping me away

life is beautiful #304: rainstorms & songs that nail me & remembering i'm not alone

1 comment:

Abi said...

Woah, I'd never heard that lifehouse song. Going to listen right. now.