sometimes, people say i'm strong. ha. i'm not. really. it confuses me when my close friends say it, bc they see more of my frailty than anybody else!
now, when i was a little girl, i wanted to be "strong" so much. i had a faulty definition. i thought "strong" meant "unaffected", as if i were strong enough i wouldn't hurt or feel or be vulnerable. strong people were protectors & safe themselves. but my definition has since changed...drastically. that process spanned almost 15 years. short story version: i molded myself into my idea of "strong" only to find that i was actually killing my heart. i locked myself into a fortress that not only failed to protect me, but also held me prisoner in her own walls. much of this blog the past 3 yrs has been written from those varying places; as God shattered & remade me.
I define strength as the ability to let go, from trust not despair. it's refusing to believe God is anything but what He says He is--no matter how circumstances paint Him. its abandoning self-protection (though not wise judgments). strong people are faithful in the everyday, not whining about circumstances. they're humble & quietly secure. strength is honestly feeling without succumbing.
thats not me! i default to questioning God. i'm more insecure right now than i have ever been since high school. I can't remember my identity in Christ for 30 minutes! & tired. I can't imagine living another 25 years this exhausted.
but as i was recalling times i really sought God & He proved Himself I had a thought...i often think ppl have an elevated opinion of how "real" & "authentic" my walk with God is. bc they don't know why He had to be real. if they did they'd see how much deeper it should be.
in a similar vein, maybe folks mistake depth for strength. like calling Harry Potter perceptive when bc sees thestrals others can't. but he only sees them bc he's seen death, not bc he's wise. it's only that he's had experience earlier than most. maybe ppl just think I'm strong bc they don't recognize experience.
or maybe thats's why when folks call me strong, i feel like a hypocrite. unintentionally--I don't try to fake it. i try to be open about my struggles. I think of all my battles & want to say "if you only knew how often I lose..." if they had any idea how much of my life i spent terrified, running & doubting. how i learned real prayer in long dark sleepless nights at 16. how much shame & hurt & confusion I wrestled with far longer than i should have. how small the situations that wrecked me were. I compare my life to those who've endured real tragedy. I've only seen it from the sidelines, but i forget that some people haven't even had front row seats to real suffering. they haven't yet reached a point in their own lives when they literally had nothing left, actually gave up; & were surprised to find your body still wakes up. you keep living. without anything inside. been there before. feel like I came out only emotionally bc Jesus saved me...but the rest of me is like aahh life takes so much effort.
I'm exhausted. I'm weak & weary. "done" came and went, 20 months back. I'm beyond dry, I've been in a desert for so long I've lost count of how many times I thought a respite at an oasis was actually a change of scene. I can't take any more mirages of refreshment. I don't know how I am not a hysterical mess again. i know I've been drained & knocked down by things so small compared to what others have faced. & they keep running!! don't get me wrong God is SO FAITHFUL. He pours out grace! g emotionally, I'm stable. I'm empty but not depressed. too worn out spiritually, mentally, physically to have energy to feel. I cannot keep living is what I think, every few weeks. but I do. I'm not sure my body or mind fully recovered since that "done" season but I act like it bc what else can I do? I tell myself "this is real life. this is 25, God's prepping you for grown-up responsibility." but I think that's quitting. I'm tired
of hoping & lazy. I think I stopped listening & seeking.
it's freeing to admit I. am. drained. I cannot imagine not being exhausted. cannot imagine being whole-meaning feeling good & on my game mentally physically spiritually emotionally at once rather than a few or just one.
(I know it's good to be weak, i shouldn't complain, know all the verses about Gods strength & I believe them I just need a space to admit I need Divine Intervention on a deep level. & I'm asking for it.)