wild melody

 " my heart, is my keep; and you are threatening me...oh myyy you're the one, I've been holding out for; for so damn long..."  (empires// jukebox the ghost) oh Ukraine. i don't understand. i don't know what to think about you. logic cannot explain how i feel, or even what i think. i'm not sure what i truly think --haven't made time to *really* sort it out. i'm scared. why this crazy magnetic pull? even with your harsh abrasiveness, coldness, the vast depth of language/thought pattern barrier, the ways you make my strengths look disadvantageous & don't value some of the deepest things God created in me; i adore you. there are ways you hurt me. but it drives me to Jesus. oh you make me laugh! my lack of ability to cross those culture walls? at times frustrating as hell. but it drives me to honest self-assessment of what is truly good vs desired, what is biblical vs cultural. you're not easy to love, but i never have been either...

"long is the road that leads me home, longer still when I walk alone..." the flight from Kyiv all i think is how badly I want to be en route to Kharkiv. now that I'm in Amsterdam & there's no going back I suddenly have all the thoughts of home that I suppressed the last month flooding me at once. I'm a quarter of the way home...and all I want is to see hug tackle my family 20 minutes ago.  this is when I fiercly miss... EIGHTEEN (18)  HOUUURRRS!!!! 

sometimes, I battle regret. fiercely. usually I'm pretty confident in my decisions once they've been made. I've grown in receiving grace & walking away from my mistakes once I own them. I don't second-guess my actions much anymore, I don't reply conversations wishing I'd said differently. but today...aiy aiy.  today has been good. so beautiful this morning. answered prayer in quiet time with Abi's Hebrews recommendation. but so...painful. the sharp healing cut of God's Word. revealing. good hurt, like ripping off a bandaid to find the wound is healing but still stings.  this morning I had a revelation I wish I'd had the first week. so simple! so clear as I was praying. if I'd taken more time alone--truly alone, still--before God I would have seen it sooner. how could I be so blind?! how proud I have been. how grasping of good things that seemed pure. but I forgot in all my praying to submit. I forgot how to actually   release worry, fear, des...