5.20.2013

restless somethin' fierce


tom petty, some mat kearney... modern day drifter & something that wild on repeat. the only time i felt ok today was driving the truck with all windows down. wish i could write out the restlessness in my heart. it won't stop the ADHD of my soul, but maybe it'll ease, if i try.

ever since i was small, i'd get these fierce restless moods. i feel trapped. & i don't want to take it out on those i love so i tend to withdraw. i need to be alone, so i don't bite anybody's head off. cause i can't sit still & i can't do small talk & i can't keep my mind in the present. i forget to ask Jesus for self control & love. i'm try explain what i mean by restless: physical_spiritual_mental. i mean, i always have a bit of wildness in me. but feeling wild doesn't always involve restlessness. it's different. i want to be anywhere but where i am. i can't breathe deep. its not that i want to leave the people i love. it's not that i "need space" in my relationships. ((nothing irks me more than people forever thinking that's what i mean when i say i need or want space. not heart space-if i really love you-MOVING space ya'll! k rant over)) i just want to run. somethin' fierce i wanna run! like a mustang has to feel free kinda thing. i wanna see places i've never seen, i crave new experiences even if they're painful. its as if wanderlust, fear of cages or enclosed spaces & ADHD "little soldiers" all combine in every part of me. its as if my heart can't be still but doesn't know where to go. i feel contained by the earth, gravity. contained by buildings. the ocean soothes me & roughens it outta me. but i can't just pop off to swim any ole day! always includes a bit of feeling like i don't belong. i want to run or fly or dance or anything involving physical movement-as fast as i can. until i'm too tired; i don't want to be stopped by lack of space.

i thought i grew out of this, once. i went months without being restless. huge for me! i thought i was cured for good. foolish girl. i think partly, i wasn't restless bc i had deep peace from resting in Christ. the fullest i had yet. the resting IN CHRIST deepened. peace has ebbed n flowed but til the past few weeks was there. i had enough space in my relationship with Him, space not meaning distance but depth & vastness, that my soul was satisfied. i was honest to goodness in LOVE with Jesus more than i was with ANY other person or thing. how He use to dazzle me with His beauty! but. what i didn't know then, that summer 2011 (& maybe i'm wrong. hate to even admit this to myself, so embarrassing) was that part of my lack of restless was cause i was in love. & it was the first time i realized i could belong to somebody & not be trapped. bizarre. that was me? can't remember what that was really like, seems a lifetime ago. seems like somebody else's lifetime! 

so here i am. frustrated. its been weeks of this. i've been denying that i want to run and don't know where to run to...pretending i'm content & fine when i'm eaten up inside by restlessness. cause i hate that there was a time i wasn't restless & its connected to somebody i don't ever want to be connected to again. i hate that i can't change it, can't remove that part of my memory. feel like i'm slipping back into every part of the old me. which is dumb (God will not allow me to destroy His work)  but we've already established that i'm human ;) sometimes i doubt God even changed me, since then. the past year & a half--sometimes i think it was all in my head & i'm no better. but i can't really believe it, cause there are evidences of change in the core of my being that i can't deny. something drastically changed Feb 4, 2012. & somethings i know for certain. i walked so very close to God in those non-restless days, i could hear the whisper of his voice. damn i miss it! i think that is the deepest longing. i want to hear Him like that again. but i let myself think that was all for naught. bc i still get these wild restless days. what's the point? i just ache to run no matter how dumb i tell myself it is. i thought having a free heart would cure restlessness. being all God's, finally coming to a full white flag total surrender. don't you love how i decided the way things are? & i'm surprised when its not. young arrogance no?

well fine. i'm restless as hell & i'm sick of it. tired of fighting. i'll admit any and all i can find in my heart: God i'm not believing You're ENOUGH. i forget You're home. i forget to love, forget how deeply loved i am. sometimes this hits me for a day when i'm walking closely...but currently that's not the case. which is probably why i've been denying this & pretending i'm happy for weeks. i haven't been living in a real relationship with Jesus. if i am in Christ. isn't that where i belong? oh Jesus. thank you for never giving up on me. thank you for being more permannent than the ink on my skin that daily reminds me i can't renig on giving you my life for YOUR purposes. that whatever You do with me, i still will praise you. keep me? remind me how beautiful you are. oh my eyes are so dim with the cares & wonders of this world! wake me up. i want to be satisified in You. i want to believe you are more wild than i am, bigger & stronger & not safe but the safest place for my heart. You are oh so steady, oh so loving, oh so  vast. help my unbelief. forgive my wandering roaming soul.

1 comment:

Abi said...

Maybe I'm totally off, but I think God made you a wanderer, restlessness is part of what you're made of. But I'm praying you're able to rest fully in Him!