God answers prayer.
He's going to lead me, take me deeper than my feet can wander. He's teaching me to walk on waters that threaten to drown me. I may flounder but I will never sink. (ps 37.23-24)
this, the sickness of disappointment, is where my trust is made borderless. adventuresome fears are easier to trust God in, easier to leap into. fears of being left behind or unusable are much tougher. the places i think will create a trust without borders, are not really stretching, refining places. in those seas I could sail by my own power; or my faith would crack & fail because I think more highly of my strength than I ought.
but here? here in the mundane, in the seemingly insignificant, in the temptation of "every time I'm *actually* most excited about something I lose it" place? this is where my faith loses some of its boundaries. this where God smudges the sharp edges of the boxes I use to contain Him. here my faith learns to separate expecting good things via a good God || from specific expectations.
here I am shown that my heart wants God's plan to be about me. but it's not. that irks me at times. i want my life to look a certain way. i want specific paths & doors, I think I know myself best. (I don't) i want others' lives to fit neatly into my own--or. i want some others lives to stop intersecting with mine despite all the times I sever ties... i am not the center. I'm a tool, a vessel; a beloved servant. (dulous) I can be certain that God will redeem & work even when He chooses not to use me. I KNOW He loves me deeper than my soul can know.
if I truly love Him? my disappointment can be tempered by the knowledge that its another opportunity to humble myself. Christ did!! even to DEATH on a CROSS. (phil 2) surely, that was not His first happy choice. this is a chance to learn willing obedience. to imitate Jesus' example. to cling to believing that Love Itself is ordering my every step. He will only send or keep me where I am safe in HIS safety.
He's ordering the steps of those I love. to tell the best story of all time! If I TRULY love them, I won't assume I know the best chapters for thier lives. I'll trust God to do what He does best. I'll trust His love is greater than my own, even when things hurt those I love. I'll be free to rejoice with them too! with no thought of myself.
it doesn't stop the ache. all this thinking-puking-seeking God's perspective-when-I-want-to-scream. but. it eases the sting of disgusting self-revelation. keeps me from condemnation. from trying to fix or change myself. I've seen a side of me that craves adventure challenge new & exciting over loving selfless faithful service. both to my God and the weak. ugly? yep. permanent? doesn't have to be! & I do NOTHING to change it except open my hands.
I'm so grateful God lets us be human. He doesn't expect me to shut up my heart. He expects me to remember Him in midst of feeling. just asks me to bring it all to Him, look at His example, repent where I am selfish selfish selfish, & move on__ in His restorative heart-changing forgiveness. sweet grace.
I'm going to be better than ok. I'm going to have joy & delight. life is beautiful. ((but i am not there yet))