fuzzy static.
there's a radio connection between my heart & the Spirit. the sounds of a station one click to the left, almost clear. bit the words are garbled.
i keep it fuzzy. do I really want to tune in? or not. it might make me change my current course of action. it's probably going to piss off one person in particular, & I really don't want any flak. but I'm the shittiest liar/faker on the planet so I'm already being a fun-killer bc of my internal indecisions. the tension is obvious.
//I fear man more than God.//
I could hear it, loud and clear.
Wouldn't even have to move or leave the people around me.
it would be so simple.
one click. "alright Lord, what are you saying? I'm listening..." but I don't.
//i care more about approval & fitting in then I do about communication w my God//
mmm, but. excuses flood my mind. but I'm really sick if being "that" girl. I'm always alone in these things. why me? if You reeeaally felt this way You could tell somebody else. they love you too. I want to not care. I want to be mainstream.
flip the switch.
the static dies. no fuzz. I shut off the radio. disconnect. part of my heart hardens & shuts off with it. but I don't really care. I've deliberately chosen my way.
so if I'm gonna join em. I'm going in hard. I'm not going to keep one iota of reason or biblical anything in mind. no thank you...I'll be the independent version of me.
it'll be way less awkward. (i think) yet I've cut myself off from the source of peace & joy. killed my ability to love those around me.

//in valuing my perception of what others would say do or think over God's opinion. I also choose myself over the very people I am worshipping//

sure God uses even these moments. God can redeem. my selfishness & idolatry didn't thwart His plan. I don't "feel" bad. I'm not very repentant if we base genuine repentance by emotion. I don't know that I committed any sort of sin.
I am regretful. not bc of the semi-painful awkward outcome. i doubt my listening would have led to any vocalizing my thoughts. it would only have changed my part not the story. but i wish i hadn't taken the easy road. next time it will be harder to tune in. i remember many times in that exact same house when there was no static, the dial was always tuned right. I miss that. I have ignored the One who died so we could communicate. the one who loves me truly. who suffered the wrath I earned. who's to say if God would have used my obedience? wasted opportunity.

I'm done. this girl wants to love Jesus first & pursue Him foremost. i want back to walking by the Spirit. I don't care what I lose. I don't care if I'm that girl forever. I don't care if that makes me be alone or single or despised or mocked behind my back or judged. I don't care if ppl tell me in private they support me but never seem to in public. I need to love Christ MOST. i need Him. He is of infinite greater worth! His friendship is more valuable.

oh God help. I have wandered so far. rescue me from my sickening apathy! work amid our ignorance. heal my heart of its foolish filthy lack of fear for You.


David C Brown said...

Blessed are all who have their trust in Him, Psalm 2: 12.

Abi said...

Praying for you, love. That we both throw off all that hinders, the sin that so easily entangles, and RUN with eyes fixed on Jesus.