2.18.2013

green eyed soldier

hey you,
yeah, you with the clear green eyes, crazy hair, and scarred hands that can't take off that ring even though it holds no meaning and i swear it burns you just sitting there.

i know you don't get why i keep denying you. i don't get why you keep trying? i mean, i guess i know but i don't want to admit it? that this magnetic draw might be a mutual thing. it's never happened to me before. the room went electric when you walked into it and looked straight at me, like you expected me to be sitting in the back left corner. is that part of my "i just lost my mind for a bit and it still plays sensory tricks on me sometimes" or is that what attraction always feels like to other people? i'm the wrong girl to answer that one...dear lord, here i am 24 and you're the first man on gods green earth to make me feel things outside my ability to shut off. this goes against all of me.
like that doesn't make it hard enough to work with you. then you gotta go & switch from casual friend to dropping these smooth-player-pickup-lines with no warning. why do you do it? i mean cmon they are so over the freaking top--i'm not an idiot. you're very into sexiness & girls who play up their sensuality & flirt well; i'm very into star wars tshirts & wearing my cowboy boots to every test & blunt honesty. you can't be physically attracted to me.
the whole room responds to you, but instead you only try with me. i don't believe you and you know it. have i become this challenge because i'm the only one you can't get? it would be so easy for us to get along if you could just be normal. the whole opposite-life-values thing is a good foundation for friends who challenge each other's viewpoints. but a horrid foundation for lovers.
here we are, two baby adults, deeply cynical; surrounded by wide-eyed 17,18,19 year olds while we start over our life paths at a local community college. maybe that's the problem. it's easy to talk about real things. but then you'll try to make it sexual and i have to shut you down faster than cops at the west oaks mall on a friday night and leave. or mid-sentence in a science debate you switch gears and ask me to grab dinner or come over to work on a project, and your eyes are a dead give away. turns out there's a huge downside to green eyes. they lighten and darken, (storm if you're talking about your wars) with your mood. i read you much better than i let on. do you know i can tell when you're lying & when you're sincere? it's pretty easy. you lie more than anything. except when you talk about your ex-wife, your kids, ask me out for the 546 time, or talk about your buddies, about iraq & afghanistan & all the things you've seen. do you know how hard it is to listen? to be unable to do anything but act like i believe the bravado. play along with your bluffing when you start straight bleeding in front of me. do you know i can see it? or do you think your cavalier attitude is as thick as your carolina draw? you do realize that's the only reason i let you get away with so much. sometimes i think it's intentional. that you're trying to emotionally manipulate me. see, we're both pretty scarred & beat up. but you're hemorrhaging and i'm duct taping myself into pretend whole. neither of us are in a place we can help the other.

i'm sorry. not to mention, yeah i know i told you i just went through a break-up (def thought that would make you think rebound and run?) but i wasn't in love with him. i loved him as my friend, but that's what i miss. the friend i'd had since middle school. my heart was shattered by different things. and you, well you've just had your heart wrecked by a woman you loved enough to have children with. how can i help you heal from a loss i can't even understand? & the ptsd from all you've seen...i don't even know where to begin helping you through that.

but i do know we can't keep doing this, this tension & balance and pretending we don't both feel like magnets. one of us is going to lose it. so. once this class is over, we're going our separate ways. i'm deleting your number and you're going to stop texting me. because you can't take no for an answer, and i can't hold out forever. i really want to be your hero; but that's not how recovery works. it can't be found in me. you've got to find it in yourself.

but i won't forget you. and god i hope i run into you someday far in the future, to see you doing well with a smile that reaches your eyes & a light from inside.

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