2.24.2013

casting cares, like fishing line. waiting for peace to bite the hook


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:6-7)

alright Lord. here i am. i want to believe this verse. i'm anxious about everything. i'm weighed down. i'm discouraged. i'm weak, incapable, inadequate. i feel like i'm failing every area of my life. so i bring this to bear like a sword to the doubt & fear & worry in my heart. You love to be reminded of Your promises? well then. You have promised to provide peace when I bring you my cares with prayer & thanksgiving. i can't do that on my own. my flesh is too weak. my doubting logical mind whispers it will lead to failure. how can you bring these things to God and let them go? how will you improve or fix them? you have to keep thinking about them! mm NO. lets be honest, mind. i can't fix them whether i focus or not. my best efforts have failed. i am helpless. i NEED Jesus.

so.

grateful. how can i bring honest thanksgiving in the areas i am anxious?
*thank you that You provided money for school. thank You for getting me A's last semester. thank you my brain functions normally, i can write read understand (somewhat). 
*thank you for my family, they are such a treasure. how much joy, richness, love & support they infuse into my life!
*thank you for my body, that it takes the wear & tear of my insane fast life decently. thank you i can see hear smell taste walk eat run jump sing dance stretch pump iron & breathe. 
*thank you for church, for the relationships it's given me. for the little tinies that don't know i am not worthy of their adoration. 
*thank you for sending me to Ukraine. thank you for the chance to learn russian & go again. thank you for abi & taylor's patience with me. thank you that every once in a while something clicks.

anxious.

God, i'm overwhelmed. so discouraged that my best efforts aren't good enough. i don't really know how to study harder. i don't know how to memorize. i don't understand how i can find it fascinating and love a subject & its the one I'm barely keeping a 90 in. i know i'm not defined by my grades. but grades i get now will determine where i am in the future. i'm putting this in Your hands. You've planned if & which nursing school i get into. You can bring things to mind, the Holy Spirit can aid me in intellectual ways. You can help me work harder. be smarter. if not, then its not Your best plan for me. failing in school doesn't equal failing in life. or Your will. i don't need a back up plan. i'm not going to make one. 

oh Lord. heal my family? some of us need serious rescuing. thank you for never giving up. thank you for the smallest of victories. thank you for the battles won we don't even see. i don't know Your plan here. i don't know what you want. i don't know how to glorify You and quite frankly i gave up trying to understand anything about this  a long time ago when i decided to just believe You were GOOD & FAITHFUL no. matter. what. keep me there? help us trust You? help us love you? resurrect us to fruitfulness again.


i know i destroy myself. i don't take care of my body, i don't hydrate or rest it enough. teach me? when to push through vs. when to rest. help me say no. help me surrender. late nights are part of this crazy schedule, and most of it is outside my control. help me make wise choices & listen to my body where i can control my schedule. show me how to balance unselfishness and heroics. i can't serve everyone.


um Lord i need filling. i need the Spirit's presence & worship & encouraging teaching...church is not feeding me. not refreshing. sundays drain me. i love the people but please provide a way for me to have a solid month off? idk what that looks like. idk how to say no, if i should just pull out? thank you for always providing joy & love when i ask for it!! You are faithful. You love your church, I want to love it but right now I'm too exhausted. help me get refreshment. thank you for the handful of people in my life who speak biblical truth to me, who bring You into conversation. You are providing spiritual nourishment through them. 


Be with the dear Ukrainians. Protect them, fill them, lead them. Prepare the children's hearts now, go before us and begin to shatter the darkness. let us bring sparks of hope that light the tinder of their hearts. Fight for the children we've loved on in past camps. oh God, don't abandon them. they need you--who else can truly save the weakest abused children? for Ura, for Vanya, for Karina, for Volva, for Natasha, for Anna, for Sasha, Misha, Svete, David, Yulia, Karas, Ivan, speechless girl, my malinki boys...You hold them. You see them. break forth in power? water the seeds, let Your light shine in their hearts. make them a mighty force to revive Ukraine from the inside out--spread their witness to the darkest, spiritually dead, hopeless countries surrounding them. break the chains of abuse, trafficking, silence that weighs down the people of Ukraine. 

help me understand ruski? God i struggle most linguistically, as You know. it feels pointless, it feels futile, it feels the only thing i can cut out. but its such a tool i know i will need this summer. give me understanding.

i let go. give up. here, take: all of me. all of my failures. my Cs. the silliest doubts & the heavy deepest ones. my fears, the pain of others i carry. the temptation to worry over my future, the scariness of having nothing to fall back on. the pendulum heart i have that swings from delighted excitement to trepidation at the unknown before me. the anguish my heart feels at the darkest depression that seems to have talons un-extractable in people in love.


You are all wise. all good. all knowing. all just. perfect, Holy, sovereign. You can do what i cannot. which is everything. i don't have to strive. i can rest, rest in who You are. 

1 comment:

Russet Gown said...

"the pendulum heart i have that swings from delighted excitement to trepidation at the unknown before me."

So good. I pray God gives you peace.