1.10.2013

so very much inside

where oh where to begin.
i apologize in advance for the condensed rambling about to spew forth.
i've wanted to write about 2012 and this song for months, actually. long before the new year. differing threads of connected thought have been tangling and aligning themselves in my head but i've had no time to write them.
and i still don't. so in betwixt fixing mistakes already made in the first week of class (screw technology why can't i just use pencil & paper like the old days?!) i'm throwing a little mess here so i don't drown. usually i run out of words but these days, with no time to write and not truly conversing with anyone i have more thoughts-words in my head/heart than i am used too.

i've also been a little bit... hesitant. vulnerability has not been my thing as of late.
i've been reverting back to let's-protect-ourself-and-life-is-a.ok-but-not-amazing-as-it-could-be. its hard to see beauty when Christ is not center. there is beauty still there but He is the source, so beauty for just aesthetic reasons, beauty for its own sake is not lasting. certainly not life-giving. it may bring a smile but it doesn't bring a heart-song.

this is where i have been. not at all depressed. not sad. happy--but not joyous. ok--but not content. just [here] existing in space. no excitement no passion no depth no feeling. 

that's going to change. in the same way the air crackles before a thunderstorm, there's a crackling in my heart. i can smell rain on its way. oh Father drench me in grace & faith & consuming passion for You anew?

jan 2012. well i certainly would NEVER have pictured myself here. i thought i'd be having a rough time, possibly; jan of 2013. or i thought maybe i'd be in a mind-blowing new season or off in a foreign country. or i thought perhaps i'd be the same with no major changes. i'm not either of those things. i'm just here. drastically changed but quite static at the moment.
i certainly *never* thought i'd be looking back, missing the wild abandonment that comes from having (literally) nothing left to lose. i don't care to repeat shatterings but i miss the reward.

ugh how terribly vague and silly this all sounds. i do intend to make proper use of my words one day. i feel i can write specifically about the whole thing now without fear of judgement. not because people will think any differently than they would have then. but because i know where my heart is and I know where my God is bringing me (well the rough outlines of course not the colours in between) so i don't really care what is judged or thought about me.

so this song. tear down the house. how i relate. how it is my year of dismantling myself & falling apart and then rebuilding only to have to face heartbreak that i hadn't processed because i was too busy trying to live. i know i'm not making sense. this doesn't fit without bridges. i don't have time for bridges but suffice to say. there is a house of doubt & unbelief & fear & peeling paint with a cracked heart that has been torn apart. and will not be rebuilt. and the ghosts may float n linger. unbelief may still be mingled in my faith...but. never ever again will it be my dwelling place.
Tear down the house

That I grew up in
I'll never be the same again
Take everything that I've collected
And throw it in a pile

Bulldoze the woods 
That I ran through
Carry the pictures of me and you
I have no memory of who I once was
And I don't remember your name

Park the old car
That I love the best
inspections due and it won't pass the test
It's funny how I have to put it to rest
And how one day… 
I will join it

I remember crying over you
And I don't mean like a couple of tears
And then I'm blue
I'm talkin' about collapsing
And screaming at the moon
But I'm a better man
For having gone through it
Yes, I'm a better man
For having gone through…

Ever since I learned how to curse
I've been using those sorry old words
But, I'm talkin' to these children
And I'm keeping it clean
I don't need those words
To say what I mean
No, I don't need those words
To say what I mean
by the avetts.

and yeah i just scribbled this all in about 15 min with no proof read. a terribly wretched mess.


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