1.18.2013

i'm sitting here trying to write to a few of my Ukraine orphans...miracle of miracles, one is being adopted!!! he was especially on my heart last year, one that i'll admit i maybe cried a lil harder on the plane about leaving. God hears prayers. He may seem to rescue on such a smaller scale than we ask for, but He DOES rescue and He DOES see and hear the suffering, the weak, the small. He has plans for all of the oppressed. who am i to question what He does with His people on His earth? especially as i know how very good, very holy and ever so much more powerful He is.

anyway.

its harder to write than i thought it was. what do i say? that i pray for you still, that your pictures hang from ribbons in the corner of my room so i will not forget? that my heart aches to free you, how can i say that?! how can i speak of light, hope, love; when their circumstances are entrenched in darkness, soaked in seeming hopelessness and full of abuse?

hello world that i wanted to change,
i am very small and you are very large. what good can a white girl of 24 really do? there is a "god of this age", the devil is alive and real. hard to believe at times to my western logical mind. but it's true. why he is allowed to roam so (seeming) free i do not comprehend. i know appearances are liars. but oh how weak are my eyes. how fragile is my faith. how very prone to cracking is this heart. how very quickly the abounding love God fills it with pours out & seeps away wasted, getting caught on the jagged edges of my doubts my selfishness my fears. it all seems too much. "all" meaning the evils many americans can shut their eyes too or look away from or forget exist. i used to do this so well. we live in a fantasy land compared with much of the world. our reality is like living in a pinterest world; how often we forget to see beyond. my life is not touched by the cruelty of cold harsh evil. but i can't forget what i have seen. there is so much, it's overwhelming.
"all" is human trafficking and toddlers sold into sex slavery. "all" is wealthy politicians, doctors, successful 'decent' men who abuse the innocent in other countries. "all" is the mafia that seems to influence culture more than the church. "all" is the version of feminism that tells us women to take back sex as a power tool without telling us the great cost to our hearts & souls. "all" is a society where the men who objectify women are tolerated, encouraged; but gentlemen with honest-to-goodness decent masculinity are chewed out for chauvinism. "all" includes everything from childhood bullying to childhood murder.
but.
the god of this age is NOT in control. the enemy is not as strong as he appears. i have read the end of the story. he loses, and the Lamb comes riding in just in time to save with white horse, sharp sword & blazing eyes.my God is greater. He is stronger. He is the God of angel armies. He sees all--and He knew these things would happen before I ever had an inkling. He created the innocent and the wicked. Before His throne there are victims & perpetrators; but there are none wholly innocent. that is hard to swallow... but none of us are perfectly holy. None of us deserve everlasting life. And He is so gracious, so loving, yet so unwilling to compromise His justice that He PAID the price of salvation. He does not just hand out innocence--He suffered the cost of created it for us. He offers pardon, He cleanses, He restores, He saves. He will bring forth justice in due time. He is not willing any should perish--how much more merciful is He than i would be! it feels as if i cannot say these words to children who have experienced more hell in their shorter lives than i can even fathom. but it's truth. God loves these children. far more than i. His heart breaks for them when mine is empty, numb & not caring. when my heart does beat, when it aches for the empathy of their own heartbreak--His heart breaks still more.

so yes. i am small. i am frail, i am inadequate, easily overwhelmed, scared. i am not enough.
but i am not alone. i am upheld, i am filled, my weakness is an opening for the strength of Christ to expand within. i am not taking myself to the broken. i do not just give positive thought patterns that can be worn down in the face of stark reality. nor beautiful things that will fade nor new things that can be stolen. i bring Christ. I bring hope, light, everlasting joy. He gives peace that may not end chaos (yet) but peace that exists amidst chaos. i am a vessel for the Everlasting Most Beautiful Warrior King. I can offer Jesus. He brings life everlasting. He brings a promise of a forever that is clean and devoid of all evil-hurt-darkness.
that. is how i take you on world.

God only allows Satan to accomplish the very opposite of what he wants to accomplish.He only gives Satan enough rope to hang himself…God hates evil.He’s against it.He didn’t create a world in which evil existed. But He permits it.Why?He permits Satan only to bring evil into Job’s life in such a way, in such an amount, that actually completely defeats Satan’s real intention.Satan is only allowed by God to actually defeat himself and achieve the very opposite of what he wanted.…He permits evil and suffering to come into your life only to the degree that it defeats the actual intention of Satan for you.Only to the degree that it makes you a [more like Christ].Only to the degree that it actually defeats itself.”
(Keller)

ps. i share this video because i know what it is to look into the eyes of children who feel like God does not give a fig about them, who ask questions that are raw & deep, and make me speechless. i know the truth can heal. i know we should believe where we do not see. but i also know there are times when truth comes out like a sledgehammer and grace would extend more gently in the form of a listening, a hug, & a silent prayer.


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