1.20.2013

feb 3 2012

that night, 2.3.12 I will never forget. it was full of ordinary things, the typical weekend night of an american female 20-something. 3 girls met up at Starbucks. took pictures. went to a civil wars concert. sat in the car for hours after; talking about Jesus n life & how those two meet & intertwine.

but for me, it wasn't ordinary.
ordinary at that time was panic attacks. fear, doubting my sanity, doubting my interpretation of scripture, doubting God's promises by wondering if His best for me involved me losing my mind.
that night I felt...not stable. but at least able to fake it. I saw, for the first time potential that I might return to life before January. me & ok was real. in the future.

I laughed out loud that night. damn i have great friends! it startled me. I was shocked i could laugh & yet. also shocked to realize I couldn't remember the last time I'd truthfully laughed out loud...Christmas? surely I laughed that day.

it was one of the first nights in months that I breathed in light. the darkness & heaviness & mental anguish took a backseat. it was hard to smile, but at least i could fight for joy! those 2 made smiles came more naturally. God seemed more caring. seasons seemed just that-temporary.

Zach Williams & the Bellow opened. they were a little band from Brooklyn with a lead singer who hadn't been warned not to admit he didn't know what he was doing except for the music part. they loved music. they sang & played with heart. they were funny & real & adorable & I loved them.

the civil wars were breathtaking. talented musicians. they sparkled & illuminated the stage with personality. beautiful voices combined with wit & humor...songs that were poetry, crafted lyrically as well as melodically. they seemed like friends playing together in a living room somewhere.

Abi and Beks had a convo about the Savior afterward that I merely observed. I don't remember many specifics. but I remember grace & beautiful reality of the faithfulness of God washing over me. wave after wave. as the words themselves caused sane, clean, peace to spill over on me w every paragraph.
I slept, that night.

funny the way God used ordinary moments to sustain us in the darkest of bleeding pain soaked times.
I couldn't be more grateful for that night, those girls, my faithful amazing Christ. and oh how wonderful it is to be far from that time...

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