6.07.2012

needing (space) (room)

good to know. thank you john bunyan. because i am often empty of words with a heart too full or hurting or confused or heavy or content to know how to pray. *end of context*
not sure in what kind of a place i am.

what i've really been craving--and yes, i mean literally CRAVING, as in a desire i want (and think i need) to fulfill ASAP--is wyoming. ha. ha. ha. but truly. i crave the ___space___.
i want rolling hills as far as my eyes can see. i miss the expansiveness of sky + earth with NO [boundaries.] smelling of hay, sun, horse. the wind that never stops playing with the grass...always movement. rooooom to breathe, room to dance; knowing i can run or dance or leap for as long as my body can without running into walls or confiningness. feeling like i can breathe easier and deeper because there's more air...i know that's not true but it so .feels. that way out there. it's as if i can be more free where there is expanse enough to absorb all of me. (hence my love affair with the ocean which i desperately need and will see soon)
i'm feeling suffocated. trapped. confined. like i have to get out.
but wyoming is not possible right now. financially or time-a-ly*. (*meaning timewise-there has to be a word for the commodity of time like that of money but my vocab isn't brilliant enough to know it)
sigh.

i won't suffocate. i won't. it seems silly. but i truly do think i will at times. (prob the whole thyroid/hormones thing i've got whacked out lol)

but somehow, if Jesus is enough for me. IF that is true. THEN also...He must be enough space as well. He can satisfy this craving. He can be my breathing room, He can be my peace, He is faaaaarrr big enough to hold all of me. He can be my freedom, if I would rest in Him. instead i've been living: "i have filled this void with things unreal/and all the while my character it steals/darkness is a harsh term don't you think? and yet it dominates the things i see(k)" done. def ready to receive grace. ready to run home. ready to see Him as more beautiful than the world's pleasures (that really are fun, momentarily, lets not lie) more beautiful than friends' approval, more beautiful then being "normal". HE IS. Oh Lord, empty me of all i've been consuming to not have the uncomfortableness of being empty. Remind me that You were emptying me to fill me, You were deconstructing to rebuild, You were erasing parts of me to re-write them with better colours.
I. am
NOT
(my) *own*
i am
BOUGHT
(with a)
price {costly priceless blood of Jesus
*owned*
by -infinite-
 love wisdom mercy grace.

God knows.
and guess what.
His power to keep me, His faithfulness to pursue is far beyond my ability and desire to run.
.(hallujulah).

**idk how that happens, i think i've nothing to say, then i start writing the first thoughts suddenly theres a million words and i'm a lil surprised at where they took me....

4 comments:

Bonni said...

"In prayer it is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart."

That's timely! As we have just moved and now I am taking the train to work (rather than driving), I have a lot of "free" time that I've decided to use in prayer, meditation, and Bible reading. But I so often sit there with a blank mind, just staring out the window and being in God's presence without a thought and without a word. I've wondered if this is laziness on my part ... but reading Ecclesiastes a few times this week is encouraging me that God's will for me is to approach life with thanks and enjoyment. And often that's going to include simply staring out the window, cognizant of Him.

Anyway... Yes, I did read beyond your opening quote! That's just what struck me off the bat.

You are a dear woman, friend.

Abi said...

Amen [^^^]

damaris said...

bonni.
you're amazing. love it, yes and amen! you're a dear friend as well...i mean hey, to remember my birthday when i'm not on facebook? takes skill! ;)

say hi to gerry for me, por favor?

damaris said...

abs: dittos. knew you would get this post...