sometimes i've too much swirling in me to sleep, n i start writing; but its always when i'm already drunk from exhaustion...this is the result

there is an awful lot of beauty in life. there is grace in ick days.
even on one of those days where you suddenly realize with startling clarity that you still want things you thought you didn't want anymore.
mhm. yeah. cue mental: wait. what?! blank stark clarity. iiiiiick.
cue madness...sometimes my mind and my heart are two separate entities. they go at it like its the superbowl. your mind gets angry at your heart and all tangled up in trying to logicallize* heart things and convince you how stupid those emotions are, how pathetic to want what you can't have; especially if you really believe psalm 84:11. the heart is trying to say something about "whoa hold on a minute babe, i didn't say this was reality, i just said..." but oh no, the mind is spastic in blind fear of what it can't understand. its to proud trying to control to even know the heart has words. and goes off on fake God-centeredness. trying to reason that believing in a good sovereign God whom the entire universe revolves around, believing He has amazing plans you can't see, believing that it's not about you anyway; is going to be a magic wand to stop you from feeling. trying to come up with legitimate convincing reasons you don't have any voids and you really don't want that, we've been through this....

pre-march. this would have been a very. long. day. with an awful lot of the above. ridiculous amount of constructed arguments all designed to talk myself out of honest feeling. out of discomfort.
out of admitting my frailty. out of admitting that i am not the stone i would like to be, that the mask of nothing-touches-my-heart is a lie. only it's after march. it's may. i don't pretend to be stone, i'm not stone, and i never ever want to go back to a cold half-dying numbed heart again.
 i don't wear that mask anymore. in fact, the skin underneath is still smarting from the ripping & tearing; but its healing & it feels beautifully alive.

hooray hooray hooray. enter Jesus' grace. enter seeing that i am being slowly set free from the slavery of over-thinking, the functional god of logic and needing to be safe. i am safe. always. i got Jesus! boom.
aaaand the heart gets its' words in: "hey you. arrogant bastard up there? where you been? um. kinda blowin this way outta proportion eh? i mean...it's just emotion. just natural human heartbeat. i'm alive, i'm breathing, and i'm not really under your control. i'm gonna bleed. i'm not always going to be rational. and yeah, sometimes, i'm going to want things i shouldn't. but. i've already cast that on God. He's got a way better track record with change than you do. so. take a hike. i'm in God's hands, its k. i know reality. i see my anchor. we're good. chill. aren't you supposed to be the calm one anyway?"

such. peace. relief in knowing,
God's. got. my heart. i don't have to run from uncomfortable. don't have to run from pain, don't have to be afraid of being wrong and screwing myself over.

cause i stand on the rock of God's character. i'm looking at Him! can't really screw my life up if He's my focus. His plan is to change n grow me. which means sometimes, teaching me endurance. teaching me to wait for heart change. means giving me many days of thinking i'm free, maybe i even am; but then occasionally bringing me back to the mountain and putting a knife in my hand and saying "alright, there's isaac, bound on the alter, but will you lift the knife?"

i will. every time it's a little faster, a little easier. not because i am so good or strong or brave or in love with Jesus. ha. ha. i'm not.
but. He is good. stronger than anything in me, stronger than all my wrong kind of strength. He is bravery n gives courage. He is loving, n steals my heart to love Him.
kinda fantastic. wow. i guess this whole dying and becoming new is actually legit!! kinda love it. no seriously?! i can just say "hey God. thanks for the several weeks of greatness but um that void is back, and my hearts a little achy; i'm helpless. so. what are You up to? i know it's good, i know its to further the gospel somehow n glorify Your name while doing good in and for me...make me want you MOST, give me desires that match Your will. i'll be trucking on, fighting to keep my eyes on you n not think till you met me here, ok?" and He meets me. sometimes in minutes, sometimes days. rest is oh so lovely a place to live.

*logicallize, v. trying to take illogical, free, out of the box things and cram them into logical order so as to have some semblance of control to avoid any discomfort.

1 comment:

Abi said...

mmm. God does indeed hold our messy, needy little hearts, doesn't He, and with such gentle and kind hands. Thanks for reminding me to cast myself on Him at every moment.