no going back.

every mission trip

i was pushed out of my comfort zone on a sunny monday last april. i was stretched, hurt, blessed insanely, grown in a beautiful non-comfortable season. it ended on a cloudy sunday in december, and i thought i'd return to "life as usual, pre-april".
ha. nope.
enter january. enter panic attacks, crying every.single.freaking.day uncontrollably, what the hell is happening to me. enter confusion, people loving& caring for me; waiting to see what's going on with my body & hoping (mostly believing) i'm not crazy. enter knowing God's major at work, but being unable to see how. in fact knowing i'm not sposed to.
that is not exactly stepping out in faith, i know. it's happening to me whether i like it or not.
but its not a comfort zone.
it's destroying my comfort zone so i am forced to jump.

somehow, i know, there is no going back to pre-april normalcy. God has a plan with whatever is going on in me physically. there's a deeper something. when i am healed or fixed and a little better able to function like a normal human being...
i am not going back.
God has plans, and i know. after this, it's going to be time to move. to step out. I have NO idea how, where, what. A big step, a little step. drastic life change forsaking all i know now. life change in a little way. all I do know? it's going to be blind. it's going to take faith and trust i don't have. its not going to be me figuring anything out, or knowing, or planning.
i'm scared. freaking terrified. but that's ok. i'm not there yet. i take one day at a time. no literally. i dont know what i'm going to feel/do/think one hour to the next. i just sing & try to thank God for good times of resting in His love, and the more often times of singing to keep the panic & despair from seeping into my heart.
so yea. this blog post made me cry yesterday:

at least these parts:

When God moves us out of our comfort zone —- into places that are way bigger than us, places that are difficult, hard, painful —- that even hurt — this is a gift.

We are being given a gift.

These hard places give us the gift of intimately knowing God — in ways that would never be possible in our comfort zones.”

“How did I end up here?” Sometimes you can’t control whether you get to stay in your comfort zone or not.

When God moves us out of our comfort zone…

When God

We’re in Christ’s zone when we’re out of our comfort zone.

And the Holy Spirit, our Comforter, comforts us when we step outside our comfort zone. It’s only in the uncomfortable places that we can experience the tenderness of the Comforter.


We’re in step with the Holy Spirit when we step out into hard things.

Faith gets out of the boat.

And walking in the Spirit means stepping out to walk the waves and feeling the comfort of His grip.

Isn’t this gift?

Sunday, the pastor preaching to take that step, I look across the sanctuary.

Can you really say that to the girl who doesn’t wear her engagement ring anymore, to the beautiful mother whose husband left and the cancer has come, to the bent widow sitting next to the empty chair? Can you really say that to them, to the world?

That the greatest gift we can ever receive is the gift of losing our earthly security and comfort? So that we can unwrap the intimacy of the Savior and His Heavenly Comfort."

1 comment:

Abi said...

ouch. I absolutely do not look at my suffering that way. theoretically, but not actually. God has much work to do. Thank you for sharing this!