12.10.2011

praying out loud.

Hi Father,
thank you for revealing frailty in me. on a level i have never allowed you to touch. thank you for crushing me, to reveal a fragrance i did not know You had built in me. thank you for emotional vulnerability. Lord i hate that concept. the very words make me tense, but you are changing that. ha, ha-as i am powerless to control these feelings, powerless to stop them. i could suck it up and pretend. thank you that You don't want me to! Thank you that You understand and have created me in Your image. YOU have emotions Lord, therefore i must. You are not frail in Yours-but i am human. i am tempted to despise myself, to harden my heart, to fake it. i'm tempted to pretend it is godly self-control to lock this empty ache inside, to not allow tears when i feel ripping pain deeper than any i have experienced. to act as if the void in my chest isn't pressing against my sternum some days with such force i'm surprised it hasn't cracked. Lord you are showing me you don't want self control. you want me. all of me. you want venerability. you want me to feel. to stay soft. to be weak. to admit i have pain, and be biblical. to be like david, who knew that God's truths do not always stop the pain or take it away, but give a reason to live through it. to rejoice in truth when you don't see it!

i can be human, and not sin. i am learning that my attempts to fortify my heart and deny pain in the name of "joy" and "self control" is running. is an attempt to morphine myself out of this place where i feel pathetic. those are sins! of pride, control, distrusting you and watching my own back. allowing myself to feel, is humility. allowing myself to break, is trusting You. NOT attempting to put myself back together, fix it or stop the breaking, is admitting my utter dependence on You. trust. is love. loving you in a new way that makes noo sense to me...how You could view this as good is beyond me. How you could love a wreck, is amazing. How it is that I am more wrecked then i have been, but i don't feel the old woundedness. How i could be so hurt by you when i thought i was prepared is revealing.

but somehow, i KNOW. i know i am where you want me most when i am sobbing on my knees and giving you the pain, asking you to take the missingness; and believing You've got an astounding dawn with lots of colour just waiting for me to fly to someday. when we are through this. How is it, that in pain, for the first time since i was 16, i am beginning to feel whole? we are going to be tighter than ever as a result of this. what a strange gift.
be still my soul, and see what a loving generous Father is yours!!

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