10.22.2011

[those walls were up for a reason]

without walls.
i don't do so well.
because armor and walls and fierce independence? they've held me together for so long. it's a strange mix of intentional and subconscious.
my walls are legit. they're the glue that keeps me together. my armor is a masquerade. it's the mask that hides the broken girl that CAN'T keep herself afloat. that girl knows Jesus is all that keeps her passion for life alive. He is the only brightness keeping life beautiful. independence is the charade that forces me to be okay. if others need you to be, you are. done. simple as that. on the surface. (but not really...)
partly happened without me even knowing. the other part? the other part arose from not knowing what to do with pain. a reaction of not wanting to feel. not wanting the humility of brokenness. half reaction. half self-sufficiency. taking matters into my hands since Jesus (out of love) doesn't give us quick fixes...

now that my armor is full of chinks and my walls are breaking down. i can't keep up the independence. not only is it apparent to everybody around me just how NOT ok i am. i'm truly seeing the depth of that for the first time. i feel more alone than i have ever felt in my whole life. i've never been one to look to others for help or comfort or solace. i think b/c i know nobody can really give it. but for what's probably the first time in my life i want somebody to. because my weakness is being revealed, and i'm looking for a way to escape. i want a place to hide. i want to hide my wounds and not be broken. i want to be healed and whole, so i can be independent. not needy. not feel the burden of wanting comfort, but knowing nobody else but Jesus can understand. He knows my pain, He knows why the silliest things hurt. He's designed them! He created storms specifically for my personality and character growth. storms that for me are hurricanes, are calm seas for others. He designs things to destroy my independence. to draw me to Himself. which is why i need JESUS...only He knows, and He has His loving hands on the cracks in my heart. even though i feel like it gets harder and harder to breathe. i don't feel like i'm healing. i feel like i'm being stripped and shattered more. i didn't know that was possible. it must be for good though. i know it will be proven to be!!


^^i think that's why my joy has died. partly it was on a false foundation. but. not all false--i do know how to rejoice and hurt. i know the sweetness of running to Him for comfort. i know how to sing with a truly happy heart. i do believe life is beautiful.
i've just forgotten.
i don't want to have to. joy is discipline. i'm foolish and blind. breaking my walls down has been breaking ME. i'm falling apart. instead of taking it to Christ, i've looked to others. i've tried to lean on somebody else and let him pour into me so i don't have to keep crawling over to the fountain. OUCH.
and i knew it. i knew i'd become draining. i knew it'd be a stripping-rebuilding process. but i listened to well-meant kind words instead of what I know about myself and the Lord's counsel.
which has led to craaaaassshhiiing. hard.

i lost joy when i started feeling. (so it wasn't true joy eh?) because i'd retreated to my own world and closed my eyes for awhile. i'd been numb. very pleasant to be numb, not gonna lie! so the shock of reality of where those i love dearest are in life...hurt. sharply. then my walls, the stiff upper lipness that i've trained myself in, to keep pain from affecting me wasn't there. i didn't know how to run to the Lord, b/c i've been living in the school of my own way too long. feeling a hell of a lot + no walls = falling onto whatever seems safest at the moment.
bad news.

oh what a messed up  little child.
that's okay.
i'm on my way to becoming a slightly wiser, slightly stronger, dependent on Christ, truly joyful daughter.
 i just started writing out of the ache. this is me being excruciatingly honest and vulnerable...i think He answered.
 ((cue "your hands" by jj heller))

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