10.21.2011

inextricably mixed

^i like the way that phrase sounds. sounds like my heart + mind.  i need an unfiltered, untheologically corrected verbal spewing of all that's swirling in my mind/heart these days. the words which follow are not self-edited. therefore they represent the entangled soul caught betwixt depravity and purity. well. that's partially untrue. the soul is counted righteous and belongs to Christ, hallelujah!! it is the mind which is still caught. i AM saved. i surely will be without sin and all of Jesus one day. but not yet. here, i am still a battleground. the work is begun; but it is not finished. I am partially filled with Jesus, partially ever attempting to run back to my old chains. the mind wavers between sin and obedience. sometimes following self-centered demands of rebellion. yes, sin's bondage is broken. yes, i am no longer held captive by my flesh. yes, i am FREE to choose who will master me. and there are times when i obey the freeing, gentle, loving rule of Christ. but. not always. i am still human. my tendencies & thought patterns are still being made new. some days they are just old. some days i am stuck. some days i am the three yr old sobbing that she "just can't help herself, i WANT to do good but i can't! i have a stinker inside of me!"
as of late. i can see no forward progress. well i relate to paul in romans 7! greatly do i long for a little more of romans 8! a little triumph, a victory to be felt and seen! but. i cling to His promises elsewhere (i've already put verses on this up here enough that i'm not searching for them now lol) that He must be at work still. He is refining. slowness in progress is not the result of His failing. He does not give up. He doesn't stop. He will always be conforming me to the image of His son. My foolishness, my pride, my evil desires impede progress. i struggle, wrestle, live in tension. no matter how redeemed i AM. i will never fully LIVE in my redemption til i see Him.
at the end of the day? it doesn't matter.
HE will have His way.
I will be made into that which I am legally seen as: innocent.
free in total.

well. that wasn't at all the unleashing i intended! i'm a swirl of aaahhh idk wth to think about this, where is my heart here, why does this make me feel that, why can't i shut it all down...but hey. this was probably more encouraging to read. and it's a tiny bit of where i am and always will be "until that day when, free from sinning, i shall see Thy lovely face"

thank you Jesus for shifting my tangle of words into a reminder of Your grace. 

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