wild melody

my brain never stops thinking. NEVER. not as in it keeps me surviving. as in it is too smart for it's own good. it's not smart, but it thinks it is, and it thinks about things faaaaaarr beyond it's IQ level. Oi oi. just once, it would be nice to focus on doing laundry. and not be doing laundry while my brain cycles through why i don't really like to call myself "christian"& whether that is an ok thing or a not ok thing. how that word seems to come with a whole culture attached to it that i'm not necessarily on board with. all the connotations that come with the concept of being a christian. and how most of them aren't true. the biblical definish of christian, and what a christian is today or what people hear when they hear the word are vastly different. it means something different to almost everybody, how it depends on experience and interactions with folks with that label (rightly or wrongly, which is even another train of thought) and why i wish...

bleh. i hate white blank spaces. when i have storms in my head and my heart is being silent because it wants to stay out of the argument. c'mon. give me something to work with here? i feel like i need to run 8 miles to figure out what's inside me. i need a huge thunderstorm, and i need to be IN it. not watching it from behind glass. actually inside where the lightning tingle threatens to strike me and stop my heart. where the rain is so powerful it soaks me in seconds, forcing me to my knees. where the wind almost knocks me over. that sounds really good to me right now... aggravatedness. good news. i won't care in five years. about anything i do now, except Jesus. and the people i am closest to. that's it. it won't matter whether i felt failure or triumph, it won't matter how often i sinned or how often i loved Jesus. those decisions are important in the here and now, but really. super big deals are quickly forgotten in this life. thankfully. i'm a mess....