overwhelmed by richness

I was dead in trespasses, walking in sin, following the course of this world and the prince of the power of the air, running toward hell. I lived in the passions of my flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and was by nature a child of wrath. BUT God, being rich in mercy,because of the great love with which he loved me, even while I was dead in my trespasses, made me alive together with Christ— by grace I have been saved— and raised me up with Him and seated me with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages He might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward me in Christ Jesus. For by grace I have been saved through faith. And this is NONE of my own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that I may never boast. For I am His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that I should walk in them.
ephesians 2.1-10. paraphrased into first person.

because it slams into me so much harder. when i put myself into this passage. i feel the wieght of my sin, all paul's descriptions of me before Christ resonate. i was a willing slave, i didn't even want to be rescued. i deserved wrath. but Christ, Christ took all the wrath i earned, Christ paid my debts, Christ reconciled this sinful rebellious child to God the Holy Father. and now i know grace. mercy. kindness overwhelming. for no other reason than that the Lord chose to be merciful. loving. a love beyond my comprehension!
i know on judgment day. when i stand before the throne of my God. i will have the truest sense of my guilt. i will know to the fullest extent possible how evil my heart was, how just it would be for me to be damned. how undeserving i am to be in His presence. and at the same moment, unbelievably! i will know grace! i will grasp more fully how amazing, how unspeakably sweet is mercy, love, redemption. how incredible is Christ's sacrifice. not only will i be in His presence. i will see His face. i can't bear the thought. and yet i long for that day. i can't wait to be humbled in a way i have never been on earth, too finally have a better idea of the complete perfect worthiness of God. and fall on my face. "such things are too wonderful for me."

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