my metaphorical pen is extremely rusty.

i haven't written in so long i forgot how to craft words--not that i ever did it well, but the art form of it is altogether lost to me.

I have tried so many times. it's been so hard to write about the trip. maybe it's just laziness. or maybe it's putting the pieces together more, seeing more of not the future big picture--but the past. seeing how God has knit Ukraine into the bones of the woman He's re-creating. (just got a hella ahead of myself). which is so. incredibly hard. to put into words (bc I am so afraid of seeing & thinking things that aren't actually there. of false hope).
there's a wall, or a something. I can't get past it, I can't seem to engage & process. maybe it's partly the sudden loss of a family member. but honestly, I am so good at compartmentalizing that I don't think so. I can grieve him and still think about other areas of my life.

it's a fuzziness...an ache. it hurts. processing Ukraine hurts in new ways. because I'm older? because I better understand that sometimes you don't get to go back? maybe because I have a deeper understanding of trauma, of what these kids will face as they grow & work through their pasts?
because I am ashamed that I *felt* almost nothing? I chose to love the kids--I fiercely love the team! but I didn't have the full range of emotive feelings related to love. I recognized walls within myself are still standing. so much fear! I hate it, I have regrets. I want to go back, make different choices. but I can't. yet even there, I faced a much more bitter regret after my first trip (due to uzgarod) and yet found the words.

Jesus take this weight? help me work through this. give me honesty. give me clarity to see where my true failings & true sins are; what are the real hindrances to ministry. don't let me chase after every little shred of regret. fight for me, slay the demons of false mistakes, of things done well, of moments You acted through me that I question & see as failures. give me words to share the stories of these previous kids--it's about them. I have an opportunity to be their voice, don't let me miss or waste it!