i don't know

sometimes, it feels like cheating to take another's honesty and let it speak for your own. but sometimes it's just so on point there's no need for your own words.


there's this idea that there can be beauty found everywhere, and it's one that i ascribe to...

but damn is it hard.

sometimes life is just nothing but stress & tension & sadness. sometimes it is  r e a l l y hard to find the beauty in it, the sweet to the bitter. sometimes i just can't look for it because it's all i can do to get out of bed.
i need a win. it's a season of striving so hard just to fail and picking back up and falling again and just wondering if maybe it's all a wasted effort. i'm not talking a big win here--no raises or nailed interviews or free tickets to the closest Lone Bellow concert...i just need a small win. a something, anything, that says "hey, you're doing the best that you can with what you've been given."

also honestly? i'm not doing the best that i can with what i've been given. i give up in my head 56 times a day. granted, i talk myself out of it but still. i spend way to much time formatting the outline than writing it. or studying without making flashcards because it seems ridiculous when you have a new exam every week (187 flashcards for an exam in two days, really?) i stress coma and stare at my textbook re-reading the same page for 30 minutes. i stay up all the night before a 4:50am morning because i'm stressed, but i won't make the effort to open my bible & pray it out or drag myself on a run or color to soothing music. i have coping mechanisms, i'm just too self-sabotaging to use them.

it's the emotional version of cutting, i think. and it's hard to stop once you start, because every choice you make could have been better.

i thought i was going to write about finding beauty to help myself choose to see it. but apparently i needed to get rid of my own ugliness first. there's something about writing or sending off the worst and most shameful pieces of yourself. it's like shaking the dust.

shake the dust.
stand up.
find beauty.

however many times it takes.