wild melody

the first thanksgiving without Nana. 1)  i've been doing she reads truth, & thanksgiving i went back to  this devo  b/c it so richly and beautifully freed me to be authentic yet hopeful.  2) little man shared my quiet space {heart melt} 3) chasing "auntie b" and "auntie m" 4) Nana's thanksgiving plates --in the words of grandpa "she would be just tickled to see them used!" 5) Isaiah 9:2 i was dreading this day. ya know, the kind of dread that sits in your stomach like nausea. the kind of headache that comes from refusing to be human & cry. last thanksgiving was strange enough...we had a smaller feast at her house, even though she was too sick to eat anything. because that's what she wanted. there was an ache behind all of it--but also a gratitude for every moment spent with her. for every breath without pain, every wakeful moment of memories & jokes & the many ways we found to say "i love you"....

it was a blessed day. God was kind. I'm grateful I took pictures. (except the pic of us w/ nana is from yesterday but I didn't have a photo of today's visit) bc right now the silence is whispering & I am desperately trying to fill my mind with lovely to keep it out.  I'm not good with silence  right now because all the quiet reminds me death is waiting.  I can't help picturing the book thief character...waiting. watching us.  knowing what we don't, being surprised at how unaware we seem. wondering at the foolish way hope sneaks in on days things seem so much better. its not like that. i know the gospel.  damn it. i don't want to mourn the living! i will not grieve while she is yet here for me to hug. pray for. sit with, speak to, laugh with-at... this is why i avoid silence right now. quiet has a voice, I can hear the wrecked days whispering at the edge of my consciousness. it knows how scared ...

this woman. how she has carried me. how richly she paints the Gospel for me! I don't know how to explain the comradeship God has built between us. the way He built passions into our hearts that we had no idea were similar until later. ah. words fail.  [^^^]

tuesdays are not my day. we struggle to have a love/hate relationship...i roll out of bed at 5.20 for bible study. sometimes have pt at 8 afterwards, if not i get Jesus time. walk into school around 10.30am & don't get out of my last class till 9.15pm. the highlights of my day are: seeing sunrise, coffee from home or from scraping my change together, lab, & my 5.20-6.30 break. i feel like i'm dying halfway through my second class. but i do love bio lab. (sometimes i think that's bc its 3 of 4 & know FOOD is about to happen haha) but. i survive all 11hrs every week. and this time, God met me. so many little ways. i saw His hand all over the place! convicted me. i need to start looking for beauty specifically on tues. need to be praying while i walk from class to class, need to look for grace & ways to be love. since this is my blog and i can be as boring as i want to. here's a recap of the first thankfulness tues. this tuesday. life was beautiful...

the sister's artwork. love having artists in the fam! the real us. the camera kids bre & i went on a not so caroling walk hooray for the Christmas truth that Jesus Christ was born, died to cleanse us, and arose to keep us. the Christmas story is a story of mercy, extravagant love, and real peace. may we live in it all year long, and never forget the wonder & beauty of our Savior!

beks is twenty-five... i am so insanely grateful that she was born on this day, 25 years ago. God knew i'd need her! there is so much she has done for me...from drawing out my girly side, teaching me how girls make friends, showing me that dolls and teacups could be fun. we've fought, forgiven, endured and rejoiced together. there's so much i want to write about her...the best friend ever. she's got gorgeous green eyes and swell fashion taste. [now ;)] she hates football, she loves afternoon teas and britishness. she loves God and is learning more and more how to rest in Him and trust Him. she leaves things in His hands where I would think about them and try to figure them out. she loves others faithfully, even when it hurts. she's creative& quirky and a total goofball when i draw it out of her. but she's in WV and i am here. i am SO VERY proud of her for jumping of a cliff a lil bit. took courage and faith. but maybe we won't write this today. caus...

these are just a few of my most faves peeps. they've faithfully had my back. and i am missing a few faces, but i don't have may pics on my lappy. praying for them today. cause i hate homework. but i love them. life is made beautiful partly by the people we love, no? eiagianng. cheeeeeese.

i don't have time or words today so. found this the other day...heck yes! lets beat tennessee boys, make me proud please? thank you Jesus for brothers, friends like brothers, besties, football, & YOU. mostly i need so much more of You. amin. (ameen? phonetic spelling...)

* 1 john 3.13-24 just a lil taste: "Do not be *surprised*, brothers that the world -hates you-. We know that we *have passed* OUT of (death) }into} LiFE, because we love the brothers...By this we know love, that [Christ] laid down his life for us !!!... By this we shall KNOW that we are *of the TRUTH* & REASSURE our heart before Him; for whenever (our heart) condemns us, God is GREATER than our (heart), and He *knows* EVERYTHiNG...we have CONFiDENCE before God...whoever KEEPS His commandments ABiDES in God, & God is in him..."  {make you want to sing anyone?! * country music eric church's voice. miranda lambert's fierceness. jason aldean's lyrics. mmhm, keepin me tied to my room so i keep working *saturdays off  LOVE fam breakfast- chores- homeness w the people dearest to my heart *free coffee  starbucks kid: "i think i got this one..." me: um, wait what?!  "no its fine! i even have a giftcard!" "oh well, too bad" an...

i know. i'm way behind. i intend to set up a separate blog for my travels, and i'll be posting pictures and ukraine stories there. just trying to get into a rhythm of school + work, with time for fam & Jesus. and the very best friend that is moving away in 6 weeks. i can't process. i just get snatches of time here n there; and i'm already a s-l-o-w processor...tiiiiiiiiime. everything takes time! if i were to try & write bout Ukraine now...it'd be a mess. children, stories, american/ ukrainian teams...the beautiful resilient country with its shattering history and rising from ashes...can't separate things from the effect they wrought in my heart just yet so all that crap would be mixed in... God used Ukraine events to stir up in me and ugliness He revealed in my heart and i know it's to turn it into beauty. but honestly, having a hard time seeing beauty right now. just a season. growing pains. sigh. ((ps. theme song of t...

lost. i feel lost. here i sit in my room, a different girl then the one who left 3 weeks ago for Ukraine. (3 weeks? are we sure it wasn't 3 months, or years even? did we really only do 2 orphan camps?) i want to burn the furniture, tear everything off my door & rebuild from scratch. i missed my beautiful family but i was not ready to leave...was i really walking the streets of Kyiv just  27 hrs ago? i have seen so much . i've been punched, smacked, loved, bruised, hugged, bitten, kissed, tackled, peed on, adored, blessed beyond measure. i've been heartwrenched, ecstatic, humbled, scared, used by God, convicted, challenged, blessed, confused, broken. i've seen inhuman treatment of children that i cannot comprehend. i've seen some of the most beautiful hearts Jesus ever created in His people & seen Christ shine through them. i've loved freely as God loves through me, and i have held back love i ought to have shared. i've felt the bravery God's...