wild melody

"Celebration when your plan is working? Anyone can do that. But when you realize the story of your life could be told a thousand different ways, that you could tell it over and over as a tragedy, but you chose to call it an epic; that's when you start to see what celebration is.  When what you see in front of you is so far outside of what you dreamed, but you have the belief, the boldness, the courage to call it beautiful instead of calling it wrong that's celebration."  __shauna niequist how i want this courage, this kind of fierce, joyful defiance. help me let go of my perspective so it may unbend & flex into something that can find celebration. may i find the epic within the ugliness. may i see beautiful here, in the uncertainty of my tomorrows. may i create restful solitude from within the loneliness. may i trade in the hollow for healing; the cynical & bitter for wide-eyed hope. fill me. here, in the in-between; let me become a woman who creates ...

"life doesn't discriminate between the sinners & the saints, it takes and it takes and it takes. we keep living anyway--we rise & we fall & we break and we make our mistakes; and if there's a reason I'm still alive when so many have died, than I'm willing to wait for it."  this song, oddly enough gives me hope. (the whole musical has become something of a personal anthem but that's a bizarre twisting path deep into my heart and mind that i'm unable--unwilling to take others down at the moment). it's true, life is indiscriminately harsh (with breaks of sunshine and rest). God directly alters at times, yes. but more often He lets the long long leash of natural law & free will play out. as He works within the laws of natural science He created rather than bending them; just so in all of life. He redeems more than He rescues. He's not at odds with the patterns of life. He created it, and when the fall altered it He chose a quie...

You delight in showing mercy delight it's not a duty, or a chore; you're not angry or annoyed that i need your mercy more than the earth needs rain. you are not exacting, frustrated, judgmental. i live under this burden of exact cause and effect. this belief that every action can only add up to it's deserving consequence. that any good or forward motion must be earned and fought for with the absolute best you can give; but even then don't get your hopes up...because your best isn't always enough. there is no entitlement, life owes you nothing and fairness only comes into play when you screw up. punishments and consequences of mistakes always pay out--even though the rewards and fruit for hard work, diligence and effort don't. but that's not life with you. it's a perspective i've been partly given and partly created. You are   g r a c i o u s.  i'm supposed to be free! not only from sin; but from this burden of fear & failure meaning t...

the courage of stars... how light carries on  how rare & beautiful it truly is  that we exist  i'd give anything to hear, you say it one more time the universe was made just to be seen by my eyes  -saturn from space II, Atlas project by sleeping at last   (( if only i could couch my thoughts & ideas & emotions in such a vehicle as this. grateful for right-brained artists whose hearts beat out into words. so the left-brainers like me can say "yes! that's my heart, thank you for giving it wings." ))

here's the deal. spiritually, i ain't so hot. just sizzling. in a will-there-ever-be-water-again way. i'm in a desert something fierce, since Oct 2011. that's when i think it began. i noticed a distance, a parching. something was less-feeling in my walk with God. i thought maybe it was the boyfriend, but that ended and the heat didn't. i thought it was all in my head; "maybe i'm just hyped on experiences" or "i'm not listening enough". i thought it was depression, but God brought me through that with no renewal of the vibrant, living-waterness. there's been terrain change... pits, different sand, sometimes rocks underfoot. a few mirages, but no rain. no oasis. i tried to dissect where i went wrong. what sin is trapping me here. what mistake did i make...i tried getting out. i started faking. i've started to doubt if i ever even loved God. if God really ever conquered my heart. but in the past few months diff words have been sneak...

“When we compare ourselves to other people; what we are doing is not simply lying to ourselves, we are telling God that He got us wrong. Did you know that before you were even knit inside your mother, God knew you. That means that He knew that you were you before the world did. Since when did we decide to listen to the world instead of God? The world wants to end you before you even exist. The world wants you to think you were an accident. The world wants you to think that beauty comes from letting your “cover girl” out. The world wants you to find value in the arms of another. The world wants you to be your own god knowing full well that it will rip you apart. The world wants you dead, it has been trying to do that ever since your birth. God wants you. It is plain and simple, but it is truth. Find your worth in the one who knew you before any of us, the one who desired you before you were even someone to be desired. Stop listening to a liar and start listening to God. Our ...

❝ Celebration when your plan is working? Anyone can do that. But when you realize that the story of your life could be told a thousand different ways, that you could tell it over and over as a tragedy, but you choose to call it an epic, that’s when you start to learn what celebration is. When what you see in front of you is so far outside of what you dreamed, but you have the belief, the boldness, the courage to call it beautiful instead of calling it wrong, that’s celebration. — Shauna Niequist This quote has sparked a lot of thought the past hour...it won't be a logical progression but here's my attempt to put mind-heart muddle into words: Oh look, its that familiar place again... condemning thoughts lie so well, i make myself sick before i realize i've fought all these and i know all the answers: "i'm a waste of space" + "the timeline of my plans is past so why bother" + "why dream?" + "why didn't i do________" ...

"Even our (failures) can bring forth}} good .if. they crush our independence,  }}drive} us closer to Christ and make us more aware of our need of grace . The greatest need of a true saint is a greater revelation of the love of God IN CHRiST." ~paul washer so maybe i feel like i am doing the worst single-mum-of-5 + dog + helpful teenage weekend ever. i think i was more fun, patient, leading-little-hearts-toward-Christ aware my very first time at this than i am now. but. maybe God's working in me. AND these precious littles. maybe He has a plan in all the littlest things that don't seem siginificant at all. who knows? He is about the business of redeeming hearts...hooray. cheers.

sometimes the easiest way to fight for joy, to fight to trust God when it seems He is letting go of His grip on the world is (for me anyway) to completely shift focus. to not think on those things. not sort them out, not try to understand. to let go & admit that my mind is too small. to really grasp His plans anyway. to humble myself--lets be real, if God explained His plans step by step i still would be unable to grasp them. i have not the mental scope. finite meeting infinite. i need to let it go. focus my mind on Christ. its in His hands. so. A Praying Life  by Paul Miller is a book i've been soaking in for almost a year now. haven't quite finished it, but i've reread chapters over n over. its simple. but parts of it have grabbed my heart. thought i'd post some of the underlined sections that convicted/comforted me .  One of the biggest key points of the book is that prayer is about our hearts & relationship with God. "As you develop your rela...

Day 35 of 40 Days with Jesus by Sarah Young: "Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past. See, I am doing a new thing! I am a God of surprises-- infinitely more creative than you can imagine. The universe displays some of My creativity, but there is more-- much more. I am making a new heaven and a new earth. Moreover, I am preparing My people-- all around the world-- to live there with Me in endless ecstasy. Let this eternal perspective strengthen and encourage you. As you journey along your life-path with Me, refuse to let the past define you or your expectations of what lies ahead. You may feel as if the road you are on is tiresome or even a dead end. That is because you're projecting the past into the future. The road block you are straining to see up ahead is really just an illusion. The future is in My hands, and I can do surprising things with it! Your gravest danger is giving up: ceasing to believe I can still do wondrous new things in you and your world...

"In the mid-16th century Francis Xavier (1506–1552), a Catholic missionary, wrote to Father Perez of Malacca (today part of Indonesia) about the perils of his mission to China. He said, 'The danger of all dangers would be to lose trust and confidence in the mercy of God. . . To distrust him would be a far more terrible thing than any physical evil which all the enemies of God put together could inflict on us, for without God’s permission neither the devils nor their human ministers could hinder us in the slightest degree.' The greatest danger a missionary faces is to distrust the mercy of God. If that danger is avoided, then all other dangers lose their sting. God makes every dagger a scepter in our hand. As J.W. Alexander says, “Each instant of present labor is to be graciously repaid with a million ages of glory.” Christ escaped the danger of distrust. Therefore God has highly exalted him!" piper. help my unbelief. it grows strong the more My thought patt...

"you know what i need?" "nope, what?" "i just need more Jesus. If I had more Jesus, than everything would be ok, really." true story. in all sincerity. " For His daily, less noticeable deliverance I want the spirit to {open my eyes} so I can .be thankful.  For His mighty acts that appear at the eleventh hour , I want {grace} to .trust Him}.  But these after-the-fact deliverance's?  I [hardly know] [what] to ask What if you actually went through your worst nightmare, .what then.?  /Where was the deliverance?/  It means that there will be lots of sorrow as we .walk through life., but we {aspire} to know sorrow that is mingled with hope . For subjects of King Jesus, death and tragedy are never the last word .  The goodness of our God is certain . "  -Edward Welch. {.emphasis. & weird formatting  .mine.]

"Fear of man is a horrible way to live. It’s absolute bondage. Our idols own us. They own us, they control us, they dictate the directions of our lives and the impulses of our hearts. Our idols get a grip on us and nothing will get a grip harder than this one: the fear of man. It will tell you how to think, it will tell you what to feel, it will tell you how to act, it will tell you what to wear, it will tell you when to laugh, it will tell you what to be… We will use people to make us feel right, to justify our existence, to escape our insecurities and to gain a verdict that we are desperate for [that says we are valuable]. We’re trusting in other people, using them to heal us, validate us, to restore to us our glory. To save us." — JR Vassar (via  modernhepburn ) " The former governors who were before me laid heavy burdens on the people and took from them for their daily ration  forty shekels  of silver. Even their servants lorded it over the people.  But I did not...

He took the twelve aside . . . -Luke 18:31  "Oh, the bravery of God in trusting us! Do you say, "But He has been unwise to choose me, because there is nothing good in me and I have no value"? That is exactly why He chose you. As long as you think that you are of value to Him He cannot choose you, because you have purposes of your own to serve . But if you will allow Him to take you to the end of your own self-sufficiency, then He can choose you to go with Him "to Jerusalem" ( Luke 18:31 ). And that will mean the fulfillment of purposes which He does not discuss with you . We tend to say that because a person has natural ability, he will make a good Christian. It is not a matter of our equipment, but a matter of our poverty; not of what we bring with us, but of what God puts into us ; not a matter of natural virtues, of strength of character, of knowledge, or of experience- all of that is of no avail in this concern. The only thing of value is being taken...

i just read this on my friend laura's blog . sssh. i am stealing her words. this morning i had sunrise at the atlantic. + comrade. to download a bit with somebody who is processing ukraine too in a place where God's glory is so very visually stunning we could not forget about His beauty & goodness & power. the whole drive home, i was thinking. about how God grows me, how i recognize this cycle. amazing experiance-flames-ashes-rebirth. but my attitude wasn't great. i was thinking "God, can this be enough change for the year? can i just curl up in a corner and You can get my heart where & in whatever shape it needs to be? ..." laura convicted me. EXACTLY where my heart is! i didn't know how to put it in words {emphasis mine} And so that's why I refuse to be broken forever.  That's why I refute the lies with the truth.  That's why I stay awake when I want to crawl under the covers.   That's why I welcome in the new even when so...

I was kinda skimming along ann voskamp's latest and i didn't really get into it but then these words in bold stopped me in my tracks. SO VERY TRUE!! so where i am. heart attacks adn renderings and shards of self-will and desires splintering, all the while knowing there is good in the shattering and God is making beautiful things out of dust but sometimes not even caring just wanting easiness. today is a strange day. today is the kind when i am very aware that there are different kinds of happy.  maybe satan is tempting me to believe the kind i have now isn't the best. but i'm not falling into that lie! today is going to be a day i believe life is beautiful-always beautiful, no matter the season. some just take more looking for that beauty than others. but if God is always good, there is always something to be grateful in. something to give ammo to the fight for joy. something to make hearts stop and breathe and smile with eyes closed for a minute. anyway enough stu...

"To make a fighter you gotta strip them down to bare wood: you can't just tell 'em to forget everything you know if you gotta make 'em forget even their bones... make 'em so tired they only listen to you, only hear your voice, only do what you say and nothing else... show 'em how to keep their balance and take it away from the other guy... how to generate momentum off their right toe and how to flex your knees when you fire a jab... how to fight backin' up so that the other guy doesn't want to come after you. Then you gotta show 'em all over again. Over and over and over... till they think they're born that way." "If there's magic in boxing, it's the magic of fighting battles beyond endurance, beyond cracked ribs, ruptured kidneys and detached retinas. It's the magic of risking everything for a dream that nobody sees but you ." won't have time to write just why these resonate so strongly with me for awhile.....

" What do you do when the guilt doesn't cease the morning;  after a fall, asking "Lord would you send relief, relief, relief.  In Christ you will send relief Constantly feeling down. What's this really about?  I'm readmitting the sins I feel most guilty about.  I'm weak.  Fearing you'll leave my bones,  thinking now "I want holiness, but I don't have the power to live it out!  That's why i gotta preach, cause the gospel has got to hit me -  Jesus has died for my sin; there's no power without relief.  Believe it!  Oh, I'm letting go of my yesterday,  grab a hold - free in your grace I live.  There's no more guilt  Hello new mercies/ Hello every morning and every day I live, is another day I know that I've been forgiven... KB hello. theme song. "you are a child of God, hear me in this. God is not angry with you, he loves you. God is not sick of you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. God will not ...

1) i am not nearly as "made-new" as i thought. i need a lot more breaking. probably done more necessary confessing & repenting the past month than i have in my whole life to date. i'm learning i can take the "roof off" all i want, but just being open before God isn't always enough. i also need to take "walls down" and be open to others. 2) i have amazing friends, who reflect well their greater, more amazing God's grace. cases in point: a few nights ago a kind friend text me this as a way of forgiving me: "Isn't GRACE just the most beautiful experience ever!? The grace in conviction, the grace in humility , the grace in forgiveness! It's astounding!!" this morning another friend emailed me: " I want you to see your imperfections, your weaknesses and your failures NOT has chains of condemnation, but as opportunities for God to come, save, and raise up in His strength and love! God's plan for using you, is so muc...

this is from a sermon Spurgeon preached from Matthew 15.27 about the Samaritan women. he's preaching this to those to seek salvation but do not feel they receive it immediately. BUT. the women was seeking Jesus to heal her possessed daughter...so i take comfort in this to apply it to my prayers for the saving of those i am sometimes tempted to despair over. i know not what His answer may be, but i will keep coming. til the day i die, if need be. -oh if he will give me perseverance!- i shall fight to view it as a delayed, not unanswered, prayer. "Genuine seekers who as yet have not obtained the blessing, may take comfort from the story before us. The Saviour did not at once give the blessing, even though this woman had faith. Do not be startled; it is the truth. She had real and genuine faith in Christ when she came to Jesus, or else she would never have put up with the rebuffs of the disciples. Yet, believer as she was, she did not at first obtain the blessing which she sought...