wild melody

all the things i want to say, but can't. the stories i've drifted into for a few sentences, the moments another soul hovers between life and death. the people i could have helped more, the ones i reached deep down and found a level beyond "all" to give from; and the majority in the middle whom i strove to do my best for. family dynamics. loneliness. sometimes the deepest loneliness includes family surrounding you and sometimes it's a singular pronoun for days. the brokenness of wounds that aren't physical but often seem to damage deeper than the physiologic ones i'm treating. the peace that real love and true family brings to chaos and pain and suffering. so much i've witnessed...but i have no words. or rather, i have no way to free them. the hawk of my high school days that used to beat around in my chest cavity longing for freedom seems to have returned. i don't know where to begin. i don't know how to put stories that aren't mine...

 " my heart, is my keep; and you are threatening me...oh myyy you're the one, I've been holding out for; for so damn long..."  (empires// jukebox the ghost) oh Ukraine. i don't understand. i don't know what to think about you. logic cannot explain how i feel, or even what i think. i'm not sure what i truly think --haven't made time to *really* sort it out. i'm scared. why this crazy magnetic pull? even with your harsh abrasiveness, coldness, the vast depth of language/thought pattern barrier, the ways you make my strengths look disadvantageous & don't value some of the deepest things God created in me; i adore you. there are ways you hurt me. but it drives me to Jesus. oh you make me laugh! my lack of ability to cross those culture walls? at times frustrating as hell. but it drives me to honest self-assessment of what is truly good vs desired, what is biblical vs cultural. you're not easy to love, but i never have been either...

"Do not be anxious about anything,  but in every situation , by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving , present your requests to God.  And the peace of God ,  which transcends all understanding ,  will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. " (Phil 4:6-7) alright Lord. here i am. i want to believe this verse. i'm anxious about everything. i'm weighed down. i'm discouraged. i'm weak, incapable, inadequate. i feel like i'm failing every area of my life. so i bring this to bear like a sword to the doubt & fear & worry in my heart. You love to be reminded of Your promises? well then. You have promised to provide peace when I bring you my cares with prayer & thanksgiving. i can't do that on my own. my flesh is too weak. my doubting logical mind whispers it will lead to failure. how can you bring these things to God and let them go? how will you improve or fix them? you have to keep thinking about them! mm NO.  lets be...

sometimes the easiest way to fight for joy, to fight to trust God when it seems He is letting go of His grip on the world is (for me anyway) to completely shift focus. to not think on those things. not sort them out, not try to understand. to let go & admit that my mind is too small. to really grasp His plans anyway. to humble myself--lets be real, if God explained His plans step by step i still would be unable to grasp them. i have not the mental scope. finite meeting infinite. i need to let it go. focus my mind on Christ. its in His hands. so. A Praying Life  by Paul Miller is a book i've been soaking in for almost a year now. haven't quite finished it, but i've reread chapters over n over. its simple. but parts of it have grabbed my heart. thought i'd post some of the underlined sections that convicted/comforted me .  One of the biggest key points of the book is that prayer is about our hearts & relationship with God. "As you develop your rela...

"O  Lord , in your strength the king rejoices ,      and in your salvation how greatly he exults !... 2  6  For you make him most blessed forever;      you make him glad with the joy of your presence . 7  For the king trusts in the  Lord ,      and through the steadfast love of the Most High he shall not be moved ." (psalm 21.1, 6-7) oh Lord, forgive me for all the running i have been doing. for all the business, for putting good things in front of you. for choosing sin--worry, doubt, fear, control, wanting what You have said is not best for me--over time with You. i'm running back Father. o thank You for open arms! thank you for giving up Your only and beloved Son to give me freedom & the amazingness of forgiveness. break me over my sin. give me a heart that repents--for that is a heart that knows the sweetness of Your presence. that is a heart with a fountain of joy no c...

this is from a sermon Spurgeon preached from Matthew 15.27 about the Samaritan women. he's preaching this to those to seek salvation but do not feel they receive it immediately. BUT. the women was seeking Jesus to heal her possessed daughter...so i take comfort in this to apply it to my prayers for the saving of those i am sometimes tempted to despair over. i know not what His answer may be, but i will keep coming. til the day i die, if need be. -oh if he will give me perseverance!- i shall fight to view it as a delayed, not unanswered, prayer. "Genuine seekers who as yet have not obtained the blessing, may take comfort from the story before us. The Saviour did not at once give the blessing, even though this woman had faith. Do not be startled; it is the truth. She had real and genuine faith in Christ when she came to Jesus, or else she would never have put up with the rebuffs of the disciples. Yet, believer as she was, she did not at first obtain the blessing which she sought...

In you, O LORD, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me! Incline your ear to me; rescue me speedily! Be a rock of refuge for me, a strong fortress to save me! For you are my rock and my fortress; and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me; you take me out of the net they have hidden for me, for you are my refuge. Into your hand I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O LORD, faithful God. I hate those who pay regard to worthless idols, but I trust in the LORD. I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul, and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a broad place. Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also. For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquit...

Hi Father, thank you for revealing frailty in me. on a level i have never allowed you to touch. thank you for crushing me, to reveal a fragrance i did not know You had built in me. thank you for emotional vulnerability. Lord i hate that concept. the very words make me tense, but you are changing that. ha, ha-as i am powerless to control these feelings, powerless to stop them. i could suck it up and pretend. thank you that You don't want me to! Thank you that You understand and have created me in Your image. YOU have emotions Lord, therefore i must. You are not frail in Yours-but i am human. i am tempted to despise myself, to harden my heart, to fake it. i'm tempted to pretend it is godly self-control to lock this empty ache inside, to not allow tears when i feel ripping pain deeper than any i have experienced. to act as if the void in my chest isn't pressing against my sternum some days with such force i'm surprised it hasn't cracked. Lord you are showing me you don...