wild melody

damn i miss you. it's been 8 years now, and there are many days i don't. there are times i still think "i want to show perpa this!" but it's decreased to a wee blip of missing most days. not today.     (will the non-linear chaos of grief ever stop surprising me?) today it's the kind of sting that makes me breathe a little slower, as if it's a true physical ache and shallower inhales will ease it. today, it stabs me with a fierce shock, the way a mountain lake ices warm skin like a seizure. i wish i could jump in my car and speed my way across the st john's... i call it the house that built me, you know from the miranda lambert song? i need it. i need a forehead kiss. & your hug, smelling like outdoors & sunshine, wood dust & old spice; stability. i need a cup of coffee. the strong black brew with cream to make it "blonde & bitter". (i still can't recreate that perfection). in my favorite mug. mint green with the ha...

this isn't supposed to be like this. i'm the bad guy in this scenario, i hurt you. unintentionally. but, if there's blame to lay somewhere my door is the only one fitting. i shouldn't have this war between mind & heart. my heart shouldn't be acting like it's broken. i know it seemed disconnected when you asked. but i really was thinking about grace. how much i don't deserve you. how incapable i am in this moment of my life to give you what you deserve. you didn't find me at my worst; but i'm still climbing up from it. i can't pretend that's ok. i can't give you part of me, when you should have all. i can't give you pieces when i would want all. i also couldn't say that if i had ever for one moment considered that an option...i don't know. it never crossed my mind. there's a lot of feeling hiding behind the things i don't allow my mind to access. damn... but even then i wouldn't have let myself fall for you....

dear current (panicky, feeling-like-a-spastic-failure) me, f ight the overwhelm! a year from now-- actually 5 weeks from now when you finish med-surg rotation-- you’ll look back & laugh at all the times (aka now) you thought you  couldn't  make it. you’ll also laugh at what you thought was difficult. this is the easy part, kiddo. so hang in there. don’t give up on me k? cause I’m excited about psych rotation. I really want to make it there with good grades & good clinical reports intact. we can’t get there if you waste time being scared. so make yet another glass of iced coffee, get those tunes louder, & hit it like it's an adventure. that’s all. your future self ((ps.  know how people always surprise you by thinking you're strong? maybe you've a little more grit than you can see right now ))

hey you, yeah, you with the clear green eyes, crazy hair, and scarred hands that can't take off that ring even though it holds no meaning and i swear it burns you just sitting there. i know you don't get why i keep denying you. i don't get why you keep trying? i mean, i guess i know but i don't want to admit it? that this magnetic draw might be a mutual thing. it's never happened to me before. the room went electric when you walked into it and looked straight at me, like you expected me to be sitting in the back left corner. is that part of my "i just lost my mind for a bit and it still plays sensory tricks on me" or is that what attraction always feels like to other people? i'm the wrong girl to answer that one...dear lord, here i am 24 and you're the first man on gods green earth to make me feel things outside my ability to shut off. this goes against all of me. like that doesn't make it hard enough to work with you. then you gotta go ...

Hey. This is a little weird, but here's a letter from me. Or you... the 25-year-old self. I know at 19 you're trying really hard to put on a brave face. Trying to live up to expectations. But would you admit cancer sucks? You don't have to add "God is good & faithful" as a tagline anytime what you're actually walking through starts to come through in your words. cut all the "happy and you know it" crap. YES God is good & faithful; but ya gotta be a little more honest. It's k that you're bleeding & angry some days. There isn't a single good reason for all the suffering of cancer on this earth. its only going to get worse; so you need to get it straight right now: it's ok to not know. And people who make you feel like admissions of doubt or fear or hurt are questioning God? The ones who stifle you? Well they won't be in your life in 4 years. You'll benefit from gut-level honesty now vs. waiting til your mid 20s. Rea...

dear child, I have an awful lot of questions. that I can't answer...maybe you can, but would you? i don't even know if you *can* give me a real answer. nobody else seems to have asked & i feel like if you'd thought of them, i wouldn't see so much shadow & confusion in your face. if I could... where is your heart? what are you thinking? i can't change it & I'm not gonna try. I just want to understand your thought process. what do you want? who are you? no really. what do you define yourself as, & by? what do you |want| to define you? (because what we want to, & what actually does; sometimes differ) {who} defines you? whose approval matters the most, and why is it so dear to you? _why are your eyes hollow_ why is your spirit defeated & stifled? why are you...lost? baby why oh why would you walk into darkness when you've fought so hard, when Christ suffered so much? can you forget the to sacrifices, both yours & His? the...

I write letters in my head all the time. if I actually followed through on them, the outgoing pile in my mailbox would look a lil like this: Dear NFL mobile, The season is over. I am ok with admitting my boys played with heart but still lost. so why do you keep sending me "why did the packers struggle?" "what's wrong with green bays defense" articles. please stop. Sincerely, packs fan To the boy who walks around campus singing at the top of his lungs: nice pipes. bro, seriously, you should be in musicals bc you've got a classic broadway sound. thank you for sharing it. thanks for pulling me out of survival mode & into really living mode. cheers! Dear student who cannot see past his emotions & is incapable of separating other's mistakes from their actual intent, my heart aches for you. I wish I could give you new eyes. I wish I knew how to reach you. I wish you could hear me when I try to show you the positive outlook of a bad situat...