wild melody

all the things i want to say, but can't. the stories i've drifted into for a few sentences, the moments another soul hovers between life and death. the people i could have helped more, the ones i reached deep down and found a level beyond "all" to give from; and the majority in the middle whom i strove to do my best for. family dynamics. loneliness. sometimes the deepest loneliness includes family surrounding you and sometimes it's a singular pronoun for days. the brokenness of wounds that aren't physical but often seem to damage deeper than the physiologic ones i'm treating. the peace that real love and true family brings to chaos and pain and suffering. so much i've witnessed...but i have no words. or rather, i have no way to free them. the hawk of my high school days that used to beat around in my chest cavity longing for freedom seems to have returned. i don't know where to begin. i don't know how to put stories that aren't mine...

this is Finian. aka the shamrock plant i came home to one day after school, the week before st patrick i think. mum knows how obsessed i am with all things Irish. (also how i secretly want to be a gardener, because i like dirt and color and fresh air and hard work) i named him because he's lived somehow for almost a month now. i thought an irish name was fitting, yeah? it brings me a smallish smile in my heart to see greenery and life in my bedroom every day. its a reminder that i'm still growing. that God is still in the business of planting, watering, feeding, renewing souls. it's also a spark of distracting thought trains that never reach a logical conclusion. sometimes i get lost in thinking about aerobic respiration and what's going on in the miniscule cells of that little plant; not unlike (yet so different) what's going in on my own miniscule cells. but i have God's breath of life that creates (soul). pretty much the biggest difference in the definitio...

here's the deal. spiritually, i ain't so hot. just sizzling. in a will-there-ever-be-water-again way. i'm in a desert something fierce, since Oct 2011. that's when i think it began. i noticed a distance, a parching. something was less-feeling in my walk with God. i thought maybe it was the boyfriend, but that ended and the heat didn't. i thought it was all in my head; "maybe i'm just hyped on experiences" or "i'm not listening enough". i thought it was depression, but God brought me through that with no renewal of the vibrant, living-waterness. there's been terrain change... pits, different sand, sometimes rocks underfoot. a few mirages, but no rain. no oasis. i tried to dissect where i went wrong. what sin is trapping me here. what mistake did i make...i tried getting out. i started faking. i've started to doubt if i ever even loved God. if God really ever conquered my heart. but in the past few months diff words have been sneak...

hey you, yeah, you with the clear green eyes, crazy hair, and scarred hands that can't take off that ring even though it holds no meaning and i swear it burns you just sitting there. i know you don't get why i keep denying you. i don't get why you keep trying? i mean, i guess i know but i don't want to admit it? that this magnetic draw might be a mutual thing. it's never happened to me before. the room went electric when you walked into it and looked straight at me, like you expected me to be sitting in the back left corner. is that part of my "i just lost my mind for a bit and it still plays sensory tricks on me" or is that what attraction always feels like to other people? i'm the wrong girl to answer that one...dear lord, here i am 24 and you're the first man on gods green earth to make me feel things outside my ability to shut off. this goes against all of me. like that doesn't make it hard enough to work with you. then you gotta go ...

❝ Celebration when your plan is working? Anyone can do that. But when you realize that the story of your life could be told a thousand different ways, that you could tell it over and over as a tragedy, but you choose to call it an epic, that’s when you start to learn what celebration is. When what you see in front of you is so far outside of what you dreamed, but you have the belief, the boldness, the courage to call it beautiful instead of calling it wrong, that’s celebration. — Shauna Niequist This quote has sparked a lot of thought the past hour...it won't be a logical progression but here's my attempt to put mind-heart muddle into words: Oh look, its that familiar place again... condemning thoughts lie so well, i make myself sick before i realize i've fought all these and i know all the answers: "i'm a waste of space" + "the timeline of my plans is past so why bother" + "why dream?" + "why didn't i do________" ...

sometimes, people say i'm strong. ha. i'm not. really. it confuses me when my close friends say it, bc they see more of my frailty than anybody else!  now, when i was a little girl, i wanted to be "strong" so much. i had a faulty definition. i thought "strong" meant "unaffected", as if i were strong enough i wouldn't hurt or feel or be vulnerable. strong people were protectors & safe themselves. but my definition has since changed...drastically. that process spanned almost 15 years. short story version: i molded myself into my idea of "strong" only to find that i was actually killing my heart. i locked myself into a fortress that not only failed to protect me, but also held me prisoner in her own walls. much of this blog the past 3 yrs has been written from those varying places; as God shattered & remade me.  I define strength as the ability to l et go, from trust not despair. it's refusing to believe God is anything but w...

 " my heart, is my keep; and you are threatening me...oh myyy you're the one, I've been holding out for; for so damn long..."  (empires// jukebox the ghost) oh Ukraine. i don't understand. i don't know what to think about you. logic cannot explain how i feel, or even what i think. i'm not sure what i truly think --haven't made time to *really* sort it out. i'm scared. why this crazy magnetic pull? even with your harsh abrasiveness, coldness, the vast depth of language/thought pattern barrier, the ways you make my strengths look disadvantageous & don't value some of the deepest things God created in me; i adore you. there are ways you hurt me. but it drives me to Jesus. oh you make me laugh! my lack of ability to cross those culture walls? at times frustrating as hell. but it drives me to honest self-assessment of what is truly good vs desired, what is biblical vs cultural. you're not easy to love, but i never have been either...

sometimes, I battle regret. fiercely. usually I'm pretty confident in my decisions once they've been made. I've grown in receiving grace & walking away from my mistakes once I own them. I don't second-guess my actions much anymore, I don't reply conversations wishing I'd said differently. but today...aiy aiy.  today has been good. so beautiful this morning. answered prayer in quiet time with Abi's Hebrews recommendation. but so...painful. the sharp healing cut of God's Word. revealing. good hurt, like ripping off a bandaid to find the wound is healing but still stings.  this morning I had a revelation I wish I'd had the first week. so simple! so clear as I was praying. if I'd taken more time alone--truly alone, still--before God I would have seen it sooner. how could I be so blind?! how proud I have been. how grasping of good things that seemed pure. but I forgot in all my praying to submit. I forgot how to actually   release worry, fear, des...

tom petty, some mat kearney... modern day drifter & something that wild on repeat. the only time i felt ok today was driving the truck with all windows down. wish i could write out the restlessness in my heart. it won't stop the ADHD of my soul, but maybe it'll ease, if i try. ever since i was small, i'd get these fierce restless moods. i feel trapped. & i don't want to take it out on those i love so i tend to withdraw. i need to be alone, so i don't bite anybody's head off. cause i can't sit still & i can't do small talk & i can't keep my mind in the present. i forget to ask Jesus for self control & love. i'm try explain what i mean by restless: physical_spiritual_mental. i mean, i always have a bit of wildness in me. but feeling wild doesn't always involve restlessness. it's different. i want to be anywhere but where i am. i can't breathe deep. its not that i want to leave the people i love. it's not...

this is going to be ramblish. all over the map, lemme tell you, cause that's where my mind is. words and i have a strange relationship...they intimidate me sometimes. they evade me, they confuse me, they have a way of shifting & sliding just out of reach when i am in very deep feeling or thought. i literally run out. which is odd if you've ever met me, i have that southern girl capapbility to talk non-stop about things i'm passionate about! i lose them. but there are times where they leap in and form themselves to the exact shape of my ideas. rare, but lovely moments. i love them in other people's hands. {sometimes} i hate when they're clumsily used or misused, when they're fake or artificial. a well-written book is a treasure to me, whether the plot is slow or fast, smooth or rough, fiction or non-fiction...the words matter. the phrasing matters. and my favorite kind is true. not true meaning "literal" or "reality" or "actua...

too much thinking for sleep. despite my attempts to turn off my mind, its as awake as the sun. i tried to cast my cares & trust strong grace, to still this loud heart that disrupts my mind... (i'm losing) so much life...the colour textures emotions realities shapes stories; these that create a felt existence threaten to overwhelm me with jumble. & hubbub & words go round n round in my head tossing              to & fro like waves                   playing with the shore. except if they really were waves, I would sleep                      sweetly peacefully                     to the sounds of their crashing.

God answers prayer. He's going to lead me, take me deeper than my feet can wander. He's teaching me to walk on waters that threaten to drown me. I may flounder but I will never sink. (ps 37.23-24) this, the sickness of disappointment, is where my trust is made borderless. adventuresome fears are easier to trust God in, easier to leap into. fears of being left behind or unusable are much tougher. the places i think will create a trust without borders, are not really stretching, refining places. in those seas I could sail by my own power; or my faith would crack & fail because I think more highly of my strength than I ought. but here? here in the mundane, in the seemingly insignificant, in the temptation of "every time I'm *actually* most excited about something I lose it" place? this is where my faith loses some of its boundaries. this where God smudges the sharp edges of the boxes I use to contain Him. here my faith learns to separate expecting good thing...

dear child, I have an awful lot of questions. that I can't answer...maybe you can, but would you? i don't even know if you *can* give me a real answer. nobody else seems to have asked & i feel like if you'd thought of them, i wouldn't see so much shadow & confusion in your face. if I could... where is your heart? what are you thinking? i can't change it & I'm not gonna try. I just want to understand your thought process. what do you want? who are you? no really. what do you define yourself as, & by? what do you |want| to define you? (because what we want to, & what actually does; sometimes differ) {who} defines you? whose approval matters the most, and why is it so dear to you? _why are your eyes hollow_ why is your spirit defeated & stifled? why are you...lost? baby why oh why would you walk into darkness when you've fought so hard, when Christ suffered so much? can you forget the to sacrifices, both yours & His? the...

hi guys. good news! i am still here. bad news! i haven't had time to write out the how-God-drastically-changed-this-heart-and-why-i-now-have-a-tatt post. i really do intend to...i actually NEED to make the time. hopefuls for tonight? because i am one of those people who has to process her life. ya know, taking time out of it, thinking & compartmentalizing & doing the whole what is the big picture/story here that i don't see? kinda deal. (oh look. horrendously constructed, ultra confusing sentence for the day? done!) but what i do have time for is to slap up some pictures. i actually had this fantastical post written the night i did this (i think it was 3 weeks ago?) but i did it on my phone and cash deleted it. :( so this is the scrambled version but it beats nothing. i smile everytime i remembered this day so i thought i'd share the happy. a few weeks ago, i got off work around 2.30 in winter park and as i was driving by the I-4 ramp toward home, th...

of thoughts. scribbling them out in paper, prob post some but for now I just want to say. I am grateful for hard painful truth. for the strange way it gives solid comfort where pretty, nice, but not so much true words leave a bitter taste in my mouth. give me a sword to swing and I will fight to see light. but don't tell me the dragon is in my head. nor that the fight will not draw blood, lest I be overcome. dang I hate when I get all metaphorical and make no sense. {updating hours later} memories flood. Україна. sitting on the cement. several age 8- 12-looking like 8-10 under-nourished children scramble for crafts. they seem happy to have colours, glitter, markers. their faces are hungrier than thier stomachs. hungry for newness, for beauty; mostly for attention. hungry to be noticed. "good job!" & a hug. enough to light up one of those faces. (how rare is affirmation in this place...how can they have a concept of their value?) I am smiling & praising &...

that night, 2.3.12 I will never forget. it was full of ordinary things, the typical weekend night of an american female 20-something. 3 girls met up at Starbucks. took pictures. went to a civil wars concert. sat in the car for hours after; talking about Jesus n life & how those two meet & intertwine. but for me, it wasn't ordinary. ordinary at that time was panic attacks. fear, doubting my sanity, doubting my interpretation of scripture, doubting God's promises by wondering if His best for me involved me losing my mind. that night I felt...not stable. but at least able to fake it. I saw, for the first time potential that I might return to life before January. me & ok was real. in the future. I laughed out loud that night. damn i have great friends! it startled me. I was shocked i could laugh & yet. also shocked to realize I couldn't remember the last time I'd truthfully laughed out loud...Christmas? surely I laughed that day. it was one of the f...

where oh where to begin. i apologize in advance for the condensed rambling about to spew forth. i've wanted to write about 2012 and this song for months, actually. long before the new year. differing threads of connected thought have been tangling and aligning themselves in my head but i've had no time to write them. and i still don't. so in betwixt fixing mistakes already made in the first week of class (screw technology why can't i just use pencil & paper like the old days?!) i'm throwing a little mess here so i don't drown. usually i run out of words but these days, with no time to write and not truly conversing with anyone i have more thoughts-words in my head/heart than i am used too. i've also been a little bit... hesitant. vulnerability has not been my thing as of late. i've been reverting back to let's-protect-ourself-and-life-is-a.ok-but-not-amazing-as-it-could-be. its hard to see beauty when Christ is not center. ther...

God provides. He truly does. He's always given me adequate food clothing shelter. a family that has my back, with 3 pretty tight faithful siblings who never judge. solid "I know you're not alright it's bro time" besties, who love me in my mess. a church that taught me to get into the Word & showed me my need for Christ. an iPhone for free that I wasn't even asking for. but most importantly. HiMSELF. God has given me the greatest gift. "let not your hearts be troubled..." John 14.1 I know I've posted about this a ridiculous amount of times, but I forget. so often! I forget what a secure resting place my heart has. I forget what a powerful constant love I have to be my shield. I forget He is the greatest treasure. I forget how _rich_ I am, how satisfying it is when I'm drinking in the King's presence. I forget that His creating me, loving me, rescuing me; (all) endows this ragged orphan with value. I forget Ge does...

cooking is therapy. idk why, somehow the chopping, mixing & such calms my heart & settles my mind. Or lets me sort out my thoughts to the rhythmic motions of my hands. maybe that's it. it's the sort of thing i would never, EVER want to do for a living--cannot imagine spending all day or night in a hot stuffy kitchen without windows. blech. but if its been a hard day or week, i actually like cooking. especially good ole comfort southern food like cornbread. ooohh baby! so tonight i'm grateful for a little windowless apartment kitchen, for the mental capacity to use things like stoves & knives without damaging myself, for motor skills in hands that are healthy and functioning, for solitude, mostly for promises. i'm grateful for a God who has all things planned. for GOOD {romans 8--promise} for soveriegnty and infinite loving wisdom, which for me become peace. peace becase i dont' have to have anyhthign sorted out. not my thoughts or feelin...

tangled tangled heart. {and mind] lately. feel like i have lost all love music colour n light in me lately. (i haven't been pursuing Jesus.) slowly, gently God pulls back the layers of my heart... i'm listening to lies. lies from my own earthly self, lies of the enemy, lies implied by even those who are good friends but whose words lack God's perspective. why this struggle with things i thought conquered? why wars being waged on ground i never cared to even see before? why do i seem to be unrecognizable, as if every drop of light in me has been sucked into a void leaving only a skeleton? i feel i'm living in the frame of who i would have been had God not rescued changed renewed me. where are the signs of this spirit? i've been avoiding these questions because  well. i don't actually want answers. no thanks. ignorance prevents responsibility  i don't want to have a heart to heart with God. i'd rather be vaguely miserable and fake e...