wild melody

the first thanksgiving without Nana. 1)  i've been doing she reads truth, & thanksgiving i went back to  this devo  b/c it so richly and beautifully freed me to be authentic yet hopeful.  2) little man shared my quiet space {heart melt} 3) chasing "auntie b" and "auntie m" 4) Nana's thanksgiving plates --in the words of grandpa "she would be just tickled to see them used!" 5) Isaiah 9:2 i was dreading this day. ya know, the kind of dread that sits in your stomach like nausea. the kind of headache that comes from refusing to be human & cry. last thanksgiving was strange enough...we had a smaller feast at her house, even though she was too sick to eat anything. because that's what she wanted. there was an ache behind all of it--but also a gratitude for every moment spent with her. for every breath without pain, every wakeful moment of memories & jokes & the many ways we found to say "i love you"....

rough week. but last thursday, mum & i didn't think nana would live through the night and here she is doing better! praise Jesus for small miracles. there's been light, good moments. I want to focus on the beauty. so here are things I learned from spending every spare moment in Apopka with my dads family: 1) family means everything.  i didn't know how tight we really were. tragedy tears apart or brings together; we're together. of course, 4 sons with strong & different personalities plus 4 necessarily strong wives; there are bound to be a few small explosions... but. after the smoke clears, we pull together. division is not the lasting note. underneath it all there is strength & loyalty. I've been so impressed, encouraged, & grateful at the way my uncles & aunts & cousins dropped everything. they put their lives in wyoming & texas on pause. they've taken care of Nana and worked through rough days. everybody wants Nana to be happy. we ...

"long is the road that leads me home, longer still when I walk alone..." the flight from Kyiv all i think is how badly I want to be en route to Kharkiv. now that I'm in Amsterdam & there's no going back I suddenly have all the thoughts of home that I suppressed the last month flooding me at once. I'm a quarter of the way home...and all I want is to see hug tackle my family 20 minutes ago.  this is when I fiercly miss... EIGHTEEN (18)  HOUUURRRS!!!! 

the sister's artwork. love having artists in the fam! the real us. the camera kids bre & i went on a not so caroling walk hooray for the Christmas truth that Jesus Christ was born, died to cleanse us, and arose to keep us. the Christmas story is a story of mercy, extravagant love, and real peace. may we live in it all year long, and never forget the wonder & beauty of our Savior!

Sorry about the deadness around here. Fey is giving me quite a welcome. The last I saw of the sun was in Canada. I'm loving the 9 inches of cold rain. Except when the rain ends and the dense cloud cover acts as a sticky heat-intensifier. My sympathies to everybody powerless and flooded. Homeness. Good but crazy. I jumped right back into the pace of life. It never seemed so fast before. I feel like I'm merging onto the fl turnpike as everybody flies by doing 80mph in a car that won't get over 40. Glad God's grace isn't limited to major crises. I need it to survive normal life! Hooray for dependance. (coffee would def qualify as a means of common grace, btw) It's pleasant to be home with my fam. I feel slightly disconnected. Something to do with housesitting for three weeks then going far away to the north. They're pretty much the craziest, funniest, lovingest and sanctifyingest folks I know. I'm blessed. And they're a big part of why.

welcome home little sister. can't wait to hear about your crazy adventures with mira in the mountians of NC. I'm sure grassy lane will never be the same again...

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." romans 5.1-5 Mum, thank you for living out this verse. Thank for for living the gospel, loving the gospel, and teaching your kids the gospel. Thank you for being a living example of a Proverbs 31 woman. I love you. {{ps. this is not an obligatory holiday post. i wanted to do this one.}}

random photos from thansgiving at mum's parents with her sister and fam. be warned, there's nothing artistic. the kid table grandpa, bre & nate grandma with her "scarf" florida weather hungry {crazy} sisters n goofing off, joe, bre, mum the original thanksgiving folks grandpa's mug. (see, it's in the genes) lots of hilarious quotes from this game:"that's unfair! i'm a boy, how am i going to know how to draw mascara!? redraw!" i love my fam. they're hilarious. i was especially grateful for: 1. grandpa's "new leg" . he was free from his wheelchair and able to walk this year. 2. grandma's willingness to have the whole noisy crew over, and cook; depsite having chemo wednesday. i'm so blessed: 3 sets of grandparents. 2 parents. 3 siblings. godly friends in fl, tx, va, nc, new orleans, canada, and wales. God is good.

post script: even as i type, my fam is slumbering peacefully in a hotel on the south carolina/georgia line. tommorrow when i come home from work, i won't let myself into a quiet little house. i'm looking forward to a ginormous mess and more noise than i remember. plus a red maple leaf the kids brought home for me, so i can pretend to have a real fall. " happy thought indeed !" (thus end the missing-my-fam posts. sigh of relief from my few faithful readers.)

(they posed. after a long day of getting lost in downtown baltimore) (photocredit: mum.) Hi kids. 41 days. And counting. I'm homesick. Technically, as I am the one home; I think it's familysick. That sounds weird...anyway. Thank you Mum, Joe, Bre, and N for serving by going to upstate New York and taking care of great-grandma. Thanks for remembering your dad and "biglittlesister" that you left behind. We enjoyed the box of goodies. Enjoy the smell of fall in the air for me. And the sight of mountains. Say hi to the boys when you visit Aunt Lori. Bre: Don't bring home any snakes. There's a big fat one living in the garage sink drain and some small black racers in the hydrangeas. That should be plenty. Joe: Keep your chin up! "Cheerio, and all that sort". N: Keep everybody else laughing, 'k? I love ya'll. Dad and I aren't lonely. But we are sick of peaceful dinners. {{ps. i know the photos stink but they're the easiest to fi...

“ An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels…Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: ‘Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all… a women who fears the Lord is to be praised.” {prov. 31} Mom, thank you for all you’ve sown into my life. For raising me in a gospel-centered home. For becoming my best friend. For always being there to listen, for sharing long talks until 1AM. Thank you for never letting me continue in sin, but continually preaching the gospel. Thank you for all the laughter and our ‘dumb & dumber’ adventures. For taking my mistakes in stride-like when the route I choose on the atlas doesn't say the roads go ever deeper into ghetto Baltimore. (and f...

some random things I'm thankful for: Jesus the gospel getting off work early God's word music my fam cold weather the beks (+ my whole 2nd fam) yummy food cousins als canadians coffee good books sharpies seasons emma (job #1) michaela, alyssa, chloe, olivia (job #2) the lindseys driving down to hang with us dell and corning and last but not least...for God's sovereignty... and for new chemo treatments being effective. seriously, we have so much to thank God for. sometimes i think we forget how incredibly blessed we are. because we don't live in places like cuba or the streets of orlando; we look at all the things we can't or don't have. Rather than the wealth of blessings God has poured out on us. The fact that we can walk into a store like Publix and even have choices is mind-blowing to our brothers and sisters in some countries. i should live in a constant state of gratefulness--surely God's work on the cross is more than enough reason! have a good {am...

i miss these kids. jo the man, little snugly, & 'precious' bre. they should be home by 8pm. joyousness! ouch. i'm realizing those photos aren't very kind. i hardly had any to choose from. i'm thinking i didn't even take these ones. (my bros are making funny faces to entertain the californian's toddlers.) no photos of mum. at least none by herself. what is it with my fam and avoiding pictures? " Our hope in Christ for the future is the mainspring & the mainstay of our joy here. It will animate our hearts to think often of heaven, for all that we can desire is promised there. Here we are weary &toil worn, but yonder is the land of rest where the sweat of labour shall no more bedew the workers brow, & fatigue shall be forever banished...Here we are always in the field of battle; we are so tempted within, that we have little or no peace; but in heaven we shall enjoy the victory, where the banner shall be waved aloft in triumph, &the swo...

Tommorrow is Christmas Eve. It's one of my most favorite parts. Mum's side--aka Benjamin Clan--goes to her parent's house. There will be lots of food, laughter, and teasing. And a beautiful big christmas tree. (i love christmas trees) At some point, Lori and the boys will call from VA and we'll put them on speakerphone. And all talk at once. Yet understand each other. Haha. We'll talk about Christ's birth and such, and one of the guys will pray a looooong but good prayer while we all try not to think of the food. This year we have even more reason to be grateful: Grandma is alive and well enough to have us over, despite the ravages of chemotherapy. Thank God, I'M NOT SICK! So I can go, with the rest of my family. :) Many times I've prayed that she'd be well enough to see us. I'm so glad she has God to rely on. Indeed, I don't know how anybody can go through cancer and not utterly despair without Christ to rest in....off track. Meant to talk a...

today is the american thanksgiving holiday. i'm waiting for my parents to get ready and then we'll go up to apopka to my dad's mom& stepdad's house. (they're the wyoming relatives but they come down here nov.-april). So happy thanksgiving ya'll... w hat's thanksgiving like in canada? just curious...like why do you even have one? no pilgrims...how can you be thankful? down here we eat alot of food, watch football, play football, track dirt in the house, get together with all of your relatives and have a blast talking too loud and laughing at eachother. And if you're Christians, then hopefully you take some time to thank God for the blessings He's given you, and maybe thank some people. This year I'm thankful for alot of friendships didn't have last year: like the Sczebels and Cairneys in Canada, the Cornfields in Corning, New York; and others I've met here in Fl. outishness...