wild melody

{Kiev, Ukraine. 2012} I don’t remember the name of the cathedral where I took this crooked picture. I was on a twisty stone staircase & stuck my canon out the window slot hoping it would focus decently in 15 seconds. I do remember the 25 minute walk south back to my apartment. & the Ukrainians, strangers to me but friends of my companion, who joined us. Especially Serge. He jumped into the deep end and began a conversation about culture & its impact on identity. I remember grasping some and wondering how much was lost in translation: he saying that Ukrainians are a giant slightly-fractured family, connected by language & history; me explaining how regions and states greatly influence our identities as Americans & how strange it feels to be from such a young country. I remember sweat making my sandals slippery. I remember statues of men who made history before my nation’s continent was even discovered. I remember passing a former KGB building, a testimon...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooiwXyo4N9s  oh my dear Ukraine. my heart is breaking as Kyev burns. i know Independence Square well, I've walked those streets and sat on the curb exhausted with coffee from Coffee House in my hand. I've been in St Michael's. how i love this country... if i had any medical training i would be on a plane to Kyev now. literally,  i'd be on my way: here  . i'm ashamed at the way our government has let others maneuver the political field in this situation, how we have not made any counter offers or helped negotiations move toward the people being heard. i never thought i would see the day when we only cared for a "democracy" of name only, when it was in our own interests. how can we the free not help those who know what it's like to live oppressed? God forgive us. this is my theme song today, shared with me by a good friend who loves Ukraine as well. (i see fire by ed sheeran)

I had a realization while in Wyoming. i saw my heart in the land, and it gave fresh perspective. My writing skills are rusty as hey. but i'ma try to write it down at least for myself. it's been a few weeks, & I need to remember.  the day before the funeral was freezing--literally, around 17f-- but I needed physical space to work my mental knots out. so Nate & I went for a walk in my aunt & uncle's neighborhood. it's the kind you'd expect to find on a prairie outside Cheyenne, Wyoming. no streetlights. no sidewalks. long driveways. acres of land between houses, usually with a barn & or round pens. the street signs seem out of place. as if the houses are there by permission of the prairie, but the street signs are intrusive. the land can be inhabited; but street signs bring a sense of taming & ownership that can never be truly believed. the prairie is not tame-able. that tangent probably doesn't make sense to anybody but me (which is w...

 " my heart, is my keep; and you are threatening me...oh myyy you're the one, I've been holding out for; for so damn long..."  (empires// jukebox the ghost) oh Ukraine. i don't understand. i don't know what to think about you. logic cannot explain how i feel, or even what i think. i'm not sure what i truly think --haven't made time to *really* sort it out. i'm scared. why this crazy magnetic pull? even with your harsh abrasiveness, coldness, the vast depth of language/thought pattern barrier, the ways you make my strengths look disadvantageous & don't value some of the deepest things God created in me; i adore you. there are ways you hurt me. but it drives me to Jesus. oh you make me laugh! my lack of ability to cross those culture walls? at times frustrating as hell. but it drives me to honest self-assessment of what is truly good vs desired, what is biblical vs cultural. you're not easy to love, but i never have been either...

"long is the road that leads me home, longer still when I walk alone..." the flight from Kyiv all i think is how badly I want to be en route to Kharkiv. now that I'm in Amsterdam & there's no going back I suddenly have all the thoughts of home that I suppressed the last month flooding me at once. I'm a quarter of the way home...and all I want is to see hug tackle my family 20 minutes ago.  this is when I fiercly miss... EIGHTEEN (18)  HOUUURRRS!!!! 

sometimes, I battle regret. fiercely. usually I'm pretty confident in my decisions once they've been made. I've grown in receiving grace & walking away from my mistakes once I own them. I don't second-guess my actions much anymore, I don't reply conversations wishing I'd said differently. but today...aiy aiy.  today has been good. so beautiful this morning. answered prayer in quiet time with Abi's Hebrews recommendation. but so...painful. the sharp healing cut of God's Word. revealing. good hurt, like ripping off a bandaid to find the wound is healing but still stings.  this morning I had a revelation I wish I'd had the first week. so simple! so clear as I was praying. if I'd taken more time alone--truly alone, still--before God I would have seen it sooner. how could I be so blind?! how proud I have been. how grasping of good things that seemed pure. but I forgot in all my praying to submit. I forgot how to actually   release worry, fear, des...

can't believe I've spent the past 13 days in Ukraine// Kiev & orphan camp 1. my heart is happy to be here, missing littles from Gordanya, & a little apprehensive about what's next. please continue to pray for elizabeth & i, the HFO team, for the kids, spiritual strength & discernment, cultural understanding & grace to .think. _before I speak? grateful: _for_  Jesus.  prayers!  chance to be here.  awesome HFO team.  10 days with a fantastic American team. Elizabeth.  baby Ivanshko.  coffee!  the metro.  thunderstorms mightier than any I've seen yet.  beauty.  culture misunderstandings that keep me humble.  language barriers that force me to be creative & work at communicating. showers. Ukrainian ice cream comrade's journal// ( Kyev) 

tom petty, some mat kearney... modern day drifter & something that wild on repeat. the only time i felt ok today was driving the truck with all windows down. wish i could write out the restlessness in my heart. it won't stop the ADHD of my soul, but maybe it'll ease, if i try. ever since i was small, i'd get these fierce restless moods. i feel trapped. & i don't want to take it out on those i love so i tend to withdraw. i need to be alone, so i don't bite anybody's head off. cause i can't sit still & i can't do small talk & i can't keep my mind in the present. i forget to ask Jesus for self control & love. i'm try explain what i mean by restless: physical_spiritual_mental. i mean, i always have a bit of wildness in me. but feeling wild doesn't always involve restlessness. it's different. i want to be anywhere but where i am. i can't breathe deep. its not that i want to leave the people i love. it's not...

I love traveling by myself. I mean, I love traveling period! :) don't get me wrong, I am a huge fan of the bonding & camaraderie that develops en route to another country with teammates. (Short group flights are just boring, lets road trip those instead) when you've got multiple airports & a bunch of exhausted excited people it's hilarity waiting to happen! you also get to see how folks respond in tense or high stress situations when they're tired. good things to know pre-mission haha. so that's prob second fave flying... flying solo. there's a sense of freedom, possibility & adventure when one is alone that isn't there any other time. it's my favorite! I love watching people & creating stories from clues about where they're going. I love one-time conversations with strangers about where they are from/going & why. I thank God for Starbucks, wifi & books. speaking of...the guy in the last plane was reading a book called crea...

of thoughts. scribbling them out in paper, prob post some but for now I just want to say. I am grateful for hard painful truth. for the strange way it gives solid comfort where pretty, nice, but not so much true words leave a bitter taste in my mouth. give me a sword to swing and I will fight to see light. but don't tell me the dragon is in my head. nor that the fight will not draw blood, lest I be overcome. dang I hate when I get all metaphorical and make no sense. {updating hours later} memories flood. Україна. sitting on the cement. several age 8- 12-looking like 8-10 under-nourished children scramble for crafts. they seem happy to have colours, glitter, markers. their faces are hungrier than thier stomachs. hungry for newness, for beauty; mostly for attention. hungry to be noticed. "good job!" & a hug. enough to light up one of those faces. (how rare is affirmation in this place...how can they have a concept of their value?) I am smiling & praising &...

since i have the intention of doing many more trips like ukraine in the future, and people always want to hear about stories/pictures etc. i made a blog for them. i'll be doing my ukraine posts over there: goingforlove.blogspot.com for now there's a slideshow over there. because my heart needs this space to be free and vent and exhale. and i can't do that if i keep feeling i need to write about ukraine. and also i can't really be sending ok i don't *want* to be sending many people to this spot. ((this is where my heart in all its rawness is free to explode with no fear or worry of judgement or assessment. as much as humanly possible i write here as if nobody ever reads it. thanks to the few who do, and still love me! haha. but seriously. everybody needs a _space_ to be freee from feeling [boxed] into society expectations. or church expectations. or conformity in general. just sayin'. rant over.))

i know. i'm way behind. i intend to set up a separate blog for my travels, and i'll be posting pictures and ukraine stories there. just trying to get into a rhythm of school + work, with time for fam & Jesus. and the very best friend that is moving away in 6 weeks. i can't process. i just get snatches of time here n there; and i'm already a s-l-o-w processor...tiiiiiiiiime. everything takes time! if i were to try & write bout Ukraine now...it'd be a mess. children, stories, american/ ukrainian teams...the beautiful resilient country with its shattering history and rising from ashes...can't separate things from the effect they wrought in my heart just yet so all that crap would be mixed in... God used Ukraine events to stir up in me and ugliness He revealed in my heart and i know it's to turn it into beauty. but honestly, having a hard time seeing beauty right now. just a season. growing pains. sigh. ((ps. theme song of t...

lost. i feel lost. here i sit in my room, a different girl then the one who left 3 weeks ago for Ukraine. (3 weeks? are we sure it wasn't 3 months, or years even? did we really only do 2 orphan camps?) i want to burn the furniture, tear everything off my door & rebuild from scratch. i missed my beautiful family but i was not ready to leave...was i really walking the streets of Kyiv just  27 hrs ago? i have seen so much . i've been punched, smacked, loved, bruised, hugged, bitten, kissed, tackled, peed on, adored, blessed beyond measure. i've been heartwrenched, ecstatic, humbled, scared, used by God, convicted, challenged, blessed, confused, broken. i've seen inhuman treatment of children that i cannot comprehend. i've seen some of the most beautiful hearts Jesus ever created in His people & seen Christ shine through them. i've loved freely as God loves through me, and i have held back love i ought to have shared. i've felt the bravery God's...

well here we go! idk that anybody reads this besides abi, who's going with me...but just in case. i am off to the mountains of western Ukraine to hang out with orphans. =) craziness...funny who God uses no? please pray for our teams, both ukrainian and american that we'd have unity, humility, servant's hearts, physical/spiritual protection, and strength. and most of all, please pray that God captures the hearts of the kids! pray that we can show them the love of God, that He will give them faith to believe in a good God despite the difficult circumstances they will still have to endure, regardless of whether they believe or not. THANK YOU sooo much! our God does the impossible! see ya in mid august.

N and I share an affection for Indiana Jones & Lego's . So I took his Lego Indy with me to Eire. He lost his fedora and whip, but had a marvelous time so we're still friends... He played the balloon game with us in Chicago: toured dublin hung out in a lil surf town explored the Cliffs of Moher enjoyed Killarney National Park... & hot cocoa in Lahinch!

Our 5th day, Paddy's (aka john) cold from the day before became a horridness of sick. No driving allowed. He slept the whole day. Beks wasn't feeling well either. Sarah, Steph, Luke and I couldn't bear to spend the day inside (even if it was an irish cottage) so we went on a walking tour. After exploring countryside, chasing sheep and climbing fences for photoshoots in ruins; Lo and behold, we were practically on top of the Burren! Rock + ocean + gorgeous views... Even the rainy days have a sunrise in Eire. Poor Patrick. :( I left my camera behind because the lens cap ran off with a leprechaun. These pics are from our resident Galen Rowell, Luke. "Our" castle. Exploring the Burren. This little cave/hollow place was incredible. You could hear waves crashing into the rock face, the winds blew incessantly into it. It was also littered with shredded cheese and seaweed-like soggy pretzels. The fantastic four! :) It rained our whole walk home. Steph sang for us. Soaking...

We saw an entire rainbow. It was more vibrant than any Florida rainbow... I don't get the appeal, but the guys really wanted thier picture at the end of the rainbow...we didn't find skittles or pots of gold. Dingle Harbor.