(learning .steadfastness.

the cry of my heart

2012-01-27T12:01:00.003-05:00

TRUST in the LORD with ALL your HEART,
and do not lean on your own understanding.

In ALL your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones...

My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline
or be weary of his reproof,

for the LORD reproves him whom he LOVES,
as a father the son in whom he delights.

O Father, do this work in me! continue to reveal when i am placing my hope in myself, in circumstances, in others. lead me to repentance, and sing over me louder than the devil's lies of condemnation. thank you that when i come to you, i am forgiven. freely, immediatly, forever! justified by grace. sanctified by grace. please, give me a heart that loves you and rests in your Soveriegn goodness. i need you. i cannot help myself, i cannot make myself rest.

O God, thank you! i believe You are leading me to a sweet place of rest. of trusting, of joy, of peace. oh the thought of peace...

blathering

2012-01-21T00:38:00.007-05:00

i'm seeing a bit of my Father's purpose. its heart-wrenchingly good. He's revealing deep-rooted sin. painfully relieving. like poison being drawn out, it's a deep healing that hurts awfully but will be the end of the wound. i absolutely cannot continue in the lies i believe. but i absolutely cannot free myself. He must!

oh! if i come to be fully surrendered, no price is too great! if i come to truly love God, how worth it! if He will take mental assent, intellectual belief & impart it to my halting, self-reliant, security-seeking heart! I need HiM to break strongholds of fear & doubt in my mind. the question of His goodness, can i really trust Him? is a battle i've won in my head. but now it gets to the core of my being. & my heart is unsure of Him whom i have believed.

i don't doubt He has saved me! i have far too many proofs. i've seen Jesus, i've believed His love & loved Him (but poorly). if sure of salvation (my greatest need!) logic says i can be sure of the rest. ah, but God wants more than logical conclusions. He wants faith. news flash: i cannot move truth from head to heart. CANNOT. not in a cop-out, oh hey i'm going to lay around in my sin way. no, my sin is literally killing me & suffocating every good thing in life. i'd do anything to be free but i can't "do" anything. aaahh mental breakdown! it's a process, & my Father has perfect loving timing. HE must do it. that is terrifying, when it should be comforting. someday it will be!

i feel like i'm having spiritual triple bypass surgery. even though i had a dim awareness of these things, i'm seeing the havoc they wreak on me in a greater depth. i see my heart:

*has functionally set itself up as God and defined "goodness".

-which results in taking on responsibility for everything & everyone around me. carrying burdens that are God's. striving with Him. no peace, no rest, no joy.

*is having a crises of faith that only divine intervention will solve.

-i see and repent of a new lie everyday. lies about His character, His glory, etc.

*i live as if i earn everything after salvation.

"you've been working too hard, & God is saying stop! my burden is easy..."

now i believe in justification by faith. NO way i could earn my salvation! never a thought of trying to pay God that debt. but sanctification? that's by damaris. Jesus dies to save me, then everything after is my job. HOW have i not seen this before?!

"Let me ask you only this: did you the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?" (gal 3)

He is faithful. He forgives when we repent! i've cast myself on His mercy. now i have to learn to just follow. trust that HE will keep me from slipping back into my old ways. it's like learning to think all over again! sweet sweet news, Christ died for all my sins AND every obedience. ALL the good things I have in Christ? FREE. imparted by God just as salvation. sanctification is HIS work. i just rest. He will do this work. and every work hereafter. He has brought me to the utter end of myself. (well, i've thought that a few times before this lol. i guess when one has a will as stubborn as mine there is an awful lot of levels one must be broken on) but this is surely the most intense yet. i am grateful, for i know. the FREEDOM JOY LIBERTY PEACE & ASSURANCE OF HIS LOVE that He will pour in as a result will be like nothing i've known before. i have prayed and longed for rest, for true peace. i cannot have true peace until i am His.

i will look back on this one day and say, "here is why i know, not just in my head, but in every fiber of myself, that my Jesus is good." & i just had to get that out. but i can't focus on what God is doing in me or i get overwhelmed, overthinking, freak out. i just want to focus on Him. On his LOVE for me. it's all that holds me up right now.

2012-01-19T15:07:00.002-05:00

In you, O LORD, do I take refuge;

let me never be put to shame;

in your righteousness deliver me!

Incline your ear to me;

rescue me speedily!

Be a rock of refuge for me,

a strong fortress to save me!

For you are my rock and my fortress;

and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me;

you take me out of the net they have hidden for me,

for you are my refuge.

Into your hand I commit my spirit;

you have redeemed me, O LORD, faithful God.

I hate those who pay regard to worthless idols,

but I trust in the LORD.

I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,

because you have seen my affliction;

you have known the distress of my soul,

and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;

you have set my feet in a broad place.

Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;

my eye is wasted from grief;

my soul and my body also.

For my life is spent with sorrow,

and my years with sighing;

my strength fails because of my iniquity,

and my bones waste away...

But I trust in you, O LORD;

I say, “You are my God.”

My times are in your hand;

rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors!

Make your face shine on your servant;

save me in your steadfast love!

O LORD, let me not be put to shame,

for I call upon you...

Oh, how abundant is your goodness,

which you have stored up for those who fear you

and worked for those who take refuge in you,

in the sight of the children of mankind!

In the cover of your presence you hide them

from the plots of men;

you store them in your shelter

from the strife of tongues.

Blessed be the LORD,

for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me

when I was in a besieged city.

I had said in my alarm, “I am cut off from your sight.”

But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy

when I cried to you for help.

Love the LORD, all you his saints!

The LORD preserves the faithful

but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.

Be strong, and let your heart take courage,

all you who wait for the LORD!
((psalm 31.1-10, 14-17a, 19-24))

(hello january)

2012-01-13T17:13:00.004-05:00

writing is hard these days.

((honestly, everything is hard these days. not because of trial or tragedy but just mentally. life is work. "these days" being the past week & a half))

i write to be honest. if there is one thing this space is, it's the corner of my world where i don't restrain myself. i let my heart & mind breathe & exhale. i try to preach back to it some truth when it is going it's own wrong way. i hope God makes His work known & seen! yet i know there is much of sin & ugliness here. i don't say all the right things. even though i know them and fight to believe them, it doesn't seem honest to say what i am failing to live. i admit idolatry & doubting faithlessness. oh, but does that not prove how very very faithful He is? that He still loves-saves-keeps this child...i am still under construction. still putting off my nasty old self, and learning how to put on my new loving one. i'm becoming a better reflection of Christ--but all by His work. sometimes I stubbornly resist. anyway.

point being: not much to say, when you are committed to honesty; and unsure of most things.

i am unsure of my mind.

i'm not sure if things i think and feel really ARE the things i think and feel. these days. lol not because i don't know myself, but cause i do; (or thought i did) and often what comes out of my mouth surprises me. i don't feel like me at all.

i'm not sure what's going on with my body or my mind.

not sure what God is doing in my heart. through this.

not sure what is physiological, what is spiritual. not sure how this whole mind-body-soul thing, this being that is physical, mental, emotional AND spiritual called damaris rae wells is supposed to work. fairly sure it is broken. not sure how, where or why. definitely unsure how it will be fixed. a little frightened. a lot unwell.

but.

there are a few things i am still CERTAiN of. what a lovely word, certainty!

God is GOOD. always, better-than-i-can-fathom good. the embodiment of goodness itself.

HE defines goodness. i do not. i can trust His definition to be better than mine.

God is SOVEREIGN. He sees all of me. He knows what is wrong, even if doctors don't. He is my Creator and my Healer. He holds me together. even when i seem to be falling completely apart, He still sustains my soul.

He is FAITHFUL. He will never never never EVER let me go. no matter what. i know Whom i have believed, and i will see His face. not only will i make it, i have a future of purpose and fruitfulness on earth. He does not save a life only to let it be wasted.

He keeps His promises. every prophecy about the Messiah? met. completed. every promise for redemption, healing, salvation? finished with the life-death-resurrection of Jesus Christ. THAT proves that my God keeps His word. every single Word of His is truth. every promise will be kept, and i am now a child of the promise! (romans & hebrews)

those are absolute truths. i am not always sure of them. not mentally, or emotionally. i wonder, i doubt, "how do i know?" but. their existence is not dependent on my belief!! they are true whether i "know" or not. they are as solid, more so even, as the very ground i live on. i fight to be sure. and my soul knows. my heart has absolute faith in the One Who loves it. it doesn't need any further proof. even when i haven't the ability to pray for myself, i have a tiny spark of peace & hope deep down. God has me.

those truths are what i cling to when i feel i'm losing my mind. when i can't think a single coherent thought. when i have no reason to cry, but i'm physically & mentally incapable of self control and so i sob. (feel like an idiot. but i'm too tired to get mad at myself anymore. it doesn't give me any control over my tears lol) "God is good" shines through panic like a deep, even breath. it's strength in my utter helpless weakness. its a steady beam of light that cuts through tempest winds & dark dark rain. that truth alone, is an anchor i can grasp. it keeps me from drowning--i may *feel* like i'm upside down in a kayak in the middle of the ocean during a hurricane. but somehow, i know i won't drown. there is a good purpose. i'll be grateful, someday.

i can't see how. but i don't have to.

this will turn out for my deliverance.

hope

2011-12-26T19:16:00.005-05:00

"in your offspring shall all the nations of the earth be blessed..."

((God's promise to Abraham in Genesis 22))

“Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD:

though your sins are like scarlet,

they shall be as white as snow;

though they are red like crimson,

they shall become like wool."

((isaiah 1.18))

In the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a city of Galilee named Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. And the virgin's name was Mary. And he came to her and said, “Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!” But she was greatly troubled at the saying, and tried to discern what sort of greeting this might be. And the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. And the Lord God will give to him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.”

(luke 2)

The LORD saw it, and it displeased him

that there was no justice.

He saw that there was no man,

and wondered that there was no one to intercede;

then his own arm brought him salvation,

and his righteousness upheld him.

He put on righteousness as a breastplate,

and a helmet of salvation on his head;

he put on garments of vengeance for clothing,

and wrapped himself in zeal as a cloak...And a Redeemer will come to Zion,

to those in Jacob who turn from transgression,” declares the LORD.

(isaiah 59)

And as was his custom, he went to the synagogue on the Sabbath day, and he stood up to read. And the scroll of the prophet Isaiah was given to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where it was written,

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives
and recovering of sight to the blind,
to set at liberty those who are oppressed,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.”

And he rolled up the scroll and gave it back to the attendant and sat down. And the eyes of all in the synagogue were fixed on him. And he began to say to them, “Today this Scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing.”

((luke 4))

Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows, yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his wounds we are healed.
All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned—every one—to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

(isaiah 53)

that's what christmas is all about. the cross and ressurrection too of course! but these are the passages i have been drawn too. i've been meditating often this holiday season on the mystery and truth that Jesus is mine. i have the greatest treasure! a treasure so grand, vast, majestic; my mind cannot begin to grasp its worth. Jesus. He is my all in all. my Redeemer, He who paid the debt i earned & my Ransom. my Messiah. He who sets me free! Who breaks my bonds apart again and again. my Healer. my Wonderful Counselor and Comfort. my Compassionate High Priest, who intercedes before the throne of grace. my Joy. the Lover of my soul, who woos me back when i wander. Faithful One, Promise-keeper.

i have ALL i need! i don't always believe this <<. i think that i lack. i forget to find my satisfaction in Him. i feel needs real and unreal, & i don't run to Him to be the source or provide or show me where that need is uneeded or met. i am faithless. but, HE is not. He always meets me, saves me, frees me with love. He is my source for all delight!! even His amazingly good gifts are meant to point me back to the One who is better than anything and anyone earthly. My God embodies goodness.

oh to believe this more fully!

i love this crazy life

2011-12-18T18:13:00.003-05:00

joy in the little things...just wanted another spot of sunshine. there are so many little ways God shows His unmerited love and favor to me. and as mum says, "you have more favorites than any other girl in the world." it's true! how can i not when so much of life has hidden treasures? six year olds, we are just so easily amused... ;)

FAMiLY. ooohh how i adore them! crazy adhd artistic blunt honest sarcastic goofy loving got-your-back loyal hilarious. they are the bestest people i know.

in christ alone. k hymns in general. well some hymns in general...yeah.

eric church's voice. idk why, i have this thing for voices...certain ones i fall in love with and i can't help it. even if they're not the best.

eire. and all things irishness, so grateful one-eighth of my blood is irish...we're proud stubborn people, but Jesus still loves us.

the hours right before sunset, when everything is bathed in golden shadow.

car dancing/singing at the top of my lungs with bre.

Philippians. oh make me a soul as content, joyful and satisfied in YOU alone as paul, O Lord.

sharpies. all kinds.

a green and yellow football jersey. superbowl mvp, sparkly #12, yeah that'd be aaron rodgers...we wear the same clothes on sunday afternoons. ;)

nailpolish. not a fan of how it feels on my fingers. but how fun is it to paint colour on yourself?!

"Christ is risen from the dead, trampling over death by death! come awake, come awake, come and rise up from the grave, Christ is risen from the dead, we are one with Him again!"

mhhmm. thank you Jesus that there will always be beauty in life. may i always see Your goodness no matter how rough the road You lead me on.

sunday's song

2011-12-13T16:33:00.004-05:00

theme song of sunday:
lifehouse, broken.

The broken clock is a comfort,
it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting
though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best,
like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning
you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded,
I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection
inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose,
they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart,
I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still beating
In the pain is there healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on I'm still holdin', I'm holdin' on,
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK ...

sunday was rough. to put it mildly.
i want to write about the glorious peace Jesus poured into me yesterday...but for the sake of honesty. sunday was first. victories don't come without blood. joy isn't appreciated nearly as much when it has not been made sweeter by sorrow.

sunday was nothing but pain. crying, feeling stupid, asking God to let me have some pretense of ok, falling apart again, really God? this is ridiculous. crashing again, okay Lord. i get it. i'm Yours, i'm not fighting... irrationally sobbing and hating myself and literally feeling like the bones in my chest were going to crack from the force. ick. shaming much? except that's where Jesus meets us!

first, a quick vent/rant sesh: eric did NOT break my heart.
implying that he wronged me or took my heart and broke it is a surefire way to piss me off. def don't advise it lol. its NOT true! i'm not saying that b/c i still like him. (even though i do...but God is the only one who can stop what He started. I can't. I pray His will be done, willing and waiting for Him to work. prob the first time in my entire life that I've truly rested, with no ounce self-sufficiency! it is. amazing.) i don't say it b/c i'm trying to protect him like girls do. here's the deal: God shattered me. b/c i still was keeping a part of myself safe. from God and everybody else. i needed this kind of clean cut. i needed a pain that was all my own, one where i wouldn't shut down to be strong for others. i needed to know God was crushing me to heal me. i know that i know that i know that i was sposed to date eric. he didn't sweep me off my feet or make promises. i didn't know how to guard or not guard my heart so i gave it to God. i got in a little deeper than i wanted haha. all part of God's plan! i'd do it again, with the same outcome. b/c i see some of God's purpose. i love the fruit that will come forth. Jesus is making my heart more HIS. even more FREE. more able to love the broken. more aware of how He treasures me. had i not dated eric, i would still believe i was a scarred mess. still be hiding behind my walls and armour. still think i deserve an abusive relationship. my picture of God's RICH love for me, of how beautiful He really is, would be less complete than it is now.

i don't know why God chose to use this to shatter me. lol i thought that i had logicialized it enough, prepared enough, that i wouldn't feel pain.
ooohh foolish gentile.
He has, and i am grateful.
shattered,
to be made whole.

crazy! i know, i sound like a masochist...but i'm not.

i feel whole. i do! i don't feel like a wreck! i'm not broken, i'm being healed. i'm past the tearing part and into the sewing up part. ooohhh hallelujah.
(okay, some monday just HAD to sneak in there!)

thank you Jesus for loving me enough to break me. this little wild mustang is now a broke horse. but oddly enough, it's the most free i have ever felt.

praying out loud.

2011-12-10T16:22:00.002-05:00

Hi Father,
thank you for revealing frailty in me. on a level i have never allowed you to touch. thank you for crushing me, to reveal a fragrance i did not know You had built in me. thank you for emotional vulnerability. Lord i hate that concept. the very words make me tense, but you are changing that. ha, ha-as i am powerless to control these feelings, powerless to stop them. i could suck it up and pretend. thank you that You don't want me to! Thank you that You understand and have created me in Your image. YOU have emotions Lord, therefore i must. You are not frail in Yours-but i am human. i am tempted to despise myself, to harden my heart, to fake it. i'm tempted to pretend it is godly self-control to lock this empty ache inside, to not allow tears when i feel ripping pain deeper than any i have experienced. to act as if the void in my chest isn't pressing against my sternum some days with such force i'm surprised it hasn't cracked. Lord you are showing me you don't want self control. you want me. all of me. you want venerability. you want me to feel. to stay soft. to be weak. to admit i have pain, and be biblical. to be like david, who knew that God's truths do not always stop the pain or take it away, but give a reason to live through it. to rejoice in truth when you don't see it!

i can be human, and not sin. i am learning that my attempts to fortify my heart and deny pain in the name of "joy" and "self control" is running. is an attempt to morphine myself out of this place where i feel pathetic. those are sins! of pride, control, distrusting you and watching my own back. allowing myself to feel, is humility. allowing myself to break, is trusting You. NOT attempting to put myself back together, fix it or stop the breaking, is admitting my utter dependence on You. trust. is love. loving you in a new way that makes noo sense to me...how You could view this as good is beyond me. How you could love a wreck, is amazing. How it is that I am more wrecked then i have been, but i don't feel the old woundedness. How i could be so hurt by you when i thought i was prepared is revealing.

but somehow, i KNOW. i know i am where you want me most when i am sobbing on my knees and giving you the pain, asking you to take the missingness; and believing You've got an astounding dawn with lots of colour just waiting for me to fly to someday. when we are through this. How is it, that in pain, for the first time since i was 16, i am beginning to feel whole? we are going to be tighter than ever as a result of this. what a strange gift.
be still my soul, and see what a loving generous Father is yours!!

genesis 22

2011-12-10T15:44:00.002-05:00

God tested Abraham and said to him, "Abraham!" And he said, "Here am I." He said, "Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you." So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac. And he cut the wood for the burnt offering and arose and went to the place of which God had told him. On the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes and saw the place from afar. Then Abraham said to his young men, "Stay here with the donkey; I and the boy will go over there and worship and come again to you." And Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering and laid it on Isaac his son. And he took in his hand the fire and the knife. So they went both of them together. And Isaac said to his father Abraham, "My father!" And he said, "Here am I, my son." He said, "Behold, the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?" Abraham said, "God will provide for himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son." So they went both of them together.

When they came to the place of which God had told him, Abraham built the altar there and laid the wood in order and bound Isaac his son and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. Then Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to slaughter his son. But the angel of the LORD called to him from heaven and said, "Abraham, Abraham!" And he said, "Here am I." He said, "Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me." Abraham lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, behind him was a ram, caught in a thicket by his horns. And Abraham went and took the ram and offered it up as a burnt offering instead of his son. So Abraham called the name of that place, "The LORD will provide"; as it is said to this day, "On the mount of the LORD it shall be provided."

And the angel of the LORD called to Abraham a second time from heaven and said, "By myself I have sworn, declares the LORD, because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you, and I will surely multiply your offspring as the stars of heaven and as the sand that is on the seashore. And your offspring shall possess the gate of his enemies, and in your offspring shall all the nations of the earth be blessed, because you have obeyed my voice." So Abraham returned to his young men, and they arose and went together to Beersheba..."

I've always loved this story, but is especially dear to me these days. Abraham and Hannah, I wish I could meet them for coffee! I feel I understand them somewhat better these days. My circumstances are VASTLY different!! But. I relate. To Hannah, in her barrenness. Like her, there are things I long for that God has not seen fit to answer. Yet I have faith--must have faith--that He will. I must take my burdens, cast them, and leave with joy that He hears me. Every morning. Yet in another circumstance, I am like her in the surrender of the very thing she prayed to receive. There was an area God saw fit to answer. I've been unsure whether it was mine to have or mine to give. His answer has been to give. There is a relief in letting go, but also a pain. A natural ripping of my heart. I doubt Hannah felt nothing as she left her son year after year with Eli. I cling to the verse where God gave Hannah 5 more children. After she gave Him the one, the first and seemingly only one, she had. That resonates with me...my God is generous!!

I relate to Abraham, as I've found myself in the position of offering something sacrificial. I've been here before. Only it is much harder than it has ever been. This is my Isaac. The adjectives "love" and "only" are more profound in v.2 than ever before. I know them well.

Abraham, how I want to learn from you. He was listening for the Lord's voice. He obeyed immediately, without questioning. He had faith that God would restore Isaac to him. God would keep His promise. BUT. Abraham did not see how. Maybe he thought Sarah would get pregnant again, or God would resurrect Issac, or Isaac would not be burned by the fire. Nobody knows what thoughts went through his mind...nobody knows if he had only joy & trust, or if it was a battle. nobody knows if he felt sick or had to shut off his emotions as he took that knife in his hand. Did he weep tears of joy and relief? Did he fall on his face when the angel appeared? we don't know. but we do know he was human. imperfect. made in the image of God, with the frailty of humanity and emotions just like us.
i forget this.
i forget that abraham was not always a man of faith and power. i forget that he felt. he obeyed with trust. but he did not see the ending. indeed, the Lord's generous promise that a descendant of his would bless the entire world? abraham died long before that came true. it was over 400 years later!

Lord, give me this kind of trust.

2011-12-05T17:28:00.007-05:00

friday}

tension

waiting, waiting, knowing pain is coming, dreading but knowing it is necessary

like a dead tree limb, waiting for the axe

NO!!! i can't do this

its not about you.

*&^!? i am in this just as much! it's equally about me as it is them...

is it?

how selfish are you?

yes. i can.

i can i will i must

for them, its best.

surrender.

letting go. tears, 9am-1am

peace.

foreknowledge provides strength. i will take the axe silently.

i can so do this, for them

saturday}

maybe not...

yes.

blank. waiting.

closing eyes. don't think.

sunday}

wrestling, intensely gripping something anything to be silent, calm, loving

to love is to cut my heart out

maybe not today.

today

i can't!

just hold it in

it wont stay in

drowning.

help help HELP!

let me up Lord! let me just get a breath of air!

just let me be calm, let me hold it together

just for the next 15 minutes

please. please. please Jesus

cracking. the answer is no.

why must i be vulnerable even now?

didn't we already do this? didn't i already let go/surrender/give this up?

why does it hurt so much then?

i thought i got the pain out...

i feel like you are holding me under Lord

foreknowledge doesn't do shit.

regrets. failing. weakness.

ache. ripping ache, wonderings

is this really You?

monday}

can.not.breathe.

Jesus

(inhale)

*ouch

thank you

(exhale)

*ouch.

for pain.

that will (*ouch) bring me to You (*ouch) that much closer. for answering the prayers that Your will be done. for loving me, for not despising me, for seeing that my heart longs to glorify you. Jesus i want to do your will. more than mine. i want to respond well, i want to make You beautiful...but the pain! i cannot deny this. for the very first time in my life. there is no faking it in the beginning. no getting it sorted out before i feel. no walls of logic. oh God thank you for understanding that this seems unendurable.

(maybe it only hurts when if i breathe)

lungs swelled, oxygen & carbon dioxide mingling in a rare moment of stilled breath...

don't let it out, don't take any in

*no relief. still burns

there is no such thing as preparation.

Jesus is too kind to allow steeled hearts to stay cold.

keeping it real*

2011-12-02T14:08:00.004-05:00

i'm caving in. today's theme: yellow shirt. again. sigh...it just is! LOL been trying to wear yellow allll day, i've been fighting it. but nope. today i'm wearing gray, and that's alright. some days just are that way, and it doesn't mean God isn't good or i'm lacking joy. i don't have to pretend. i can fight lies and talk truth to myself and find things to rejoice in. but i can still admit while doing so that it is just a fragile, broken day. that i don't feel the truth i preach. that i don't put stock in my feelings, but neither do i deny them.

i don't have to deny the crushing to fake joy...i have joy cause God is the one causing the crushing. He doesn't despise me for crying all day (or for holding it in all day). He never tires of me bringing my burdens to Him. He WANTS to carry them! Wants to fight for me, wants to carry me, wants to be my Everything. He is never weary of me. *whew!

amen.

one thing i rejoice in? the line "but lately she's been feeling alone, and no one's fine on their own, dontcha know?" doesn't apply to me! well the not being fine alone does...but i'm not. i have some amazings (aka abi, wesley n beks) who won't LET me feel alone! they pursue me when i need it, pray for me no matter what, somehow always know the exact scripture i need to hear, never condemn or preach when i'm hurting, meet me halfway even when life is busy and a half hour is all we can manage...yep. thank you Jesus for them! for loving me enough to entrust me with these friendships. (and others)

maybe tomorrow i will wear yellow...(but i'm never really the "outshining" type to be anybody's star...haha)

(hannah)

2011-11-30T16:51:00.005-05:00

i want to be like hannah from 1 samuel.
she was honest. she poured out her heart to the Lord. with all the emotions she felt. she didn't minimize the negative effect/appearance of her circumstances, she didn't try to put on a brave face, she didn't say "i know i shouldn't but i feel this way...". she just was transparent, honest, feeling, human. "She was deeply distressed and prayed to the LORD and wept bitterly." (1.10)

she was transparent with others. when eli rebukes her for what he assumes as drunkenness, she doesn't ignore him. doesn't say "i'm not drunk just praying" or "i'm fine". she doesn't pretend everything's alright. "But Hannah answered, "No, my lord, I am a woman troubled in spirit. I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I have been pouring out my soul before the LORD. Do not regard your servant as a worthless woman, for all along I have been speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation." (v15-16)

she casts her cares on God. and she leaves them there. she doesn't try to fix herself. she says alright Lord, here is my heart,here are my desires, You have them. then she seems to walk away unburdened and rejoicing in her God. "Then the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad." (18)

she prayed with open hands. granted, her desire was just to have a child. she probably didn't have to keep him in order for the social stigma of "barren woman" to be removed. but in a time where women's lives were only valued for work and pleasing their husbands, having a child to raise seems like it would be something to look forward to. a task to take pride in when your worth was considered less than a man's. then take into account natural maternal instinct and love for your own...therefore i believe hannah's vow shows an open hand. willingness to give God everything. "And she said, "Oh, my lord! As you live, my lord, I am the woman who was standing here in your presence, praying to the Lord. For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord." (26-28)

^^^none of those things could be said about me. not consistently. by the gracious work of God, i can say i have experianced each one. there have been times i've walked away off the dock gloriously free! feeling the joy of a God who takes detailed care of me. Who is big enough to deal with my seemingly intense issues. (that really aren't) but? far too often i walk away still thinking. still carrying too much on my tiny shoulders, still playing God. or i take them back, one by one throughout the day.

{{Change me, Lord! i cannot keep this up. i am too tired to walk, i stagger under burdens i was never intended to hold. take them. take my fears, doubts, practical plans to fulfill my needs. take the burdens i carry for others, the desires to heal, cleanse, redeem, cause fruit to come forth. ONLY YOU can do those works! and You cannot use me as a tool, when i am trying to be the One working. forgive my arrogance. Jesus, breathe grace on me. breathe rest, restore me to joy, freedom, total reliance upon You. Your shoulders are broad, and Your heart is loving.
thank you.}}

thank you, matt redman for loving Jesus and writing about it

2011-11-29T00:15:00.000-05:00

*confession: i adore matt redman. i just feel like he gets it. gets it as in, i feel like he loves Jesus above all. i feel like that has been tested by fire, and he writes out of his heart. doesn't mean i like all of his songs. & dang his old stuff is musically cheesy! but over the years God has used his songs to nail me. comfort me. and wage war. a matt throwback:

"You made me fruitful in the land of my suffering Father,

You made me hopeful in a place of no hope,

poured oil of gladness on the wounds of my struggling

and You poured oil of healing on the depths of my soul.

When i needed a savior, You were there..."

(when i needed a savior)

and now tonight, i'm singing this truth to myself:

"kneeling on this battle ground

seeing just how much You've done

knowing every victory is Your power in us

scars and struggles on the way

but with joy our hearts can say

NEVER ONCE did we EVER walk alone

carried by Your constant grace

held within Your perfect peace

never once, did we ever walk alone

never once, did you leave us on our own

you are faithful, God you are faithful..."

(never once)

thank you, Jesus. for music. thank you for never abandoning me. for always loving. for forgiveness! what a blessed thing to be forgiven.

thank you for the fight

2011-11-24T00:01:00.000-05:00

for the first time in my life, finances are keeping me awake. worry in the area of money? strange. i never doubted God's provision when my dad was out of work for a year...but now that it's me personally? my faith is on empty. i have two things that appear to be needs, & not enough work to cover even one. hmm. worry is sin. so i'm going to do battle with my pen & worship music in my ears...

i'm tempted to analyze & regret past decisions, from not going to school to not budgeting my gasoline use tighter. (pointless nonsense) tempted to doubt God's faithfulness. to blame Him for not opening doors at any of the jobs i've applied for in the past. tempted to be afraid He wants to grow me via pain. tempted to fear, that He won't come through or He'll abandon me. i'm tempted to despise myself and think duh. who'd hire a loser 23 yr old?! you've got no skills or anything to recommend you!

i don't think that is what He wants. He is sovereign; i am responsible. how the two entwine is a truth i'll never have the capacity to understand. both are true. (His power being much, much greater & in control). i've tried to honor Him with my resources. i have failed at times, more than i know i'm sure. ultimately it doesn't matter. i could never steward my resources wisely enough.

I think God has orchestrated events, even using my mistakes; to get my heart. He's after my unbelief, my distrust. after my propensity to be self-sufficient. to think my back up plans A-H will take care of me. to always look over my shoulder, always have my own back.

so tonight, i am fighting. fighting to believe truths i read today about my God. that He is generous. loving. desires my good. always working--in and through me!-- to advance the gospel. that there's an opportunity to make Christ known in EVERY circumstance. therefore there is JOY in every circumstance! some seasons have nothing to rejoice in themselves. but there is always Christ. Philippians is being etched on my heart these days. i thought it was already, but ha. nope. didn't get that lesson last time around...gonna be a lifelong process i think. but here, in the sleepless nights when i fast sleep to conquer lies. when i admit my fears &faithless thoughts. i am winning! well, i'm not, i've already lost the war. but Christ is Victor, & He is mine! He sustains me to claim the crown He won. i am gaining ground, rather than giving in. satan's lies will have slightly less hold over me after tonight. also, 3 hrs of hard-won peaceful sleep is worth more than 8 of the fitful sleep of unbelief. i am always better when i'm near Him!

i choose to believe He will not only provide, but provide above & beyond my very basic needs.

cause God has already blessed me ridiculously! He gives to us beyond imagination. my God has proven himself time and again. i really have all i need. if He hasn't given it, I don't need it. after all, i HAVE Him!! <

fin.

thank you, Jesus, for forgiveness. for provision. for faithful steadfast love in the face of my treasonous, wavering distrust. for the best family whom i adore. for laughter. for giving me the wonder of You.

beloved. HE is jealous for (me)

2011-11-13T11:18:00.002-05:00

I am my Beloved's, and He is mine.

My God is jealous for me.

He wants me. Not just my intellect, not my head, not just my emotions or heart. All of the above, everything, will-feelings-self. the whole of damaris rae wells. ALL of me. He doesn't have any need of me. He doesn't have to have me. I need Him, desperately; yet I try to run. I don't always want Him. I need Him more than I need anything else, but my desire for Him is faithless and changing as the tides. But He? He wants me. He doesn't need me. His desire for me is faithful, steady. Jealous. He will have me, and He will let nothing separate us.

Astounding.

and today, oh HOW He loves me! i didn't go to church, it's a long story i tried but wasn't going to make it...

that was His plan. i know it's because my Lord wanted to meet me. just with me. i worship a God who meets with a young girl in her bedroom on her face. no fanfare, no human mediator. no distractions, just my God and i. He wanted to set me free. to tell me He approves of me. i am his daughter, his workmanship. words fail to express just how overwhelming, intense, insane to my logic His love is for me. there is NO reason HE should care for me!!!! but He does! i read the greatest surety of this Love, the story of His death & resurrection for me and then a spurgeon sermon titled "Oh, How He Loves" and the following words from it do some justice to the thoughts of my undeserving overwhelmed little heart:

"Many days have passed since then, and I asked you now to recollect what Christ has done to us since we first trusted in him. Has his love for you cooled in the slightest degree? We have all of us tried that love by our wondering and waywardness, but we have not quenched it, and its fire still burns just as vehemently as at the first. We have, sometimes, fallen so low that our hearts have been like adamant, incapable of emotion; yet Jesus has loved us all the while, and softened our hard hearts as the glorious sun melts the icebergs of the sea. We were like the insensible grass which calls not for the dew, yet the dew of his love gently fell upon us; and though we had not sought it, our heart was refreshed by it. Our Lord has indeed proved how he loved us by the gracious way in which he has borne with our many provocations; and think too, beloved, with what gifts he has enriched us, with what comforts he has sustained us, with what divine energy he has renewed our failing strength, and with what blessed guidance he has led and is still leading us! Take thy pencil and paper, and try to set down in figures or in words thy total indebtedness to his love; where wilt thou begin, and when thou hast begun, where wilt thou finish? If thou wert to record only one out of a million of his love-gifts to thee, would the whole world be able to contain the books that might be written concerning them? No; all thou canst say is, "Behold how he has loved us!"

help my unbelief!

2011-11-12T16:27:00.002-05:00

"Shall I bring to the point of birth and not cause to bring forth?

Shall I, who cause to bring forth shut the womb?

says your God."

Isaiah 66.9

"...I was expecting the labor pains to end in a miscarriage. But God uses our pain to create life, not death!"

my friend's words cut me to the heart yesterday. how true of my own soul! i'm afraid God isn't doing a good work. i believe lies. i've been fighting His loving hands, b/c I don't expect good fruit. i don't consider them labor pains bringing new life forth. i consider them pointless, i'm waiting for death. i don't want to be okay with being broken, i don't want to roll with the punches. i fight them, i try to fix myself as soon as i possibly can.

yet. somehow, by His amazing grace.

He has planted hope in my doubting soil.

He has answered my daily prayer of "Lord, HELP my unbelief!" i do truly believe He's going to heal me, completely. i don't believe my scars are permanent. i don't believe He's cracking me open for no purpose. i've given it to Him, surrendered. He can have His way with me. if that means tears and heartache i don't understand every day for years, alright. He's good. if that means tomorrow i wake up to problems solved, broken lives mended overnight, hallelujah! but His goodness is the same either way. i've asked for healing, ending, joy that endures and freedom. He will give them to me. in HIS timing. not a second before.

but i'm ok with that now.

yellow tulips

2011-11-11T13:57:00.008-05:00

i have this friend...she brought me a mason jar of yellow tulips today. (smile) just cause she understands the fight to wear yellow & not grey. she wrote a note that nailed me, convicted me, and gave me hope. it meant the world to me. and it wasn't at all practical or convenient--she drove 35 miles out of her way, just to show me love. just to remind me God is greater than my hurt. just to say, "i know you're heart's been taking a brutal beating, but you're not alone in this fight, & it's worth it, so don't give up. deliverance is coming!" ah wow. undeserving me!

abigial darlene mills gives me a reason to believe in God's goodness. she LOVES Jesus & pursues Him no matter what. she has a hard time saying the words "i" & "love"; which is funny b/c dang, she says it without words far better than almost anybody i know! she has a talent for writing. a magic with words. she's astounding. oh, did i mention she's one of my childhood best friends ever?! yeah. THAT'S how i KNOW God loves me!! haha but seriously. she is an example of Christ's love for me. i never feel in danger of losing her friendship. no matter how unloving, self-focused, doubtful, selfishly downcast i am. she's never given up on me! i truly feel like no matter what, she'd still fight for me. still encourage me. still listen. i'm not sure how i know this, i just do. i never feel as if i could, or need to, earn her friendship. i just have it. the same way i just have Jesus love (which is even richer, sweeter, better!!!) that is not typical damaris. i don't think i'm a very lovable sort & i don't trust people. i'm secure in abigial's, for no reason other than Jesus. How kind He is!

but THE biggest gift she gives is in making Jesus more beautiful to me, in whatever way I need it. sometimes, that means stabbing me with truth. she convicts me. pushes me to love Jesus more, reveals areas i question Him, asks hard questions. sometimes directly, sometimes the Lord just uses her without her knowing. her direct correction is painful, but loving. truly the "faithful are the wounds of a friend" kind. she takes the time to know me, to really find out where my heart is first. so it goes down easily. perhaps it's because i respond to gentleness, and her direct correction is always honest, gentle& loving. i feel that she legit cares for me when she cares for my soul. prob helps that we have the same mind & heart 90% of the time...lol. God uses her as His scalpel. i am so grateful for it.

i can't come close to returning the blessing & encouragement abi gives me. i want to! even though i never feel like i have to, in fact that makes me want to try all the more...

thanks for being a spot of yellow in my life too abi. you're part of how Jesus makes life beautiful.

(^^^)

{courage}

2011-11-10T13:10:00.002-05:00

hello Lord.

i need courage today. i need wisdom.

i don't want to face the things i have to. i'm cut to the core of my being, and i would like to be done with these kinds of shatterings. i would like some mundaneness of soul. some ease. some breathing space?

but.

that is not Your way. Your ways are higher than mine, greater than mine, lovlier than mine. help me to see it! help my unbelief! help me walk in Your path, and give me the grace to be bold yet humble; honest yet wise; to stand my ground in love.

thank you.

"find me here, speak to me
i want to feel you, i need to hear you
You are the light that's leading me to the place where i find peace again

You are the strength, that keeps me walking
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose...you're everything.

You calm the storms, and You give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, You won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and You take my breath away.
would you take me in? take me deeper now?

cause you're all i want, You're all i need
You're everything, everything
You're all i want your all i need..

how can i stand here with You and not be moved by You?
would You tell me how could it be any better than this..."

amen Lord. thank you for being my All in All, thank you that there is NOTHiNG better than You. keep me here Jesus! always.

rawness (on the subjects of pain, Jesus' rich love, &fragility)

2011-11-06T23:16:00.007-05:00

i am fragile.

i am tired.

i am aching.

{i feel defeated}

i am fragile, physically & emotionally. (i've become aware of the latter just recently)

i am tired, cause i feel hard pressed on every side. (nowhere near to the extent of Paul!! but see above. i am not paul.)

i am aching, b/c i am still learning Jesus' way in loving others. in being vulnerable. i hurt b/c i sin, b/c others sin, b/c healing is painful.

{my feelings don't define truth. or me}

but in Christ: OH Christ, how sweet the Name!

in Christ, my fragility forces me to lean into His strength.

in Christ, my exhaustion makes every victory HIS; not mine.

in Christ, my wounds give me compassion for others. push me into His arms. & are healed!!

{in Christ, i will never be ultimately defeated}

kicker: i have to fight to get to Christ. i have to fight for joy. to believe in hope, light, grace. i have to battle what my eyes have seen, the warnings of my head, past experiences with their bitter taste of disappointed hopes still lingering in my mouth. i have to fight for His perspective when i am blind. He is there, always. but i stubbornly have to fight to keep my eyes open.

lately i haven't been fighting. because sometimes i don't want to. sometimes i believe the lie that i'm alone in the battle. the lie that fighting is more painful than being whatever i feel or think to be true. sometimes, i feel the darkness is going to win. sometimes i feel everything in me is going to collapse in battling it and all the hard effort will be wasted. sometimes i inform the Creator of the Universe that i'm done. that i'm not going to fight until i see something to hope for...as if He had not given me the surest most lovliest of hopes!! He saved me from myself!! my sin separated me from Him-- He gave His Son to give me LOVE! to give me the most delightful satisfying relationship i could possibly know. that of His friendship. yet. i act as if He is not the sweetest most beautiful treasure. as if it's my right to choose to fight or not; when rather its the kindest undeserved mercy, that i am free too! well. look who has a new, shining sword in her hands...and look Who has His hands over hers, guiding, strengthening, comforting.

oh foolish child.

oh gracious Father!

Father. forgive me. i don't want to fight tonight. i just want to let hurt swallow me, i want to give up. part of me wants to say "one ray of hope, one night of peace, one glimpse of something lovely. then cruelly you let satan at me again. you let the darkness of the past threaten to kill that vision. so soon. why? why test me on the joy, peace, love you spoke to my heart this morning so soon? it's been less than 24 hours!" what blasphemous, untrue, evil words! that is NOT the character of my God! oh what faithlessness, that i would entertain them. forgive me for emotionally controlled, evil thoughts Father!! ah, but. only *part* of me. is that not evidence that You save me continually? that this mornings promises were true? is it not true, that underneath all this there is a peace i've been lacking? thank You, for being my anchor. thank Your for allowing me to feel & see the strong scarlet cord that ties me to You. How are You so good. You are far more precious to me than anything else. So much evidence of Your mercy...i didn't cry all the way home, b/c the little sparks of joy you put in me are rooted in YOU. not a state of mind, not circumstances, not relationships. How sweet that is! i am determined to keep the joy You've given me. haha. Oh Jesus, we both know. without Your intercession this moment. i would be in a crumpled heap of bleeding heartness on my floor, angry at myself for feeling, swearing to lock my heart up if it's going to be so pathetically easy to cut. but i'm not. i sit here upright. in calmness of mind. slightly bleeding, but slightly smiling. mostly singing! of how beautiful Your constancy is to me. How beautiful Your grace for my many sins. How astounding is Your forgiveness. Yes Lord, I will fight. You have given me a taste of freedom & light. if You are with me, i will let nothing take that from me. nothing, no one.

You are my treasure. You are all i need. i HAVE you!!

wonder.}

fantastic much?

2011-11-03T16:53:00.005-04:00

um, why yes, i'd love one of my walls to be covered in the book peter pan, thank you very much... www.spinelessclassics.com

life. is. beautiful

2011-10-25T00:15:00.008-04:00

no really. despite the silly angst i spew here, i truly believe life is lovely! cause of Jesus. first and foremost. i don't know how life would be worth living without His death, perfect life & resurrection making fellowship with God possible. i don't know how i'd find silver linings. i don't know how anything could be sweet without the steadiness of His love!

He gives so many little blessings. the simplest, everyday joys are sometimes the sweetest. doesn't take much to remind me how loved i am. or to make me smile. some seasons it takes more than others, true...i tend to come here when i'm overwhelmed, burdened by things i don't/can't/shouldn't verbalize to others. it ends up reflecting only the awfulness of me & the struggles of wanting to love Jesus. not so much His goodness or kindness or triumphs. i use the blank pages to sort out my tangles.

but i wanted a spot of brightness. so here's a written equivalent of a mason jar filled with yellow tulips...cue julie andrews singing "these are a few of my favorite things..." :

tulips! elegant white ones, cheering yellow, calm purple. espesh dramatic creamy ones with deep stripes of crimson bleeding through the petals...

tulips are my fave! but i confess i've the girly love of flowers. i appreciate the colour, shapes, textures and livingness of em

psalms. valley of vision.

mark driscoll--even though he makes me cry or cringe at times

iced coffee. black, or with cream. such an evidence of grace. unless it gets sugared, then it's a test of MY grace haha...

LETTERS!! snail mail is the best ever. please don't go under USPS...

my super comfy gray cardi from gap

besties. God's given me the privilege of living life with some of His most brilliant crown jewels. no exaggeration, i'm daily challenged/refreshed by one or more of those women! some are in my church, some are scattered across the state and even ga and vancouver.

windows-open weather

theme songs of the day with abs

driving on highways in a car with working music of some form--yay for roadtrips!

packers &gator football, oh baby

random story texts

good music! songs that take you out of yourself or get in your mind and spell out what you're feeling for you.

the sea. pictures of the sea, songs about the sea, going to the seashore, shells that remind me of the sea...a little bit in love with the ocean. maybe.

i could go on and on but probably should save some for later. see, i really do have happiness...my life is beyond good. Jesus makes it beautiful. =)

[those walls were up for a reason]

2011-10-22T20:04:00.002-04:00

without walls.

i don't do so well.

because armor and walls and fierce independence? they've held me together for so long. it's a strange mix of intentional and subconscious.

my walls are legit. they're the glue that keeps me together. my armor is a masquerade. it's the mask that hides the broken girl that CAN'T keep herself afloat. that girl knows Jesus is all that keeps her passion for life alive. He is the only brightness keeping life beautiful. independence is the charade that forces me to be okay. if others need you to be, you are. done. simple as that. on the surface. (but not really...)

partly happened without me even knowing. the other part? the other part was sin. it arose from not knowing what to do with pain. a reaction of not wanting to feel. not wanting the humility of brokenness. half reaction. half self-sufficiency. taking matters into my hands since Jesus (out of love) doesn't give us quick fixes...

now that my armor is full of chinks and my walls are breaking down. i can't keep up the independence. not only is it apparent to everybody around me just how NOT ok i am. i'm truly seeing the depth of that for the first time. i feel more alone than i have ever felt in my whole life. i've never been one to look to others for help or comfort or solace. i think b/c i know nobody can really give it. but for what's probably the first time in my life i want somebody too. because my weakness is being revealed, and i'm looking for a way to escape. i want a place to hide. i want to hide my wounds and not be broken. i want to be healed and whole, so i can be independent. not needy. not feel the burden of wanting comfort, but knowing nobody else but Jesus can understand. He knows my pain, He knows why the silliest things hurt. He's designed them! He created storms specifically for my personality and character growth. storms that for me are hurricanes, are calm seas for others. He designs things to destroy my independence. to draw me to Himself. which is why i need JESUS...only He knows, and He has His loving hands on the cracks in my heart. even though i feel like it gets harder and harder to breathe. i don't feel like i'm healing. i feel like i'm being stripped and shattered more. i didn't know that was possible. it must be for good though. i know it will be proven to be!!

^^i think that's why my joy has died. partly it was on a false foundation. but. the Lord has blessed with me seasons of true joy! i do know how to rejoice and hurt. i know the sweetness of running to Him for comfort. i know how to sing with a truly happy heart. i do believe life is beautiful.

i've just forgotten.

i don't want to have to. joy is discipline. i'm foolish and blind. breaking my walls down has been breaking ME. i'm falling apart. instead of taking it to Christ, i've looked to others. i've tried to lean on somebody else and let them pour into me so i don't have to keep crawling over to the fountain. OUCH.

and i knew it. i knew i'd become draining. i knew it'd be a stripping-rebuilding process. but i listened to well-meant kind words instead of what I know about myself and the Lord's counsel.

which has led to craaaaassshhiiing. hard.

i lost joy when i started feeling. (so it wasn't true joy eh?) because i'd retreated to my own world and closed my eyes for awhile. i'd been numb. very pleasant to be numb, not gonna lie! so the shock of reality of where those i love dearest are in life...hurt. sharply. then my walls, the stiff upper lipness that i've trained myself in, to keep pain from affecting me wasn't there. i didn't know how to run to the Lord, b/c i've been living in the school of damaris' own way too long. feeling a hell of a lot + no walls = falling onto whatever seems safest at the moment.

bad news.

lol.

oh what a messed up selfish little child.

that's okay.

i'm on my way to becoming a slightly wiser, slightly stronger, dependant on Christ, truly joyful daughter.

not how i intended to expound, but i've been listening to yellow shirt & life is beautiful and asking why have i lost my joy? where have i run from Jesus? so i just started writing out of the ache. this is me being excruciatingly honest and vulnerable...i think He answered.

how kind He is. ((cue "your hands" by jj heller))

inextricably mixed

2011-10-21T17:39:00.002-04:00

^i just like the way that phrase sounds. title doesn't have whatsoever to do with the ramblish that follows. believe me, ramblish it will be! i need an unfiltered, untheologically corrected verbal spewing of all that's swirling in my mind/heart these days. the words which follow are not self-edited. therefore they represent the entangled soul caught betwixt depravity and purity. well. that's partially untrue. the soul is counted righteous and belongs to Christ, hallelujah!! it is the mind which is still caught. i AM saved. i surely will be without sin and all of Jesus one day. but not yet. here, i am still a battleground. the work is begun; but it is not finished. I am partially filled with Jesus, partially ever attempting to run back to my old chains. the mind wavers between sin and obedience. sometimes following self-centered demands of rebellion. yes, sin's bondage is broken. yes, i am no longer held captive by my flesh. yes, i am FREE to choose who will master me. and there are times when i obey the freeing, gentle, loving rule of Christ. but. not always. i am still human. my tendencies & thought patterns are still being made new. some days they are just old. some days i am stuck. some days i am the three yr old sobbing that she "just can't help herself, i WANT to do good but i can't! i have a stinker inside of me!"

as of late. i can see no forward progress. well i relate to paul in romans 7! greatly do i long for a little more of romans 8! a little triumph, a victory to be felt and seen! but. i cling to His promises elsewhere (i've already put verses on this up here enough that i'm not searching for them now lol) that He must be at work still. He is refining. slowness in progress is not the result of His failing. He does not give up. He doesn't stop. He will always be conforming me to the image of His son. My foolishness, my pride, my evil desires impede progress. i struggle, wrestle, live in tension. no matter how redeemed i AM. i will never fully LIVE in my redemption til i see Him.

at the end of the day? it doesn't matter.

HE will have His way.

I will be made into that which I am legally seen as: innocent.

free in total.

well. i guess the title fits rather well after all...that wasn't at all the unleashing i intended! i'm a swirl of aaahhh idk wth to think about this, where is my heart here, why does this make me feel that, why can't i shut it all down...but hey. this was probably more encouraging to read. and it's a tiny bit of where i am and always will be "until that day when, free from sinning, i shall see Thy lovely face"

thank you Jesus for taking my tangle of words into a reminder of Your grace. Ever present loving grace.

wearing gray (& secretly i am not fine on my own, no matter how hard i try to fake that i am...)

2011-10-19T18:18:00.008-04:00

"She always wears yellow when she feels like herself

With a smile that's shining brighter than I ever could tell

And I know that she means business cause she won't say a word to me

But lately winter's taken over summers heat
I'm shaking in my sneakers shivering in the breeze
I'm nervous cause I don't know if she'll ever return to me...

But she's been feeling alone and no one's fine on their own don't you know
She's been wearing gray without a thought of change
And I've been desperately trying to make her see
That even when it rains the sun is still ablaze
And right now in the dark she is my shining star

So tell me if you're ever feeling sad or alone
And I'll do my very best to touch your heart with my own..."

(yellow shirt by icarus account)

kinda been wearing gray lately. i mean i LOVE wearing gray, but in the sense that my heart has lost its joy.

at least i see it.

how to have joy. how to have faith. how to rejoice in Jesus without shutting my heart down. without stopping my heart from beating, because that's the only way to stop feeling the pain that makes breathing difficult when those closest & dearest to me suffer. paul wrote philippians for me, for now.

& i know God has a plan to bring it alive and write it on my heart.

sometime when i have time i'll expound. maybe. or maybe not...

The answer to pride is not humility...

2011-10-11T15:08:00.004-04:00

today i listened to mark driscol's Luke p.61 "the parable of the man who was at the wedding feast"

ouch. but thank you Jesus! very timely, and possibly the most encouraging & fresh looks at pride vs humility i've ever heard. some notes that really nailed me:

"Jesus is saying here that pride is really evil. It’s pernicious, it’s horrendous. And let me say this, We just don’t believe that, because one of the greatest virtues, not only in our nation but the entirety of the western world, is pride. We use pride as the motivating factor of our lives. And we call it self-esteem. ...this comes out of the teaching not of the Bible but of a psychologist named Abraham Maslow. And he created something called a hierarchy of needs. And if you think of it like a pyramid or a triangle, he says, “Well, we have lower needs, sort of essential needs like food and water and shelter. And then we proceed up to our highest need, our greatest need, which is self-actualization. For me to achieve all that I can achieve, acquire all that I can acquire, do all I can do, and be all I can be. I exist for me to achieve my potential! My full potential! And then I’m self-actualized and I’ve met my greatest need.” And the Bible says, “Satanic.”

We exist for God’s glory, not our own. We exist to love, honor, serve, obey, enjoy God and help others. And if I am at the top of the pyramid of my life, I can’t lovingly help and serve people. And I don’t believe I have any need for God. I’ve become my own god and I expect people to worship me. I don’t expect to worship God by loving and serving people."

"Pride is independent. “I’ve got this covered. I’m organized. I’m disciplined. I’m self-sufficient. I don’t really need God and I don’t really need people. I can take care of myself.” Humility is about dependence. “God, I really do need you to help me and I really need your people. So I want to be in community in the church. I’m blind to my own blindness. I’m finite, fallen, and foolish. That means I need some friends.” (ouch)

"Well, how do you grow in humility?” Think about somebody else. His name is Jesus. You start to think about Jesus and that’s how we grow in humility. You say, “Ok, how did Jesus live his life?” Friends, was Jesus humble? The most humble person who’s ever lived. How did he live his humble life? By the power of the Holy Spirit. So for us to grow in humility, it’s about not just being totally obsessed with ourselves. “Am I proud or humble?” Jesus. Let me get to know Jesus. Let me look at the life of Jesus. Let me live by the power of Jesus and, as a result of that, I’ll be able to start to demonstrate a little bit more all the time, I hope, the character of Jesus. The answer to pride is not humility. Humility is a byproduct of really focusing attention on Jesus. Then you grow in humility because it’s also— again, if it’s knowing your place, you get to know Jesus, you’re like, “Yeah, I really don’t have anything to brag about. Jesus is my Lord and he is good to me and he saves me and salvation’s a gift and, yeah, I know my place. My place is not seated on the throne high and exalted. My place is before the throne, face on the ground, saying thanks."

((Oh Father, let me learn to know your Son better, may He become even more beautiful in my eyes that I may run with endurance and humble dependence upon You!))

cause there's way too much in my head

2011-10-10T22:01:00.001-04:00

lighthearted version of what i'm learning these days:

these things take time, by sanctus real.

NOOO!

i don't want it to take time. i don't want to learn and grow. i don't want to be broken. i especially don't want the Lord to keep me here! "Here" being ok with being weak..."weakness" being a relative term of course, meaning multiple things in this sense. one of them being, as Abigail so bluntly said with the knife's edge of dead-on accuracy: "we (wrongly) believe that emotions are weakness and weakness is the sum of all evil, even though we "know" it's not true..."

isn't it though? doesn't feeling lead to blindness? seeing only good and missing bad or the thing one might need to be smart about? doesn't blindness lead to vulnerability, leading to stupid decisions; which can, not always, but when there are a large number of them, lead to a shattered life?

lol. yup, that'd be a common pathetic thought process of mine...

i want an instant fix, immediate gratification, so we can get past this whole heart-feeling-emotions stage. i mean hey, i've been hanging out here a few months. it wouldn't be instant gratification! it'd be patience rewarding...

HA.

i'm anything but patient. nooo kidding.

2011-09-30T14:00:00.007-04:00

if today had a theme song, it would be very tangled sounding. it'd be something of a battle of instruments & words. with emotion trying to be heard, logic forcing it to be silent. probably lots of loudness. the lyrics would have something to do with hearts shutting down & retreating to a much more comfortable, if less God-honoring place & how much better the quiet of numb is to the rage of thoughts when emotion is allowed to participate in one's life. it'd be awful...that's why today doesn't have a theme song. (the end).

postscript: you'd think sara b or brooke or ingrid would've written a song about today, cause they tend to have my back on hard-to-pin down days. they seem to be like me. JUST in the sense that their lives (guessing from their songwriting) are defined by struggle. heart/God/life/sin/relational/etc struggles. but no. seems i'm alone in the swirl of {aarrch just let me shut down my heart pleeeeaasse for one day} today.

but i think the picture fits perfectly. taken in poland by some guy who shared his lovely capture with the flickr world. thank you random guy in poland...

sweet tea & front porches

2011-09-28T11:04:00.008-04:00

i LOVE being southern!
no really. i identify myself with the south almost as much as i claim irishness and ballet in my dna...
i know folks say florida isn't really southern, not in a deep south cultural sense. there is truth in that...orlando is decidedly un-southern. ugh. the closest you can get to a southern atmosphere in downtown orlando, or near orlando for that matter, is if you bring it with you. like going with my friend Mo who's 'bama accent, charm & mannerisms drip southern climate. thankfully, the farther north you go the more southern you are. jacksonville feels more southern than orlando. and several miles south of the georgia or alabama border you're as southern as it gits.

but somehow, i've claimed southern identity. i have quirks of thinking that have become almost rules in my mind. probably fed by growing up on Southern Living, To Kill a Mockingbird, yes ma'am &loyalty to family & country. being a primary babysitter during my teens for a native GA woman who breathed deep south hospitality didn't hurt either...

silly things, little things make the south home. i don't realize how much it's true until i'm in the north or out west for a few weeks. then the first stop across the mississippi or below maryland just feels like...mmm i'm HOME!! i belong here! lol.
certain things i think define my southern bend of mind...like good, homemade food being central to all fellowship. whether it's a football party, having folks for dinner or just an afternoon at the house. gotta be some time spent in the kitchen! open-door & more the merrier policies. sweet tea is made with real sugar. the best teams in college football reside in the SEC. unless they're genius minds going to yale i expect my kids to pick an SEC college... [except for that horrid black & red poser team... ;)] i'm suprised when a guy holds a door or gives up his seat for me, but then i ALWAYS think "he must be southern". fishing? invented in the south. c'mon, you have to take your time and can't be hurried it HAD to come from "us"! negative things too, like politeness at all costs to your face, even at the sake of honesty. but i'm not really into analyzing southerness here...just wanted to write and this comes easily...anyway...i don't abide by it, but i feel the unspoken code of the south that says a woman isn't dressed if she leaves the house without eyeliner & polished hair...tshirt and jeans? gym clothes? acceptable attire, IF you have a full face and perfect hair. any event after 6 oclock, & special occasions from football games to baby showers call for the nicer end of your wardrobe...i kind of love all the idiosyncrasies, the stereotypes--both true and false; and the things i assume are common the world over until i leave the south and find dang, took that for granted! mostly its the people. duh. cultures die without people continuing to carry them along by their actions &lifestyles. i intend to have a southern atmosphere wherever i am. i want my home to be known for a listening ear, good food, and the place to watch every gator game come football season.

ran out of words, but i just wanted to write something true but non-thinking...

frustrated vents shouldn't be taken too seriously

2011-09-22T00:48:00.002-04:00

well since i'm going to be pulling an all nighter, may as well write myself out eh? i'm just going to pretend that this is still my own hidden space. let loose all i've been restraining, say whatever i want. not consider how it might be taken. i need some breathing space! i need room. so i'm making some right now,

except...

i. hate. words.

no really.

i'm not any good at math, but at least numbers themselves don't make me feel stupid. there are only 0-9 after all. in an infinite number of combinations, true. but nobody thinks when you say "twenty" that you mean "eleven". everyone knows you mean twenty ones, two tens, four fives. it's concrete. nobody misunderstands you. the effort you put forth is rewarded in correct understanding of the answer to the equation. unless you have dis-calculi, in which case you most likely read the equation backwards...different subject.

i'm much better at talking than i am math.

but words are just like little cages that trap what i think. they take my thoughts and twist them so that they look entirely foreign to me when i try to express them. then i feel trapped and suffocated and spent. they make me feel like shit. they don't help me out at all, evil little creatures! not the least little bit. few things feel worse than having a 2-hour conversation and knowing you weren't understood at all. & you can't think of another way to state what you've said multiple times, it just isn't getting through. but you've said it as bluntly as you can. what other way is there? if you take the basic concept and try to dress it in fancier clothes, won't the meaning be even more lost?

i don't know. all i know is that i'm done. i can't possibly try harder, i can't think anymore. i'm exhausted mentally and communicationally (there's a new word for webster) but i'm not mentally tired enough to sleep. i'll just sit here feeling broken and wracking my brain, but it won't change anything. is it laziness if one asks the Lord to change your words in another person's head so that they get you? if you've tried multiple ways to say the same thing over a period of a few weeks? probably not a prayer that's going to be answered. seems the Lord's way is more along the learning growing line...hooray. only i don't think i can learn or grow anymore in this area without breaking my window with my fist. or my head on my wall...haha.

sigh. ahh. can i just have a wordshaking gift? thankfully the gospel has already been written out for me. i should just go live on an island all alone where i don't need words...just the ocean.

since i can't leave for an island in the middle of the night though. i'll just listen to eric church, sara barrielles, sanctus real, jj heller & eminem. i know. wild combination. but they help me get frustration out & calm me to where i can read the Bible till the sun makes this whole foolishness look as silly as it is...

i bet in heaven, i'm going to open my mouth and just have colours and instrumental music come out...

(gravity)

2011-09-15T19:11:00.002-04:00

how i feel i summed up by today's theme song: sara barielles, gravity.

(here was a whole lot of ramblish that felt lovely to get off my chest. and then internet crashed. since i already got it out of my head onto paper, i'm not rewriting)

but what i know to be truth is summed up in today's theme verse:

"Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you."

psalm 116.10

sshh.

2011-09-13T13:02:00.004-04:00

be still,

my soul,

and wait before the Lord...

HE will act, He will fight for you, and you have only to be still.

HE is GOD.

^ ((i am not.))

honesty

2011-09-05T00:54:00.004-04:00

alright. so if i'm going to be completely honest, that last post was a cop out...haha.

i relate more to the song wounded right now.

because i feel like God began something, i feel like He was breaking me.

then stopped.

left.

Left me here with a heart still partly stone, cracked and bleeding, and i have no way to make it whole. i've tried a million band aids and scriptures and prayers and everything under the sun. i've tried pretending i was already whole. i've tried faking it. i've tried thinking i'm crazy psycho with a wierd victim complex. i've pretended i had an unbreakable heart.

then i tried honesty...

nothing.

i KNOW i'm not abandoned. i know He hears me, he speaks through people and His Word. His kindness in evident in so many little everyday mercies. He is not "silent", as some would use the term.

but when i sit before Him in silence. it stays silent. that is a silence i am not used to. that is the most painful thing i have ever felt or experienced.

when i walk, i don't feel His hand on my shoulder.

and i cannot find that there is anything in my life that is hindering my reception of His voice. i'd repent and run to Him as fast as possible if only i could find some rebellion, but there isn't one. there are wrestlings and struggles but i'm longing for Him to just my break my hip already.

i want to obey. i want to give in. i don't want to fight. but i'm powerless to even surrender without His help.

I know He is teaching me something. I know it won't be like this forever. i'm sure He will speak.

but if i could just admit where my heart is...

it feels like part of me is dying, like colour is fading from the world, like i can't breathe. i just can't live without His presence being VIBRANT. day to day. hearing and feeling from Him, even correction. Oh God, I would give up the sweetest gifts you've given me to have the closeness of my walk with you back.

battle song

2011-09-05T00:15:00.003-04:00

the father of lies
Coming to steal
Kill and destroy
All my hopes of being good enough
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!

The devil is preaching
The song of the redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation
Embracing accusation

Could the father of lies
Be telling the truth
Of God to me tonight?
If the penalty of sin is death
Then death is mine
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!

Oh the devil’s singing over me
An age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently
He’s forgotten the refrain
Jesus saves!

shane and shane//embracing accusations.

although if i'm to be honest, wounded by them hits where i'm at just as much...

i miss this:

2011-09-03T19:53:00.002-04:00

i miss capturing psalm 19.1. used to see alotta sunsets with beks, and alotta sunrises with just me & Jesus. kinda miss playing around with camera & changing the way i see things. miss viewing colours through the lens. funny how chapters in our lives come and go and we don't notice until they've passed. {sounds like some sentimental philosopher. ah well. blame it on dating. (one good thing about dating? everybody excuses you not being yourself. they expect you to lose your mind. which i don't really thing should happen but anyway that's a dif rant... i was sayin', totally unrelated things get blamed on your having a boyfriend, and nobody notices the lack of logical connection... haha.))

ahhck.

2011-08-30T15:36:00.004-04:00

my brain never stops thinking. NEVER. not as in it keeps me surviving.

as in it is too smart for it's own good.

it's not smart, but it thinks it is, and it thinks about things faaaaaarr beyond it's IQ level.

Oi oi.

just once, it would be nice to focus on doing laundry. and not be doing laundry while my brain cycles through why i don't really like to call myself "christian"& whether that is an ok thing or a not ok thing. how that word seems to come with a whole culture attached to it that i'm not necessarily on board with. all the connotations that come with the concept of being a christian. and how most of them aren't true. the biblical definish of christian, and what a christian is today or what people hear when they hear the word are vastly different. it means something different to almost everybody, how it depends on experience and interactions with folks with that label (rightly or wrongly, which is even another train of thought) and why i wish it actually just meant "choosing to love Jesus forever" but it doesn't.

or what would i do if the dryer exploded, like this freak accident? what actions would i take and how would i respond if we lost our house and everything because of fire...what would be the best thing i could do for my family? so ridiculous.

or how is that God creates families? as in the general idea of families, the concept of a unit of people who are connected by blood, different from any other connection with any other person yet still so easily severed. & how kids are biologically part of their parents, & the mental and emotional seems to have similarities to but yet they are still their own individual people. vastly different from their parents when it really comes down to how they live and choices they make. how do personalities develop anyway? how does environment change a person? is there a way to lessen the impact of how you are raised determining who you are? where does your belief system enter in to that? how many insane details God orchestrates everyday & what parts are sovereignly designed, absolutely vital? what part does our human will & responsibility play in all that? are there things God would prefer not to happen yet chooses to allow? believing in both His sovereignty & free will as defined by scripture is not easy! hyper-calvinism or armenianism sounds so much simpler. bu then really i am grateful that my God doesn't fit in boxes...see and yet another thread could start. AAHHH!!! shoot me. lol.

yeah i never let myself finish those thoughts because i'm not smart enough to ever reach any conclusion, and i think an opinion formed in ignorance is just arrogance.

i am crazy. so annoying. just want my damn brain to shut up. and let me live in silence for awhile. am i the only one with a crazy loud mind?

frailty revealed. (or, why i belong in a psych ward)

2011-08-25T13:24:00.008-04:00

God uses the smallest, everyday things to reveal how truly frail i am. i typically walk around intellectually knowing i'm dependent on Him, but living as if i'm entirely self-sufficient. i honestly act sometimes as if i'm my own country. you'd think i was the UK without an import system. (that makes sense in my head but prob nobody else's) this time its car troubles. which are not unusual for me, but my response is. not having a car is usually no big deal to me. hm i may have just learned that's b/c it's usually an easy fix. doesn’t last very long. even when i was without one for 6 months i was ok. it got old, it was frustrating at times. but i never thought i was going crazy. maybe b/c i was richer then, so i didn't feel it if i missed work a day or two a week. i couldn't always borrow a car, but it was never b/c i couldn't put gas in it...

fast forward 4ish years. here i've only gone 2.5 weeks without one, & I’m mentally cracking up. AAAHHH!!! like that. perhaps partly b/c the sub runs through gas like a maniac. since i've a lot less money than i did at 17, (hows that for a depressing sentence lol) i can’t afford to drive it. So i feel even MORE trapped. i feel locked into four walls. like i won’t ever get out, catch 22, as if my car will never be fixed so even if i did find a new job i couldn't take it. (compounding my ridiculous mental freak out is probably the fact that i feel confined & desperate in the area of work right now. also i'm in a major trusting the Lord battle. def a lil on edge. waiting to see how awful the storm that's coming will be. i know He'll get me through & i'll be grateful for the ride i just want to know how dark it will get. hail? fire? massive waves? or just sleet & grey calm for days on end? also i feel the devil breathing down my neck b/c my sin is leaving huge gaps in my defenses. not so much an epic moment in the spiritual walk of damaris rae wells. haha)
I'm like an animal in a cage. Several times last night & today i've had to force my brain to take logical control of the rest of me. explaining to myself why walking just to get out isn't a good idea. yes, i could spend half the day walking to starbucks, rest for an hour in the ac, then walk back home. yes it would be good exercise, but not the best use of time. and the sense of freedom i may have while moving toward somewhere, anywhere; would quickly be replaced by the feeling of sweat. lots of it. oh the foolishness of me! sometimes though. telling myself that i'm melodramatic and minimizing every negative feeling isn't the best route. it's a little like smothering evil, it never truly dies. it just gets suppressed.

for example. next i tried the "be grateful by contrast game". so stupid. it goes like: "what is wrong with you? Its your house! It’s not prison! You've a wonderful fam! what would you do if you WERE in prison? Be grateful you’re not!" all true, all good. except. i belong in a psych ward, so i keep analyzing. "Oh my gosh what if I ever am confined? In a 4 x 6 cell? Would I be mentally strong enough to get over my physical trappedness? Would I actually believe I was free in Christ? Would my mind, heart and soul be free? Or would I lose it? I won’t be mentally strong enough! I’ll really crack up, I really WILL end up in a psych ward!!" {oh brother. somebody please give me anti-thinking too much medication...

what all this reveals about my heart, ouch. Shocking how little I trust and rest in the Savior eh? (sarcasm. of course its not) i don't need a car or legs that can carry me to be "free". i don't need an escape. i don't need windows, or a job, or money. all those are necessary to function to a certain extant of "normal" in america. but i don't even need a normal life.

what i really need is to be "set free from the law of sin and death". THAT is my deepest bondage. the tightest chains i could ever wear are the chains of my own sin. i was a slave to it. unable to escape. but. no more!! "He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."Colossians 1
"...he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death...and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery." Hebrews 2
those chains, that bondage, is shattered. once for all broken. cast off. gone forever. i wrestle with the monster within, i sometimes try to forge chains again. But my rescuer will NOT allow it. He is always there to save me. over and over and over. from myself, from my enemy, from others' sin. that is true freedom. i need the words "free" and "bondage" and "confined" and "slave" defined not by my circumstances, not by others, not by my mind or emotions. but by God. By Romans 5.12-8.7, Galatians 5, Ephesians 2, Philippians 3.16...and when i die, i will taste the fullest extant of this freedom. it will all be realized in glory! fully! never to wrestle or feel constrained again.

///

2011-08-24T19:31:00.002-04:00

bleh. i hate white blank spaces. when i have storms in my head and my heart is being silent because it wants to stay out of the argument. c'mon. give me something to work with here?

i feel like i need to run 8 miles to figure out what's inside me. i need a huge thunderstorm, and i need to be IN it. not watching it from behind glass. actually inside where the lightning tingle threatens to strike me and stop my heart. where the rain is so powerful it soaks me in seconds, forcing me to my knees. where the wind almost knocks me over. that sounds really good to me right now...

aggravatedness.

good news. i won't care in five years. about anything i do now, except Jesus. and the people i am closest to. that's it. it won't matter whether i felt failure or triumph, it won't matter how often i sinned or how often i loved Jesus. those decisions are important in the here and now, but really. super big deals are quickly forgotten in this life. thankfully.

i'm a mess. no really, and not the hot southern kind either. more like the Oh God sombody call the demolition crew lol...hazard to myself much.

in light of eternity though, that doesn't really matter either. even things i don't see God working through. things i think will affect my future. won't. that is in God's hands, and i can't really change it. i can make it easier or harder on myself to follow Him, and thats the end of my finite power. *whew! what a good deal! my God works in the impossible. scratch that, He THRIVES on impossible. He's most glorified when we are weak, when it's obvious that it's His power at work.

if it's not obvious that i am weak. incapable of doing any good on my own.

you're blind.

what disorganized ramblish. how shocking. i normally write so neat & coherent...

ouch.

2011-06-27T13:24:00.002-04:00

i just read abigail's latest Ukraine post.

ouch.

conviction much? i too, have certain things where i have been knocking. and i haven't pushed through until God changes my heart--because i don't want him too. well i do, i really do! mmm, or maybe not so much? my actions would testify to the latter.

i don't want an answer.

because it won't come easily. it won't be all glory and light and peace. it will be hard-fought.

it's going to take wrestling, and probably dig up some pain.

healing is always painful here on the broken earth.

guess i know what i'll be doing tonight.

sigh,

but also

hooray! i've needed a catalyst. hooray for Jesus using people, for Jesus taking my sin to it's end. bearing the horrendous wrath i've earned. for declaring me righteous by His blood. so that i can approach the throne, for fellowship with God as Father. hooray that i know He'll do a good work. hooray that indwelling sin truly is beaten, just not vanquished yet.

so much to be grateful for!!

allowing myself to feel. is hard work.

2011-06-21T21:22:00.001-04:00

((i wrote this in march 2009. found it today. i remember being there. & i'm not anymore. but. think i'll always wrestle with not wanting to feel. always fight my natural tendencies to internalize, shut off my heart, run emotion through the filter of logicness. force my heart to obey my head. some things are easier to be biblical [and human] about than others. i know as the Lord grows me, it'll be easier. maybe someday it can be a strength? idk.))

3.19.09
“...We may know the right answer. And yet we don’t know it. It is a hard answer. But we make it sound like a pat answer. God sets about a long slow answering. But we try to make it a quick fix. His answer insists on being lived out over time and into the particulars. We act as if just saying the right words makes it so. God’s answer insists on changing you into a different kind of person. But we act as if some truth, principle, strategy, or perspective might simply be incorporated into who we already are. God personalizes his answer on hearts with uncanny flexibility. But we turn it into a formula: “If you just believe__________.” If you just do_______. If you just remember_____.” No important truth ever contains the word “just” in the punch line.”

“If you do not feel the weight or knife-edge of what is happening, you are a stone, not a human being. Image-bearers of God are not impervious. ”

“Honesty is able to feel the weight of things that arouse fear and dismay. The problem is not that we feel troubled by trouble and pained by pain. Something hurtful should hurt. The problem is that God slides away into irrelevance when we obsess over suffering or compulsively avoid it.”
-David Powlison.

pretty much. there it is. every day i am grateful for the gospel. every day there is hope and joy present because of the KiNDNESS of God. but some days there is also weight. i want to be a stone some days. i am uncomfortable with the amount of emotion in my heart and how it works its way out to my sleeve. i am not used to being near tears so much. i want to flip off the emotions switch, to go back to the comfort zone of keeping it all neatly locked away.

guess what.

i don't think that is what God wants.

i think God wants me to be honest. to stop being afraid that natural sorrow will become sinful bitterness, doubt, or self-pity before i have a chance to fight it. i'm pretty sure that He who called me is strong enough to keep me from falling into darkness.

random

2011-06-21T21:10:00.003-04:00

found this the other day & it made me laugh. so funny. except i don't really like "charming". its a little snake-like. too smooth = sketch. def don't agree with all of these (stand up when i come to the table, what, like i'm the queen or something? please don't! lol) but it's fun. i need some fun around here. espesh b/c when Abigail returns to me, she'll get a kick out of this. Abs we should do our own list... mine would be way shorter. keep 1. 2's big, but i can kill my own bugs. 5-6 so true. then all you need is loving Jesus & putting up with my fam & something about fishing. right abs? ;)

15 Ways to Charm Her
Southern Living, July 2009 By Amy Bickers
“Want to impress a Southern girl? Just think “What would my grandfather have done?”
Number one: We still expect you to give up your seat for a lady. On a bus, at a bar, on a train. . . we don’t care where you are. Unless you are at a restaurant and the only lady in sight is the one taking your order, stand up...So, men, here’s a short list of things Southern girls still expect from you.

We still expect you to…

Stand up for a lady. Actually, this doesn’t just involve chairs.
Know that the SEC has the best football TEAMS IN THE NATION. Big 12 fan? Hmm, perhaps you should keep walking.
Kill bugs.
Hold doors open. This goes for elevator doors too.
Fix things or build stuff. I once watched in awe as my stepfather built a front porch on the house he shares with my mother. He knew just what to do, cutting every notch, hammering every nail. The project was complete by sunset.
Wear boots occasionally. Not the fancy, I-paid-$l,000-for-these kind. We’re talking about slightly mud-crusted, I-could-have-just-come-in-from-the-field boots.
Take off your hat inside.
Grill stuff.
Call us. If you want to ask us out, don’t text and don’t e-mail. Pick up the phone and use your voice.
Stand when we come back to the dinner table.
Pull out chairs. Wait, that’s not all. Scoot them back in before we hit the floor.
Pay the tab on the first few dates.
Don’t show up in a wrinkled, untucked shirt. Care about your appearance but not too much. Don’t smell better than we do. Don’t use mousse or gel. You shouldn’t look like you spend more time in front of the mirror than we do.
Never get in bar fights. Patrick Swayze might look cool in Road House, but in reality, bar fights are stupid and embarrassing. You don’t look tough. You look like an idiot.
Know how to mix our favorite cocktail JUST THE WAY WE LIKE IT. Fix your favorite too. Sit down on the porch (it’s okay if you didn’t build it), tell us how your day went, and we’ll tell you about ours..."

i should be sleeping

2011-06-19T22:36:00.006-04:00

the sun is going to come up much too early for my tired self tomorrow. but i can't sleep. or read. maybe if i toss scattered ramblish out of my head. sleep might show up.

i danced my heart out today. after dancing out other things, my heart finally showed up. i don't know if it's from not taking lessons anymore. or from having what feels like an old and fading body. but.

it's becoming hard to really dance with my heart. i'm forgetting how to be free. my head gets total control. so distracting. "um you call that a develope en second? your leg's closer to the floor than the ceiling! you haven't taken lessons in some 4 years...choreography please? something decent? ouch! okay maybe shouldn't try decent when your muscles are cold& unstretched...what the hell was that?!...etc"

ugh. constant chatter. you'd think i was conscious of an audience. instead of having a whole house to myself...eventually i got to the sweet spot. of forgetting myself. not visualizing. just feelin the music. the liberty of. who cares if it looks like shit. don't think. don't try to make it choreography. lets not pretend we can actually dance anymore, and just move. however the music flows, and dance out whatever you feel. that place, is lovely. so very free. free in a way words won't ever set me. in a Jesus inviting way. in a yes, i want God to be in control not me.

heavenish!

except for the super sore left hamstring, aching back, shaky muscles after only 25 min of cardio. ick. out of shape much?

and i sorta got this weirdo click. that what a picture of how i live my dance process is. i'm so odd. but hey that's why this is my ramblish place. so i can say whatev & not have to attempt sensicalness.

anyway. i think too damn much.

no really.

when i should just let go. trust Jesus to have my heart. I try to keep myself from sinning. i can't. i should just trust! Him whom i have believed. i analyze my motives. i try to not feel things because i can't really analyze them. haha. and because they never quite make sense to me.
my heart and my head are always disagreeing... i'm part logic //part emotion. part introvert //part extrovert. part structure & control //part abstract free spirit who makes plans just to break them. my heart. my head. always fighting. for control. of me.

kinda over it.

kinda want to just stop.

and breathe.

and not think.

and let Jesus have the control.

shocker. i'm here what, every six months yes? oh to be free from sinning. & humanity. the fallen part anyway...

innocent.(one whose innocence was lost, but restored)

2011-06-13T02:41:00.002-04:00

i would like to be six again. yes please? i'd crawl into my parents bed, and just being between them would be enough to fight the monsters in my head. my imagination would be stilled. by the safety of loving sleeping strength. all the vivid images i'd conjured up would die, and i'd sleep. in peace.

i actually don't think i ever did that at 6. but at 23 i wish it was so simple. there aren't monsters in my head, there's an enemy who is quite a match for me. who tells me lies i cannot fight. and apparently, tonight, no amount of praying or scripture reading or worship music is fighting either.

peace? i have peace in knowing my salvation is eternal. that Jesus does have my soul, that He must be with me because i have no new scars on my body. i am not carving the torment of my mind onto my skin, hallelujah! there is one small victory! i know the gospel is true. i am forgiven. i am, in reality, ok. more than ok!

but peace, the feeling of peace, is anything but here. i'm shattered. in a way i haven't been in a very long time, not in years of warfare. it's pathetic. in the past 3.5 hours the trickle of tears comes in waves with the darts. i didn't know i could cry this much in one sitting, at such a small thing... overreaction much? i'm not just letting the devil have his say. i am believing that Jesus has to be the One to defeat Him. I'm battling with the gospel. With logic. With prayer & song. With ok so worst case scenario, it's not a lie; well Jesus still yours, you are his; it's not the end of you!
but. i am so tired of getting hit.
i am so tired of how satan uses. against me! the word.
those who are my brothers & sisters, fellow warriors.

but. HE LIES.
i am alone. this is a battle i have to cling to Jesus alone in. My parents, my besties, my boy, nobody can get in this one with me. i KNOW Jesus is here. but i know how bitterly abandoned david felt when he was writing psalms 86 &88. O Lord. when will you save me? how many times must i cast myself on your mercy, begging you to stop the lies that have the pain of past reality entwined. the voice that reminds me of my past sins so sharply, it's as if he is scraping glass along my skin. it makes me so grateful that i know. know. beyond a doubt. i am forgiven!! but oh how i long for a forgetting. to cast it from east to west, to not have to every 5 minutes plead the blood of my precious Christ. to not have pictures in my head.
lies can hurt so fiercely. slay me. when nothing else gets close. such a little one too! how often have we done this? how often have i stood accused? & heard Paul declare the promise of God that NONE can condemn those HE has justified? so why is it different this time? it's shameful how weak i am. how easily shattered by a few words. words,thoughts. wielded like a sword. my shield keeps the blows from being mortal.
but allows bruises.

i cannot wait for dawn. for light. for seeing the Savior one day (oh soon please!) as He stands in Rev 19. As i know He has stood with me. silently. unfelt. but there, supporting sustaining saving. saving His little lamb, who feels anything but worth saving.

oohhh weariness.

2011-05-27T14:39:00.004-04:00

This sermon. is killer. at least for me. because it nails me. i'm a burnt out, too busy unfruitful reactor. who doesn't know where the hell she will find an entire day, or a place, for some refrest time. to seriously look at her life and start living more intentionally. it's something i KNOW i have to do about every year and haven't in a while.
i'm tired.
actually, i'm exhausted. depleted. drained. beyond empty. no matter how much time i spend in the Word. it never feels like enough. i never feel quite full. i feel like i'm so spent, so parched, i can't ever absorb enough rain.
can i get an iv of Jesus? oh wait, i have one...
i'm sure i'm just being self-sufficient and the Holy Spirit ALWAYS gives grace!
but i just wanted to admit that i feel (done)
i feel like i need 8 days of solitude, rest, vacation. somewhere without internet, where my phone doesn't work. with worship music & my bible & my brain to think & plan my life to be the most fruitful...after the first 5 days of just sleeping! haha.
but since a restful vacay isn't really on the books, well, i must not need it.
i know truth. i'm totally fine, i get to practice dependance, all that stuff.
just kinda wanted to admit how i actually feel without all the correct stuff.
idk if that's good or bad.
ha. i dont't really care either. Jesus LOVES me. YES!!

perfect love casts out fear

2011-05-20T16:19:00.006-04:00

"there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." 1 John 4.18

"Nothing can separate me from the love of God.*

NOTHING. EVER.

Christ Jesus, my Savior, has redeemed me. has set me free from my sin. sin is no longer my slave master. no longer divides me from God.

Therefore. Nothing can separate, sever me.

Not sin. not too much serving. not business. not hatred. not fear. not satan nor demons. not hurt or pain or loss. not joy. not good blessings. NOTHING!!

How can this be? How can such unbelievable goodness be true? What about my filth, my unbelief, my pride, my whoring, my distrust? my unfaithfulness, my abuse of good gifts?

It. is. Finished.
None of this (^) affects that*, the truth that He loves me. that truth never changes. the sins and wanderings of my heart, they affect my reception, my believing, my feeling this truth. but they don't actually touch the reality of it. and this, this overwhelming love. the reality of it, the unchangingness of it, the depth of undeserved, free, un-earned therefore unloseable LOVE is God's answer. He meets me with love. that's it! all i hear, all i feel. it undoes me. it moves me to surrender fully, to not fight, to repentance, to sweet freeing trust. to cast myself upon Him.

because perfect love, casts out, ALL fear!!"

i experienced the truth of this scripture today. ^that's what i wrote in my journal during dock time. that was my answer from the Lord. He is insanely GOOD!

i've been seriously struggling with fear this week. i've been too busy with "good" things that aren't "first" things. i haven't spent the time with Jesus i needed. i haven't been abiding in Him or dwelling in His presence. i've been running hard in my own strength. trying to fill up without stopping, attempting to pour out much more than i have to give. pride, self-sufficiency, and consequently every other sin have been running rampant in my heart and overflowing onto those closest to me all week long.

so this morning i went to my Jesus-in-concentration spot. packed up the trusy ipod, bible and notebook and planned to be on the dock as long as it took. until all my sin was confessed. all my cares cast. all my fear looked at in the face. i was pretty certain i'd be corrected, probably informed of areas that needed to change. well, as i was recieving His delightful forgiveness. He poured out his rich love on me and i already wrote all about that...so yeah. story of the day.

((if today had a soundtrack, it'd be prodigal by the Micheal Gungor band, i need you to love me by barlow girls, nothing but the blood, sweetly broken by jeremy riddle, and of course. divine romance by phil wickham.))

sometimes i don't have words

2011-05-06T12:56:00.003-04:00

((often)). especially when there is so much going on inside of me...good things & heart things & my head trying to sort it all out but realizing some things in life, are not logicalness. sometimes God gives us situations. that require trusting. blind following. resting in His plans & knowledge and the joy of being okay with knowing only that He is in control. i put on my pointe shoes today. and danced until i was shakily beyond breathing. as if i could dance my emotions into articulation...if only i could!! if only i had movements for my heart. sigh. news flash: i an't do a fouette en pointe anymore. only one rotation and the ankle gives out, so tragical. haha. mmm. so here i am sitting in my room. back supported by a sea coloured wall, hurting rubbed raw feet stretched out in front of me. the warmth of the laptop easing sore legs. allie moss & eminem sharing my grooveshark.

and my heart is so full.

my head confused,

but peacefully resting on an anchor stronger than me.

and i have no words.

they're trapped,

trapped in my chest like a swallow in a cage.

but i don't feel suffocated.

cause God knows what the hell is going on.

and i am...

JOYFUL. FREE. LIGHTHEARTED. and feeling, for the first time in my life actually FEELING & not fighting to believe, that HE cares for me.

truly cares. like a father for a daughter, not just loving...actively taking care of me.

(^seems messily throwing thoughts is the thing of late^)

luke 8

2011-04-07T22:53:00.002-04:00

"We’re not done. It’s gonna be war until we see Jesus upon his return. We will get tired...We will have war on many fronts... We will lack supplies... We will be, like Jesus, just absolutely done. When crisis and need, because of suffering people, show up providentially in front of us, and by the grace of God, through the power of the Holy Spirit, we’ll follow in the example of Jesus for the glory of Jesus.

We’ll share the love of Jesus with anyone and everyone until the city is changed. Because the darkness cannot win... the darkness cannot win!! People are suffering, people are dying. And if all you do is watch television, listen to your headphones, surf the Internet, and close your eyes to the suffering and damage of the people that surround us, you will lack the kind of passion that a soldier requires for a long battle."
((mark driscoll. and this is why i listen to him.))

2011-04-04T18:12:00.006-04:00

Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by
You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked
So let me thank you for time
And try to not waste any more of mine...
I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

just had one of "those" days. those days are not bad days. just days when i feel like too many people love me too much. they all want to speak into my life. which i welcome. but it'd be nice to agree to disagree about my life choices occasionally. haha. aahh. gotta love people.

here's the thing.

when i'm blatantly honest, (which is rare. because it leads to even more shooting in love so to speak.) i have to say i'm waiting on the Lord. in SOME sense. but it's not as if i'm at a stand still. not by any means!

it's that awful word

waiting.

think people get this visual of me waiting like i'm in a que. as if i'm in line at the grocery store waiting for the clerk to hand me the directions for my life. or expecting God to speak audibly. or sitting around anticipating the Lord to tell me what to do. as if i'm waiting for my life to start. aimless. no dreams or goals or ambitions.

that is NOTHING like what i mean. not in the slightest tiniest bit. i have more ambitions than i quite kno wwhat to do with. they're just not the loud and flashy kind. nor do i feel a need to announce them all to the world.

waiting probably is a bad word.

in reality:

i know exactly what i want. maybe not all the specs. but my generals have detail.

i have some very strong ideas of how the Lord wants to use my life.

and so far, the two are pretty matched up.

so.

could i be wrong, yep. i'm sure i am. in some ways.

but. when i'm waiting. i mean that the Lord is telling me to chill out. to not keep slamming my shoulder against a shut door. to trust that He's doing the prep work and someday i will get "there." all i do is bruise my shoulder and break my trust when i try to get ahead of Him.

it's kinda like a runner. runners wait for marathons by training. running on tracks & through woods. they have to build endurance, strength; haveta know they want to win. fiercely. so that desire can carry them through the pain to finish well.

i'm not waiting.

i'm training.

i rambled this out with my semi-venting-i'm-not-angry-but-it'd-be-nice-if-they-would-listen-and-actually-HEAR-me playlist in my ears. in the heat of emotion. well actually heat is to strong of a word. anyway messy would be an understatement. to describe this.^

love having an outlet nobody can find. score.

thinking out loud (definish of ramblish)

2011-04-01T16:26:00.007-04:00

sanity resumed. writing itch still goin strong though...kinda has been for a few months. i just scribble until my wrists cramp. seems like waste of time...(since i'm only going to throw it away. or use it as fuel when i want to burn something.) especially since last week. took out all my old pointe shoes and pitched em. whenever i touch on a creative outlet, even an unused one, it's like a trigger point for all the swirlishness inside that i manage to keep still. mostly. it just brews into a hurricane. hurricanes are not fond of being contained. fyi. at least they are not angry storms. i'm not very good at rages. although confession: sometimes i want to be. haha. sometimes i wonder what my fam or the grocery store clerk would do if i just had a hysterical breakdown or manifested a panic attack. for the fun of it. isn't that horrid? but i couldn't ever do it, i'd burst out laughing. plus i am a terrible acting faker. only a good internally-i'm-screaming-but-on-the-surface-i-am-splendid-thank-you faker. omitting lies are just as untruthful as invented lies. as driscoll would say : "when someone comes up to you and asks how you are doing, you can be honest. ‘yesterday was horrible, and today’s worse, and tomorrows gonna be worse still. I know it. I can see it coming…faking it is lying, and lying is SIN!! TELL THE TRUTH!"

was i going somewhere with all that? hhmm...maybe? maybe i'd rather use this space and time a little better...just got back from Jesus-dock time. (fave 2-3hrs every week are my thursday dock times)

so grateful to Jesus for loving me.

no really.

SO EASY to say those words, believe those words, hear those words...and let them mean nothing. not get the weight, not get slammed by the crazy insane mind-blowing truth in them.

kinda like being slammed by reality...

i'm grateful (<

man. yeah. slammed is the word.

then. there are countless little tiny blessings that show love...not getting what i want. having a tiny, usually empty dock for solitude. warm boards, cold breeze, choppy waves. the blessing of being still & quiet. being broke. friends i do NOT deserve, who show me graciousness when i am at my worst. physical quirks that teach me Jesus lessons. darkness, that makes light sweet...crazy goodness is ALL OVER my life. as if the biggest most obvious (my greatest need being met) wasn't enough.

gah. talked myself out of words. and into worship.

should do this everyday!!

spillage.

2011-03-31T23:06:00.002-04:00

ah,words. such a love/hate relationship...necessary evil little things. wish i could survive without the sometimes. okay lots of times. i don't like confining the ideas in my head into letters.
words are supposed to be releasing.
often,
i feel more.
en(caged) by them.
not sure why that is. well let's not lie, i've thought about it. (damn i mean what HAVEN'T i thought about) and i could give multiple reasons why i think they make me feel trapped...but the main purpose in verbally throwing up here is to still my analytical mind.
i just can't keep up with all that God is showing me.
pretty certain that's the point.
i'm not supposed to be trying. not mentally anyway. i don't have to figure anything out, i don't have to understand, i'm just supposed to be faithful.
in everyday.mundane.obediance.
ohhh hooray. doesn't that sound like an adventure...says the heart full of faith.

Oh girl of little faith. where the hell IS your heart? how can your memory be so short? you are not faithful. untrue.

Jesus. He is faithful when i'm not. LOVE JESUS. <<< that's it. the entire point of my existence, if we break it down to basics. Love Jesus dams. serve & prefer others. if the Lord's got your heart...you're good to go!

idk what the hell this will become...

2011-03-31T22:51:00.004-04:00

words. not my gifting. sometimes i wish they were. but in reality. i don't want to try hard enough to be understood. i don't want to put forth the effort to confine the ideas in my mind into tiny letters. i don't want to be caged. it seems in order to be understood, i often end up editing my heart out of my words.
and words,
words cage me so often.
not very releasing.
perhaps because it's either all or nothing.
all my thoughts and ramblish with no filter (like this). or formality and perfectly constructed sentences that talk a damn lot. but say nothing.

i am not good at lying. i am very good at cutting my heart out of things, playing the role of elineor "don't you think, in cases such as this, it is better to use one's head?". but if i'm going to go through the effort of putting me into words. and do a good job.
it's going to be raw. what i really think and feel, what i shelve all the time will burst through. and then not only will anybody who reads it know. but i'll probably be surprised myself. i'm an excellent shelver. lots of boxes.

i don't really know what i'm sayin. i'm a redeemed analyzing mess whose creative side has been a little too restrained as of late. and so now is wreaking havoc. probably will regret this tomorrow.
oh well....it was fun.

2011-02-15T08:34:00.002-05:00

this is exactly where my heart is right now. use me however you will Lord, but let me catch my breath first.

You could plant me like a tree beside a river
You could tangle me in soil and let my roots run wild
And I would blossom like a flower in the desert
But for now just let me cry

You could raise me like a banner in a battle
Put victory like a fire behind my shining eyes
And I would drift like falling snow over the embers
But for now just let me lie

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die

Set me like a star before the morning
Like a song that steals the darkness from a world asleep
And I'll illuminate the path You've laid before me
But for now just let me be

So let me go like a leaf upon the water
Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea
And I will disappear into a deeper beauty
But for now just stay with me
God, for now just stay with me

((audrey assad)). i want her voice!

(rest)

2011-02-13T18:40:00.004-05:00

rest. sometimes i'm very grateful for this word. mostly, eh, not so much...it seems an unnecessary waste of time. i have Jesus, i don't need things like sleep, food, etc... i take the strength of Christ and use it as justification to avoid accepting my physical limitations. misusing much? and mostly it's a lie anyway. i pray for grace and think i'm relying on Him...but it's all intellectual. i know i should/need to, therefore i think i am. knowing isn't living. in reality, i'm running on damaris. cause she's superwoman, right? i am SO PROUD. no seriously. the most self-sufficient, prideful, foolish woman on the planet. God created me with LOTS of limitations. to cultivate humility. to remind me. i'm NOT superwoman. i'm pretty weak. i need it revealed. i need Him for everyday life-which that need, i admit to feeling deeply. every day. He has led me through enough breaking-point &beyond situations that i KNOW how utterly dependent upon Him i am. but those other needs? i need sleep. (more than 5 hours) i need food. i need water-lots of water. i need (big sigh) doctors more than i think i do. i need exercise (favorite) but i don't need to always push myself to the point of exhaustion.

right now. being sick and needing rest? definitely reveals alot about my heart. as usual. but this time it's going deeper. my everyday thought process needs to change. (could be wrong) but feel like the Lord is teaching me i need to rest in Him on a deeper level at ALL times.

starting with taking care of myself better.

can't even stand writing the last sentence.

geez. sounds so self-centered and lazy. sometimes it can be. but i pretty much never practice it, so i need to trust that God will convict when i reach that point. trust that HE's the sanctifier, all i do is obey, follow, just let him rain and shine and do the growing. & by taking care of myself, i'll be better able to glorify God. i can serve & love Him and others with more energy. more joy. and it's taking good care of His temple.

this is going to be so freaking hard to practice! i have to change my entire thought process. but honestly. deep down. feel like i need it. on every level. like i've just hit a complete wall. like i've been going so strong and hard for...pretty much since i woke up and realized there was God and a world outside myself. (16maybe?) i can't keep up the pace i've set for myself. i'm very excited about some inhale, exhale. relief. think i could sleep for a week!

yay for God's grace. pretty sure He'll teach me how to rest in joy, in chaos, when there is no opportunity for physical rest... love the gospel!!

anyway. just felt in a mood to lose my way with words. sometimes they tie my scattered thoughts together. although this time i think the words got scattered too...

realization moment

2011-02-05T15:03:00.004-05:00

dude. my packs are in the superbowl. with a decent shot. actually, um have to say lookin' pretty dang hot...first superbowl ring for rodgers? def deserves it, all i gotta say.

just had a little no way! can't wait to win! (or lose, hey at least we're in) moment.

whoop! go pack go! =)

also, i found this white boy J Byrd made a rap about green bay to black& yellow. cmon how cute is that? made my day! mmhhmm green and yellow. hahaha

batter my heart

2011-01-25T19:08:00.003-05:00

Batter my heart, three-person'd God, for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town to'another due,
Labor to'admit you, but oh, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly'I love you, and would be lov'd fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy;
Divorce me,'untie or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you'enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

((Batter My Heart. -John Donne))

black for victory

2011-01-22T16:03:00.004-05:00

I had my nails painted for the first time on Friday. Black. Because black is a reminder that I can choose to "submit again to a yoke of slavery" (Galatians 5.1) or I can choose to walk in the victorious liberation Christ accomplished for me.

Definitely want to expound upon it and share some of notes from Driscoll.

But for now I just wanted to announce that God is genius, and I am so beyond grateful that all I need do is "live up to what I have already obtained." Freedom.

*sigh.

2011-01-19T10:57:00.001-05:00

cause sometimes, i just miss my dear emerald isle a whole freaki'n lot...

"you think too much"

2010-12-04T16:20:00.003-05:00

“I really get frustrated when people say things like ‘oh I’m not into philosophy or theology, I just want practical.’ Well what you think determines how you live, what you think determines how you suffer, and what you think determines how you die..." driscoll.

“Timothy, you think too much!”
He couldn’t believe he was hearing those words from his wife, words he’d heard since childhood from his mother, his teachers... What was too much? Who was to say which chalk line one should think up to and then come to a screeching halt? What if Wordsworth had never thought too much, or Shakespeare, or Milton or Crammer or Socrates? And what about Beethoven or Edison or Madame Curie? Why was thinking such a crime?

overwhelmed by richness

2010-11-22T11:28:00.003-05:00

I was dead in trespasses, walking in sin, following the course of this world and the prince of the power of the air, running toward hell. I lived in the passions of my flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and was by nature a child of wrath. BUT God, being rich in mercy,because of the great love with which he loved me, even while I was dead in my trespasses, made me alive together with Christ— by grace I have been saved— and raised me up with Him and seated me with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages He might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward me in Christ Jesus. For by grace I have been saved through faith. And this is NONE of my own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that I may never boast. For I am His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that I should walk in them.

ephesians 2.1-10. paraphrased into first person.

because it slams into me so much harder. when i put myself into this passage. i feel the wieght of my sin, all paul's descriptions of me before Christ resonate. i was a willing slave, i didn't even want to be rescued. i deserved wrath. but Christ, Christ took all the wrath i earned, Christ paid my debts, Christ reconciled this sinful rebellious child to God the Holy Father. and now i know grace. mercy. kindness overwhelming. for no other reason than that the Lord chose to be merciful. loving. a love beyond my comprehension!

i know on judgment day. when i stand before the throne of my God. i will have the truest sense of my guilt. i will know to the fullest extent possible how evil my heart was, how just it would be for me to be damned. how undeserving i am to be in His presence. and at the same moment, unbelievably! i will know grace! i will grasp more fully how amazing, how unspeakably sweet is mercy, love, redemption. how incredible is Christ's sacrifice. not only will i be in His presence. i will see His face. i can't bear the thought. and yet i long for that day. i can't wait to be humbled in a way i have never been on earth, too finally have a better idea of the complete perfect worthiness of God. and fall on my face. "such things are too wonderful for me."

1 Thessalonians

2010-11-03T12:35:00.005-04:00

all i need is Christ. and i have Him! even when i don't see or feel His presence. when all the doctrine in my head is as far from my heart as the earth is from saturn. He is with me. He who has called me is faithful. He will keep that which He has redeemed. He doesn't give up, when I wallow in my sinful doubts and fears and distrust. He cleanses me and moves me into His grace. He is patient. His timing is perfect. He sends all things to sanctify. For His glory and my GOOD.

"your dross to consume and your gold to refine." amen Lord Jesus. You are bringing dross to the surface, and all i ask is that you refine it. in spite of me.

((i just needed to hear a little truth preached))

the book thief

2010-09-09T14:35:00.006-04:00

This book. Is incredibly well written. It's rough, but superb. The word choices, the pictures it paints in my mind...I can't put it down. But sometimes I have to take a break to absorb it all. if I could write like anybody on earth I think I'd pick this man. With some Harper Lee thrown in.

The characters have totally grabbed me, which isn't something that happens easily for me.

Liesel. Brilliant girl. Sometimes I want to throttle her, but mostly because I would be making the same wrong decision in her place.

Her foster father. Excellent but realistically flawed. Gotta respect a man who won't join the Nazi party in 1940's Germany. Especially when he's not your typical hero type.

Her foster mother. Hated her at first. But I think we've come to an understanding. I even like her now.

Max. Hmm. Not actually sure how i feel about him. as much as i want to love him, i just can't seem to stir up anything stronger than pity. If/when he dies, my sorrow will be mostly empathy for Liesel.

Rudy.

I first met this cocky german kid on page 48, and had a feeling we'd get along well. "Insane or not, Rudy was always destined to be Liesel's best friend. A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship."

Page 58-I became determined NOT to fall in love with Rudy Steiner. If I didn't, there was a greater possibility he would live.

Page 80-How can you not respect a kid this loyal?

Page 241. I learned 2 very important facts. 1) I am hopelessly in love with a good natured, defiant german boy. 2) He is absolutely going to die. The only question is in which of the next 252 pages. TORTURE!! so for 252 pages I am awaiting the agony of his departure. After which, I will probably throw the stupid book in disgust and rant about authors who have to write so realistically. And against my foolish propensity to always like best the characters that aren't gonna make it. It's so like me, attracted to things that are destructive... Argh.

refreshment of solitude

2010-08-31T18:09:00.006-04:00

sunrise over the Atlantic last friday. was glorious. i was the only one on the entire shoreline as far as i could see at first. before the sun broke through the waves. just me, God, and birds. mmmm. needed it so much. the ocean was cold and clear. on it's best behavior. probably would be good if i learned to not store everything so tightly locked inside me. then maybe it wouldn't take so long to get my heart re-oriented...false. pretty sure i'll always need solitude. no matter how wandering or obedient my heart is. i need Jesus in intense concentration. every few weeks. even when life is amazing. especially when life is amazing! i fail tests of prosperity much blindlier then i do tests of difficulty.

natural as breathing

2010-07-06T11:04:00.006-04:00

i miss doing this. so very much. i miss the freedom. i miss pushing my body to the limit of its potential. i miss the joy. i miss thinking i had no ounce of strength left, then finding i could leap higher or stick more pirouettes anyway. i miss the feeling of flight. i miss late evening classes & dancing between the sunbeams. i miss defeated days. i miss the wood floor squeaking against my bare feet as friction created new callouses. i miss the release. i miss being surrounded by music. i miss dancing outside the classroom. i miss perfect timing. i miss repeating the same movement nine million times and wondering if i'd ever get it right. i miss hating the mirror. i miss perfectly worn-in pointe shoes. i miss being deliciously exhausted. i miss the bliss of ice cold water after hours of sweat. i miss barre. i miss dreading adagio after a long day. (now i know i'm crazy!) i miss company forte. i miss watching a classmate execute something flawlessly & attempting to be that good. i miss the utter self-abandonment & self-forgetfulness of worshiping God with my everything.

there are some things i don't miss: bleeding, shin splints, pulled muscles. i don't miss crying from exhaustion & knowing my best wasn't good enough. i don't miss arch cramps, new pointe shoes, bruises. i really don't miss performing.

Eric Liddell said "I believe God made me for a purpose, but He also made me fast. And when I run I feel God's pleasure." Kinda sums up how I felt when I danced.

(that is not me nor did i take this photo, i stole it from flickr.)

constant change

2010-06-29T19:04:00.004-04:00

in the past i hated poetry. i considered it the epitome of emotions, sentimentality, and un-reasonableness. i hated that poets wanted me to feel something. never ever, had you asked, would i have said i there was a chance i'd like poetry.

guess i was wrong. i've been finding lots of stuff that i like lately. longfellow, byron, james russell lowell, abigail, emily dickenson, even the largest surprise of all...shakespeare? where has my head gone? now there is still much that is too sticky for me. but overall, i appreciate poetry.

it's crazy, how people change.

change is the one constant in life. this i know well. right now, it seems like everyone around me is in a season of major change. shiftings. while i just keep sailing on, ripples of change from their lives bumping into my ship & floating past with little effect. while i make no ripples of my own.

i actually like it.

seasons. sunsets and dawnings, tides coming in and out.

i wish i could write poetry. a poem would get what i'm thinking onto paper with more cohesiveness.

2010-06-25T22:36:00.006-04:00

it seems this has become a travel blog. i like having a place to stick pictures and quotes from trips. i don't journal very well. blogging helps memories stay clearer in my mind, because i re-live them immediately after. mum likes to read about my trips. (probably because i tell stories like the mills fam-only i'm one person interrupting myself and going off on random threads and not quite finishing the original story. i will never be the storyteller of the family!) my latest trip was a week in key marathon spending most days on the splendid blue sea. this captures my sentiments:

I must down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea's face, and a grey dawn breaking.

I must down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.

By John Masefield (1878-1967)

Indy goes to Eire

2010-05-16T21:40:00.015-04:00

Noah and I share an affection for Indiana Jones & Lego's. So I took his Lego Indy with me to Eire. He lost his fedora and whip, but had a marvelous time so we're still friends...

He played the balloon game with us in Chicago.

Dublin!

At the Cliffs of Moher.

Drinking hot cocoa at Maria's crepe cafe.Almost left the Fedora in Galway...

In the town of Dingle.

Killarney National Park.

home. minus fedora and whip. :( but plus an ireland football jersey. even exchange?

Eire_5 Hiking the Burren

2010-03-06T09:02:00.028-05:00

Our 5th day, Paddy's (aka john) cold from the day before became a horridness of sick. No driving allowed. He slept the whole day. Beks wasn't feeling well either. Sarah, Steph, Luke and I couldn't bear to spend the day inside (even if it was an irish cottage) so we went on a walking tour. After exploring countryside, chasing sheep and climbing fences for photoshoots in ruins; Lo and behold, we were practically on top of the Burren! Rock + ocean + gorgeous views...

Even the rainy days have a sunrise in Eire.

Poor Patrick. :(
I left my camera behind because the lens cap ran off with a leprechaun. These pics are from our resident Galen Rowell, Luke.
"Our" castle.

Exploring the Burren.

This little cave/hollow place was incredible. You could hear waves crashing into the rock face, the winds blew incessantly into it. It was also littered with shredded cheese and seaweed-like soggy pretzels.

The fantastic four! :)

It rained our whole walk home. Steph sang for us. Soaking, dripping, even with an umbrella my feet were the only dry part of me! (love my wellies) We thought we'd be home around 3 but it was closer to 5. Nothing is better than a fire & grilled cheese/tomato soup after hours of cold wet walking.
All in all, this was one of the most magical days for me.

honest. atmosphere.

2010-03-05T22:31:00.009-05:00

freedom.

music.

change.

open.

go.

movement.

rooted.

flying.

verbs.

there are some words. i love. not because of how the letters look. (ie lick) not because of how they sound. (ie killarney) but because of their meaning. (ie gospel) maybe not the dictionary meaning. but atmosphere. connotation. experience. what they mean to me. how God has defined them by grace. in my life.

hmm. sometimes He takes words, and He writes new things into them. a feeling, a thought, a picture of Him. it's not very well explained//but He has done that for me recently.

song

melody

mine

specific

singing
i don't even care. that the notes He's chosen for me aren't logical. (to my ears). that they are certainly not the notes everybody wants me to sing. but. they come much easier then the ones i've been trying to write for myself. it's like i've been smothering myself, and God said no more of this foolishness. He gave me oxygen. and i think. i think i like singing just for Him. i think i am over over over trying to sing what others tell me too, trying to re-arrange the notes to please God and family, or God and people i look up to, whoever. done trying to make them logical. all i want is to love Him. to please the One who is indescribably good. i'm done trying. i'm just...breathing. and singing each note as it comes/./.
oh my soul.

so.much.more.

♫♪♫ free*

Eire_4 Slea Head Drive/Dingle (3)

2010-02-04T19:56:00.001-05:00

We saw an entire rainbow. It was more vibrant than any Florida rainbow...

I don't get the appeal, but the guys really wanted thier picture at the end of the rainbow...we didn't find skittles or pots of gold.

Dingle Harbor.

Eire_4 County Kerry (2)

2010-02-03T20:20:00.001-05:00

John was getting a bad cold but he was still willing to pull over for photo-ops every few minutes. Steph, Luke and I wandered down a hill (hence this shot) while Sarah and Beks talked to an American couple.

Prehistoric...umm yeah about that. They're not actually prehistoric. It was a fun side trip though.

John chasing sheep. He didn't catch one.

Irish surfing.

This cove was lovely! One of my favorite places. All of us scattered and explored on our own.

Eire_4 countryside (1)

2010-02-02T20:59:00.004-05:00

Ireland day 4. What a long day! It began with a beautiful sunrise but sad hearts as we drove Jage to the airport. :( We drove through the countryside to the town of Dingle in County Kerry. These are all country driving photos...

Eire 3_Galway

2009-12-09T20:45:00.015-05:00

Finally, Galway city. You should listen to "Galway Girl" while looking at the photos. {It's gotta be the Steve Earle version ;) }

Claddagh ring museum/orignial maker or something like ^
Fish'n'chips at McDonagh's voted "Best in the world" by the Russian Navy.

We went inside a cathredalish church but most of my photos didn't turn out.

Tapestry in King's Head pub where we had dinner. The land the pub is on was given to the guy who executed King George during the English Revolution.
Dinner. Irish lamb stew oohh baby! Good stuff.

After dinner, we went to Taffee's Bar next door to hear live trad music. Haha. We could barely even hear ourselves. It was crammed full of guys who'd just graduated with their business degrees. One of the talking to John said "This is your first visit to a pub? You're gonna think Irishmen are crazy!" It was def a fun/interesting experience.

Eire-3_Ennistymen

2009-12-04T12:44:00.010-05:00

I didn't think anybody would really care to know about the trip but it seems this was a good idea. Good call Amber! =) So. Ireland continues...

Monday was a typical Irish drizzle. We planned on getting money, telling our families we were alive, Doolin cave (largest stalagmite in the world) and Galway. Our internet spot was a lovely french cafe called Ooh La La in Ennistymen, a town about 15min from Doolin. It's owned by Maria, who moved to Ireland from France and had opened her cafe 3 weeks before! Speak of perfect timing... After emailing our fams (and some of us checking football stats haha) we walked down to a river Sarah had found Saturday. Then we headed back to Doolin. The cave didn't open until 12 and we were already feeling hungry. So we skipped that and headed straight into Galway. (probably didn't need to do a post on Ennistymen but here it is anyway)

Lovely sunrise despite the rain.
Isn't it the loveliest little place?!

Sarah & her amazing hot chocolate.

We called it the Guinness River.
Ennistymen
The Irish military something or other had first dibs at the bank. Hence our wait in the cafe.
^this is how i looked most of the time. (photocred luke)
Shamrock! John found a whole bunch.

Closed till noon. On to Galway!

more Cliffs

2009-11-30T19:10:00.008-05:00

We wanted to make it to the ruins...alas it got too late. Maybe next time.

Reminds me of a movie. :)
We came to a bend and there were lovely horses!

^This is how our evenings looked, Sarah and Luke planning the next day & the rest of us goofing off.

Eire_2 Cliffs of Moher

2009-11-30T18:50:00.012-05:00

After the castle, we decided to take advantage of the sunlight and do the Cliffs of Moher. (also known as Cliffs of Insanity from Princess Bride). This was definitely one of my favorite highlights. I'll do 2 posts of pictures. Because it's my blog and nobody reads it besides Amber so hey, I can do whatever, right? =) (Photocred for 1st photo goes to Beks.

The Cliffs of Moher. sigh.
Once you follow everybody else and disregard this sign, the best part begins...
tourist shot of the group

cliffs on one side, this on the other. wow.

Eire_2 Ballinackan Castle

2009-11-28T19:00:00.007-05:00

On our second day in Ireland we toured Ballinackan Castle and the Cliffs of Moher. The castle isn't open to the public but happens to belong to our landlady's in-laws. It was pretty sweet because it hadn't been restored. The narrow spiral staircase was intact but a few floors were missing...adding to the coolness in my opinion. We climbed to the tip-top.

That's our cottage in the distance. ^

Aran islands, view from on top of the castle. (we could see the islands from our driveway)
the whole crew^ Steph, JJ, Luke, me, Sarah, Beks and John.

Eire_dublin

2009-11-24T16:56:00.011-05:00

Since Amber isn't on fb, I'll be doing a few posts from the Ireland trip so she can travel vicariously. =) Ireland. We left Friday am (nov 6) and flew all day/night...

Saturday morning we landed in Dublin & met up with JJ at the airport. We did a whirlwind visit in Dublin-Trinity College & Guinness Brewery. On the 3 1/2- turned-5 hour drive to Doolin in County Clare (where our cottage was) we stopped in Athelone to see Sean's Bar, the oldest bar in Europe. (dating from 600AD) Unfortuantly it didn't serve food. We stuck around a few minutes to hear an amazing trad band and then off to Doolin for food. We got there at what felt akin to 3am but was more like 9 (?).

my irish fam, doing what we did all week. laughing at ourselves.

Trinity College

View from the top of the Guinness Brewery, where some of us poured our own "perfect pint".

Farmhouse stop...John and Sarah used a bathroom in somebody's farmhouse because we couldn't find a store or anything. Highlight! Haha

In my humble opinion, this was the best band of all the ones we heard.

autumn

2009-10-05T19:08:00.004-04:00

I found this on a friend's blog:

"Autumn is my absolute favorite season. The eye-feast of warm colors contrasting the crispness in the air; the elusive dry smell of dying greenery and burning leaves; the associations of harvest and homecoming.

Which is, naturally, why I live in a state that is utterly bereft of all of these things. God doesn't want to overload me with more ecstasy than I can handle, apparently."

So true. I can't think of a single thing I dislike about fall. The air is a little more crisp (if 90s can be crisp) and the sky is a deeper blue. This is enough to keep me from bemoaning the unchangingness of sub-tropic climate.

38*

2009-09-30T11:43:00.005-04:00

thirty eight days. till Eire.

round trip tickets: $580. a week in ireland with some of my dearest pals? priceless.

{{photocredit some irish guy from flickr)

for mum.

2009-07-19T21:00:00.000-04:00

"If you're not going to use this blog anymore, you really should at least put up a new photo."
here mum. a wales photo.

silent

2009-04-25T14:56:00.003-04:00

"Mum, do you remember the last time I was bored? I was thinking, it feels like I grew out of boredom."

Mum: "(laughter) "You don't have TIME to be bored!!"

A lack of {free} time equals a lack of wordage. [I can't say I lack time as I have the same 24 hour allotment as the rest of the world. But I'm not as planned as I could be and blogging falls more under the free category than the priority category}

There isn't much in me to write either. Scratch that. There is plenty that God is doing and revealing. I think I am lacking the inclination and time more than the thoughts.

{It is not because of facebook. I dearly love my friends, but I dislike facebook.}

This quiet phase will pass.

lesser known words from clive staples

2009-04-13T17:41:00.003-04:00

“I am rather sick of the modern assumption that, for all events, ‘WE’, the people, are never responsible: it is always our rulers, or ancestors, or parents, or education, or anybody but precious ‘US”. WE are apparently perfect and blameless. Don’t you believe it.”

“As the only two good lines in one of our bad hymns says ‘Fear Him ye saints and you will have nothing else to fear’…Not all the things you fear can happen to you; the one (if any) that does will perhaps turn out very differently from what you think.”

“People in real life are often so preposterous that one would not dare to put them in a novel.”

“What a state we have got into when we can’t say “I’ll be happy when God calls me” without being afraid one will be thought ‘morbid.' After all, Paul said just the same. If we really believe what we say we believe—if we really think that home is elsewhere and that this life is a ‘wandering to find home’, why should we not look forward to the arrival?…”

“There, by the way, is a sentence ending with a preposition. The silly ‘rule’ against it was invented by Dryden. I think he disliked it only because you can’t do it in either French or Latin which he thought more ‘polite’ languages than English.”
{i stand humbled and corrected. ;) }

"Humans are seldom either totally sincere or totally hypocritical. Their moods change, their motives are mixed, and they are often themselves quite mistaken as to what their motives are."

“I have a notion that, apart from actual pain, men and women are quite diversely affected by illness. To a woman one of the great evils about it is that she can’t do things. To a man {or anyway a man like me} the great consolation is the reflection ‘Well, anyway, no one can now demand that I should do anything.’ ”

2009-03-27T09:23:00.004-04:00

this blog has been much neglected as of late.

it is probably a good thing, because i am in one of my thinking-way-to-hard-sorting-things-out seasons. God speaks in mysterious ways. it would only be a tangled mess on paper.

i am reading alot. listening alot. being silent alot. finding more questions than i can ever hope to answer and learning that sometimes they don't need answering. re-learning how to quiet my heart and be still before God.

it's a good place.

times. and seasons.

2009-03-05T09:52:00.004-05:00

God has been calling these verses from Ecclesiastes 3 to mind the past few weeks.

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace."

It's encouraging to hear God remind me that He is a God of all times and seasons. Every detail within my current season, every shifting time, every nuance is perfectly planned. I must choose to follow Him and walk in His will. But I am continually held up by His soveriegnty. When I read this scripture, I hear God say "I am there in the time you mourn, I am there in the time you dance, I am there...". I don't feel His nearness. I want to, but I don't have to. If He says He is, that is comfort enough.

He is so good.

a 7-yr-old's guide to comforting your friends

2009-03-01T19:12:00.003-05:00

this was waiting for me when i came to work on friday. it brought tears to my eyes.
"I'm very sorry about the lost of your grandpa. my hamster pudge died say a week ago. I still haven't got over it but you know that God is with you even if your grandpa died and he must've had a good long life. From, Chloe"
so precious.

musings

2009-02-26T10:01:00.006-05:00

If tolling bell I ask the cause.

“A soul has gone to God”,

Is answered in a lonesome tone;

Is heaven then so sad?
That bells should joyful ring to tell

A soul had gone to heaven,

Would seem to me the proper way

Good news should be given.
~Emily Dickinson

I'm thinking I agree with this.

I have some half-thoughts swirling about my head so I figured I would put them into words.

When one is awash in Christ’s all-atoning blood; death becomes a good thing. Why? How can something so hideous be called "good"? "O death, where is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is in the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." (1cor 15)

What is death for the believer? It is seeing your Savior face to face. It's not an end--it's a beginning. It's not an accident—it was carefully planned by One who planned every detail of the life before and after. It is reunion with friends who left before. It is the realization of hope and freedom. It is finding that promises you believed in by faith are tangible and the deepest reality. It is falling on your face before He who snatched you from flames...Death for the beloved of God is the doorway into the greatest adventure, the one for which your life on earth was preparation.
Of course, not everything continues. There are things that end. Sin is not allowed to follow you. Temptations, spiritual warfare, pain, sorrow, brokenness, tears, hatred, agony, bitterness, struggle, fear, doubt, disappointment, strife, anger, chains, sickness, conflict… you must bid them and their friends goodbye.

Yet, even for lovers of God, there is some bitterness in death for those left behind. Do we mourn that our friend is free from misery and woe? Are we sorry he is tasting victory? Surely not! We rejoice for him, we praise God for His undeserved mercy. We are amazed at the gospel. But we are left in the battle. We will miss our comrade. We are not so selfish to wish him back, but we may wish he had tarried a moment longer. Therein lies the bitterness. We rejoice, but we also mourn. There is laughter in our tears, joy in our sorrow, peace in our heartbreak. We are delighted for him, we are jealous of his release. We are comforted that someday it will be our turn. We will see our dear friend again. Even more wonderous, we will see our King, the One who makes all of the hope and joy possible.

(so i guess I had alot of thoughts...i think i'm influenced by clive staples lewis in this area. i could be wrong in some ways, but i'm confident that heaven will blow pre-conceived notions out of the water and that it will be all about our Lord and His awesome glory. i'm excited.)

we're not superheroes.

2009-02-18T10:13:00.004-05:00

"In popular usage, the word “saint” has been debased to describe extraordinary, individual spiritual achievements. But in the Bible—the way God views sainthood—the word describes ordinary people who belong to a most extraordinary Savior and Lord. Our Redeemer achieves all the extraordinary things. At our best (and too often we are at our worst, or bumping around somewhere in the middle!), “we have done only that which we ought to have done” (Luke 17:10 NASB) God calls you “saint” to remind you who owns you, not to honor you for going above or beyond the call of duty. It’s not the Medal of Honor; it’s your enlistment papers and dog tag..." David Powlison

taken from chapter 7 of "Suffering and the Soveriegnty of God".

[true.lovingness.]

2009-02-14T18:03:00.004-05:00

I'm not a valentine's day girl. I don't like cheesy hearts, teddy bears or mushy love songs. I have no innate desire to watch a chick flick, nor do I wish I wasn't single. I know, I'm not normal.
But today I found this on desiringGod.org and it is precious.

A Love Poem of Hope in Seven Languages
for my wife Noël
Valentines Day, 2009

My love, come listen as I seek
With seven tongues, and hope, on your
Sweet soul to let our Sovereign speak:
Je suis avec vous tous les jours.

He bids us come and learn to rest
Beneath his feather burden. Come feel,
He says, how light, how sweet, how blessed,
Porque me yugo es facil.

And if we fear what yet will be,
He tells us what we yet will see:
’al tiyra’ kiy ‘imkah aniy
temaktiykah biymiyn tsadkiy.

If darkness lingers on, and thus
Delays the precious light of dawn,
Fear not, because we know for us
God works panta eis agathon.

And if barbarians invade
The soul, and take our borderlands,
Together we say undismayed:
E tenebris lux Christi stands.

Gott hat durch Leiden uns gelerht,
Dass wir kein Schmerz vergeuden;o go
Ob Abend lang das Weinen währt,
Doch kommt des Morgens Freude.

I want to love people like this. By turning thier eyes to Christ. I want to be a daughter, sister, friend who points folks back to the greatest display of love: the cross. (and someday if i am ever a wife and mum, i want to love my family this way) Indeed, God is the deepest source of delight, strength, satisfaction, goodness...How can we not speak of Him to all we meet?
I have a looooooong way to go!

lighthearted

2009-02-11T11:35:00.007-05:00

I pulled out Elizabeth Elliot's "Keep a Quiet Heart" to look up a specific passage last night and came across this one as well. It's classic. I found myself guilty of #1 this morning--I was whining about cares to God first thing before I even opened my Bible and not even asking for the grace to handle them! (He is indeed gracious!)

Several Ways to Make Yourself Miserable

1. Count your troubles, name them one by one--at the breakfast table, if anybody will listen, or as soon as possible thereafter.

2.Worry every day about something. Don't let yourself get out of practice. It won't add a cubit to your stature, but it might burn a few calories.

3.Pity yourself. If you do enough of this, nobody else will have to do it for you.

4.Devise clever but decent ways to serve God and mammon. After all, a man's gotta live.

5.Make it your business to find out what the Joneses are buying this year and where they're going. Try to do them at least one better even if you have to take out another loan to do it.

6.Stay away from absolutes. It's what's right for you that matters. Be your own person and don't allow yourself to get hung up on what others expect of you.

7.Make sure you get your rights. Never mind other people's. You have your life to live, they have theirs.

8.Don't fall into any compassion traps--the sort of situation where people can walk all over you. If you get too involved in other people's troubles, you may neglect your own.

9.Don't let Bible reading and prayer get in the way of what's really relevant--things like TV and newspapers. Invisible things are eternal. you want to stick with the visible ones--they're where it's at now.

poem.

2009-02-10T14:32:00.003-05:00

Recenty I've been reading poetry and trying to like it. Mostly it's a failure. But occasionally I find a brilliant one that I enjoy. Here is the first stanza of one by Emily Dickenson.

"Through the straight pass of suffering
The martyrs stately trod,
Thier feet upon tempation,
Thier faces upon God. "

I'd like to be like that someday.

more about the fireworks

2009-01-29T19:54:00.011-05:00

The promised expoundation* upon the "fireworks" ...
A few posts ago I mentioned that God did some explosive works in my heart. (aka fireworks) First of all, explosive doesn't mean new. God isn't telling me "move to Ghana". In fact, my circumstances are static. (good static). Second, this is probably going to be a rather ramblish*, spewing-thoughts-rapidly-as-they-flow post. I haven't sorted any of it out. But what better use for a blog than to record the goodness of God?

Jan 7-8 I went to a "Growing in Gifts of the Spirit" retreat. I entered it living life in black & white and left seeing in technicolour. Seriously. The past few months I'd been in a season of semi-darkness. I was weary. Partly because I was continually falling off of the fine line between "bearing other's burdens by carrying them to Christ" and "bearing other's burdens on my small shoulders in pride." My fight for joy was half-hearted. In fact, I had myself fooled into thinking I was choosing joy more often that I really did. Beks called me out one Sunday. She said she missed my real smile. I was shocked. Didn't I smile all the time?
"Yeah, but they're all fake smiles." Ouch. Faithful are the wounds of a friend. After that week I began praying and fighting for joy, but something was still missing.
Then the retreat came. Few things have impacted me as much as that weekend did.

During the retreat we spend alot of time waiting on God. We basked in His presence. We were still before His throne. I was overwhelmed. He poured out love and set us free. God revealed and broke chain after chain in my heart. There is no better way to describe it. Chains of self-sufficiency, numbness, and sorrow fell away. Liberation. The result was a rush of joy pouring into my soul. I couldn't "get" joy, He had to give it to me. Even remembering, I am blown away at His undeserved goodness!

I am still learning to walk and live in my new-found freedom. There are still temptations to take on burdens, I am still saddened when friends dear to me walk through fires; but my heart is different. Having joy doesn't mean I am always happy. Or that I always feel. It means I'm always choosing to trust God. It means there is always a manifestation of goodness to thank God for. I fight to keep joy. I don't fight to obtain it--that was done by Christ at the cross.

*yes, i made those words up.

oh. so. precious.

2009-01-24T12:13:00.005-05:00

baby bingley has arrived! :)
ethan michael ascough arrived finally at 3:41 this morning. He was 5lbs 11oz, 5 weeks early, and gorgeous. (i am not of the opinion that all babies are beautiful--but he is. oh so presh. of course i am not a biased almost-aunt or anything.) be forewarned, the next paragraph is girlish talk from someone who came home at 5 this morning and awoke before 8. read at your own peril!
i am freshly in awe at God's creative genius. last night i was at florida hospital south for 9 hours. i'm far more familiar with that place than i ever wished to be, but now i remember it's possible to be in a hospital for joyous reasons. i was blessed to partially witness the amazing amazing gift from God called birth. oh my soul. i was there when my siblings were born and when mum schwab had mira. but this was way different. maybe because i remember when stephanie was 10 and we pretended to be moms in her backyard? anyway, i can understand why people call something so agonizing a miracle. not gonna lie, i'm petrified at the thought of enduring it myself. not usually a squeamish person, but that whole birth thing makes me want to squirm inside. but it's a blessing. from God. He created us with the ability to bring forth life. wow. God is incredible. He created women strong enough to go through such an ordeal and not fall apart. that the body can recover and even do it all over again, and again...it's crazy. i am telling you, there is no way a single-cell organism could evolve meticulously enough to perform that feat.
there is my girly rant.

patience.

2009-01-23T07:11:00.000-05:00

"Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand. Do not grumble against one another, brothers, so that you may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing at the door." James 5.7-9

patient, adj.
1. Bearing or enduring pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance with calmness.
2.Marked by or exhibiting calm endurance of pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance.
3. Persevering; constant
4.Capable of calmly awaiting an outcome or result; not hasty or impulsive.
5.Capable of bearing or enduring pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance.

I am not patient.

I want to be patient.

God is patient with me.

Hallelujah!

{I thought I'd have time this morning to expound on the "fireworks" but I've been called into work early. hence this instead.}

year of jubilee {mum}

2009-01-17T15:01:00.003-05:00

Wife+Mother+Daughter+Friend.

lover of God.
faithful.
servant.
patient.
peacemaker.
beautiful.
(amazing) cook.
wise.
bookworm.
loving.
letter-writer.
encouraging.
(incredibly) selfless.
kind.
busy.
worshipper.
gracious.
teacher.
funny.
caregiver.
strong.

Thank you for being all that ^ and more mum. Happy birthday. May your "year of jubilee" be filled with more portraits of God's faithful grace. You are one of the most marvelous blessings in my life!

becoming slightly more faithful.

2009-01-14T09:57:00.002-05:00

I've had an unplanned blog haitus. Life is very busy. Nothing new or changing circumstantially (despite my attempts haha) just busier. Spiritually, I feel like God is setting off fireworks inside. There is so much going on under the surface. I'm overwhelmed. It's impossible to express... much less understand it all! I'll try to write some of it out later. It would be good for me to get it out of my head and into the semi-reality of words.
A point of reference for what will come later. (don't you love the vagueness) This song is where my soul has been for many months. A good /difficult place. Difficult because I see more and more my unfaithfulness and impatience. Good because what He reveals He works on; and in seeing my great sinfulness I have also seen His great grace. He allowed me to feel how great is my desperation for Him. He did not allow me to feel His closeness. I should shut up and let Brooke Fraser speak for me.

There’s distance in the air
And I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms ‘round about me
And blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close
Though I know you’re always here
But the comfort of you near
Is what I long for

When I can’t feel you
I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can’t hear you
I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you
More than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you
Maybe I’m made more faithful

All the folly of the past
Though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one
Still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft your name
And let it roll around my tongue
Knowing you’re the only one who knows me
You know me

i am glad

2008-12-28T19:25:00.005-05:00

that God gives us little gifts. (ice, chocolate, words)

practical gifts. (jobs, food, cars)

amazing gifts. (relationships, local churches, His word)

I am grateful for many, many other gifts that could fit on this list as well. Sometimes I don't catch God's goodnesss in these things right away. It's easy to forget how wealthy He has made me.

But there is one gift that makes all others seem small. It is the only one that ALWAYS displays God's goodness, always inspires awe and gratitude. It is the one that offers eternal hope no matter how dark the sky appears.

The most wondersome gift of all,

the Gospel.

that is what the sermon inspired me to think about all day. i wish this was my thought process all the time...it's a work in progress.

Minuit, chretiens

2008-12-18T08:36:00.008-05:00

Breaking tradition...I'm not posting O Come O Come Emmanuel this year. It's still one of my favorites. But there are other Christmas hymns that also resound with gospel truth and hope. This year I discovered the original translation to "Minuit chretiens" the poem from which our "O Holy Night" came from. It began as a French poem written in 1847 by Placide Cappeau. The English carol as we know it came from John Sullivan Dwight in 1855. It is a very loose translation. It's good, but I love the orginial French poem. (that is, i love the original french poem translated directly into english. as i cannot read french well.)

Midnight, Christians is the solemn hour
When God as Man descended unto us
To erase the original stain (sin)
And end the wrath of his Father.
The entire world trembles with expectation
In this night that gives to us a Savior.

Fall on your knees, await your deliverance.

Noel, Noel, here is the Redeemer,
Noel, Noel, here is the Redeemer!

The ardent light of our Faith,
Guides us all to the cradle of the infant,
As in ancient times a brilliant star
Conducted the Magi there from the orient.
The King of kings was born in a humble manger;
O mighty ones of today, proud of your grandeur,

It is to your pride that God preaches.
Bow your heads before the Redeemer!
Bow your heads before the Redeemer!

The redeemer has broken every shackle
The earth is free, and heaven is open.
He sees a brother where there was once only a slave
Those who had been chained together by iron, love now unites.
Who will tell Him of our gratitude
It is for every one of us that he was born, suffered and died.

Stand on your feet, sing of your deliverance.
Noel, Noel, sing of the Redeemer,
Noel, Noel, sing of the Redeemer!

2008-12-13T18:30:00.008-05:00

waiting. sometimes, it is very hard to do.

I've posted this scripture before, but God's words are far better than anything I could say.
"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

Isaiah 40.28-31

:tagged.

2008-12-12T08:30:00.002-05:00

I was tagged by Candace, so here is the 5th photo from my 5th folder. It's a chalk drawing my sister did on our driveway a few years ago.
Now to pass it on...I tag Wesley, Abigail, Dell, Kayla, and Felicity. Go to your 5th folder in My Pictures and post the 5th photo. Have fun!