6.24.2017

bury the horse

i'm sitting here in the break room cycling between red's "hold me now" & coldplay's "death & all of his friends in my ears. eating my weight in bacon for breakfast bc bacon makes everything survivable, am i right?

my demons are having a party in my head, my survival skills are kicking my ass. i wish i could have done things different yesterday. i wish i hadn't trusted my intensivist, i wish i'd spoken up about my instincts & trusted them, thought them out & verbalized them instead of shoving them down as stupid. i wish i'd been more aggressive. but in reality? my supervisors were fighting for my patient and if they could only get so far...common sense says i couldn't have done more.

even here, there reaches a point where control is an illusion. where i either have to face my weakness & limits as a human, or ignore it. sometimes i think it would be so much easier if
i only believer in what my eyes could see. if there was less weight to it all, if people were just flashes of brilliance in an infinite universe. but i don't. i believe we are immortal, stories; sparks that flame for a moment on this earth and then continue to our full blaze in eternity. (what. that still makes me a lil squeamish.) 

anyway. it matters. people matter. there's so much more than what my eyes can see. so ima fight. maybe i made mistakes? but it's over. i'm a damn sure not make the same ones. if i really believe in this God than He will fill up the cracks of my humanity with Himself. 

so i'm not gonna battle from beginning to end, not going cycle/recycle revenge on myself, not gonna follow death and all of his friends.  going to fight this out now. take a breather. gather my courage and strength so i can go hard until the day i die. i wanna meet death squarely; looking it in the face bleeding & beat up and able to say i'm ready, bc i left it all on the field. 

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