9.12.2016

things i needed to hear



you try your hardest to leave the past alone.
this crooked posture is all you’ve ever known.
it is the consequence of living in between
the weight of family and the pull of gravity.

you are so much more than your father’s son.
you are so much more than what i’ve become.

long before you were born there was light
hidden deep in these young, unfamiliar eyes.
a million choices, though little on their own,
become the heirloom of the heaviness you’ve known.

you are so much more than your father’s son.
you are so much more than what i’ve become,
what i’ve become

you pressed rewind for the thousandth time
when the tapes wore through.
so you memorized
those unscripted lines, desperate for some kind of clue:


when the scale tipped,
when you inherited a fight that you were born to lose.

it’s not your fault,
no, it’s not your fault,
i put this heavy heart in you.
i put this heavy heart in you.

you remind me of who i could have been,
had i been stronger and braver way back then.
a million choices, though little on their own,
became the heirloom of the heaviness we’ve known.
{heirloom, sleeping at last}

lately i have nothing to say.
nothing new. 

i avoid the stillness, the silence; i avoid looking within. i'm tired of the same old battles, tired of facing the same inherited demons.i think i've gotten away from my father & my past only to be slapped right back into place by a memory or a survivor skill rearing it's ugly head. i'm really ready for surgical procedure that removes ptsd from the brain. i'd be all in.
 i'm numb & i'm ok with it. skating through life on the surface.
//except i'm not. not truly. i miss depth. i miss putting words to pictures, giving voice to the aches & realizations & felt joys. i feel disconnected from my spirit. turns out, it's hard to have anything worthwhile to say when you've duct taped your soul. 

the barriers to freeing her are too many to name. my circumstances are one big catch-22; and so far every attempt to escape as been stymied. 

but seasons change. life moves forward. 
this heaviness is not my fault. i am so much more; and one day i'll be free to access all that "more" carries.  



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